Saturday, April 2, 2011

ATTACK OF THE GIBBERISH-SPEWING MEDIA TITS!


Who - or what - is targeting the world's on-air TV personalities? Is this some emerging syndrome? Something we might call Broadcast Babbling Breakdown? Or is something more sinister afoot? Like, for instance, are we perhaps witnessing the results of some shadowy, behind-the-scenes Dark Agents being naughty by testing out their mind control technologies on live TV?

In recent weeks, a strange phenomenon has been spreading across our television screens. In a variety of different, seemingly unconnected markets, veteran media presenters have gone on the air and dissolved into puddles of bizarre, nonsensical and occasionally disturbing babbling.

The first victim was Serene Branson, a CBS presenter reporting live from the Grammy Awards show. Her descent into gibberish has all the hallmarks of involuntary glossolalia - otherwise known as "Speaking in Tongues." Watch the video of her melt-down and ask yourself if it seems like she's being "slain by the Spirit" to you...



Quite odd, isn't it? According to CBS, Serene has had a history of medical problems that could spark blackouts and seizures, and as far as her doctor is concerned, the above nonsense was simply the result of nothing more exotic than a "migraine with aura". Actually, that sounds pretty exotic to me - and kind of New Age-y, to boot - but I'm no doctor, so what do I know?

The next case that captured the world's attention happened at the Canadian independent Global News channel. Here we see respected political reporter Mark McAllister seemingly running down a list of words he spotted floating in his morning bowl of Alphabits...



Okay, so, after watching this a few times, I can almost see how some might argue that this particular case involves McAllister making one minor mistake while reading the teleprompter, followed by another small mistake, and then another, and another, until the whole damn thing snowballs, cascading into an absolutely catastrophic loss of composure. We all get scrambled brains on occasion, and it is not beyond the realm of possibility that this is what happened here. 

However, when you stop and compare the behavior exhibited by McAllister and Branson with the popular descriptions of how microwave mind control technology is alleged to function - by invasively forcing unwanted images, words and concepts into your consciousness, crowding out your rational thoughts and replacing them with static and garbage - it gives one pause.

Which brings us to another week, in another country, and another on-air breakdown. What are we to make of this video, featuring a German weather-woman who starts laughing, and then seems totally incapable of pulling herself together? Watch...


What the hell was so funny, lady? Have you seen that guy naked before and there's something you're dying to tell us about him? I mean, we've all had laughing jags, but come on! Once again, this behavior seems exaggerated beyond all sense of proportion, perhaps even... enhanced?

What's this? Hold on a minute, ladies and gentlemen... I'm being handed a breaking story... oh, wow. 

This just in, folks: They got Judge Judy! Sadly, this is one case that didn't happen on live TV, so we don't have any video of the incident... not yet, anyway. Which is probably just as well, because the sound of that screeching harridan's voice is often all it takes to send yer old pal Jerky into spastic fits of uncontrolled hysteria, himself.

Summing up, is it too early to be alarmed by this? Or are those whom we deride as paranoid conspiracy nuts actually on to something when they bring up the possibility of mind control technologies being involved? After all, the Nazi/US government program known as MK-Ultra was eventually proven to be 100 percent fact, after decades of being mocked as the worst kind of goofiness. So, what'll it be? Should we consider making tinfoil hats the next big fashion trend? Or are those of us who find something odd about this new phenomenon just malingering fatuous blizzard in the toothy septuagenarian ishkabibble snow-cone Beelzebub C'thulhu R'lyeh F'taghn?

You be the judge, dear reader... you be the judge.

6 comments:

  1. I personally like the idea that there's an unidentified, highly-contagious virus that causes progressive mental instability, psychological derangement and various forms of mental impairment myself, and that we're all gonna turn into giggling wrecks and burn civilization down in a gleeful orgy of destruction.

    But then, some people just wanna watch the world burn.

    I think I need a hug.

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  2. Does Charlie Sheen count? Certainly something's going on there. I was approaching Charlie Sheen from the idea that his meltdown was scripted 5 years ago for some specific purpose and only recently implemented. The quality of his breakdown, however, is quite different from the quality of these other breakdowns.

    We might also say this is pre-rapture speaking in tongues. All good raptures need a period of disasters and speaking in tongues to set the tone.

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  3. It can be infered from the prior evidence preguit foggle,god noo .prezblit helllp mee wanking on skates nooooooooooo

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  4. the last lady must have used Joker makeup from BatMan 1.

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  5. You originally put this out on April 1, because I remember our morning weather gal laughing SOOO hard that she couldn't do the weather report! Maybe they tried out their beam/whatever on April 1 when we'd figure it's all just a good joke somewhere off screen. And actually, yes, that first lady had a mini-stroke - it was reported later. You weren't the only one to catch this and wonder "weird/could-they-be-really-doing-this?" things.

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  6. I thought this babbling only happened after too much Tequila?...Been there done that.

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