Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Another Awesome Guest Post by Our Old Pal Basil!

Out driving with Suzie and Opium again. Suzie comes out of the john’s house at just past 7 a.m. in some fog-shrouded brand spanking new sub-division north of Richmond Hill. Last call of the night. The mark had originally called for a half hour but Suzie’s a hustler, a trooper, a goddamn machine. She wrung two hours out of him - $300 for “two hours of sucking limp dick with the guy’s balls on my forehead.”

Like every other case who spends the whole night doing blow and boozing, he getsmentally horny as hell but his body’s numbed out, can’t get hard - not actually hard, making it very difficult or impossible to come. He believes he’s potent - a studmaster, a beast - but his dick won’t behave, the condom keeps slipping off. He ends up verging on a coronary, huffing and puffing and humping away but nothing doing and Suzie’s “worried about getting lockjaw.”

Earlier, Opium had done a dreaded “young guy.” Good looking, nice body, the shaved head and requisite tattoos but like most “young guys” had something to prove. I’m gonna show you what a real fuck is. Jesus.
In better times she wouldn't do young guys, the idiot instantly slamming away for all he’s worth, wanting to hear her scream. So she screams. Yells her lungs out about how fucking huge he is and I can’t take anymore and you’ve made me come like I’ve never come before and I’d love to stay all night and do it for free but the hitmen who run this heavily mobbed-up agency want every dollar or they’ll kill us both if you don’t pay full freight. So the “young guy” is happy and gives her an extra fifty bucks.

Then we get a call somewhere in the semi-shitty bowels of east end Scarborough. It’s a low-rise apartment building. I watch from the car as Suzie goes to the doors and what appears to be a little kid comes to open up. I’m thinking, what - the father is degenerate enough to send down his kid?
Suzie looks back at us like what the hell? but the little feller’s smiling and glad and she goes with him. A few minutes later I get her text. Ok. Half hr.
Fifteen minutes later she’s back in the car, laughing her ass off. She shakes her head, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“That was just too fucking sad.”
“That was him, the john.”
“That little kid?!”
“He’s not a kid. He’s got some kind of condition, stunted growth. The guy’s like thirty-five years old!”
“Yeah, and he’s got this high voice like: ‘Hi, I’m Bobby, what’s your name?’ Then he looks down all depressed and says ‘I’ve got erectile dysfunction.’
‘That’s too bad, Bobby. How long have you had that?’
‘All my life.’
‘Geez. Tell ya what, Bobby. How about I just play with myself and you can watch.’
He gets all excited and bounces up and down. ‘Really? You’re gonna do that for me?’
‘Sure.’ So I did and he was so happy, grabbing his crotch, breathing hard. I mean, like fucking Wow. So I tell him, okay, gotta fly, Bobby, nice to meet you.’”
Suzie covers her face with her hands, somewhere between laughing and crying a river. “So he says to me… ‘Sorry I couldn’t satisfy you, Suzie.’ Fuck, I wanted to kill us both. It was like, ‘That’s all right, you did fine, Bobby, bless your little heart.’”
Me and Opium just stare at her for a moment.
I feel like killing all of us. “Jesus.”
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
Basil's Personal Blog...


  1. cant open the link, says permission denied

  2. Same here... Access Denied!!!

  3. Something screwed up on their end. We're looking into it now. Sorry about this, folks! As soon as it's fixed, I'll let you know. Baz said I could publish the whole thing here, but I don't HAVE the whole thing! Bare with us!


  4. Thanks man..... Works grest now, and very interesting reading!!!

  5. You know how sometimes a word commonly used in everyday life can sometimes, and out of nowhere, come across as funny? I just ran into two words I'd never seen used before in the same sentence. Just about pissed my pants laughing over this one. "Raunchy trannies." That's right. "Raunchy trannies." One more time: "Raunchy trannies."

  6. Muuuuuuuch better...I've been wanting to read the rest of this for a few days now.

  7. Sorry about all that. The website that was posting my stuff, openbooktoronto.com say they've had a tech glitch - but only with certain writers and certain posts. All their other 'feeds' are fine. Uh... yeah. I guess it could be true but my ingrained paranoia was tweaked. Then again, they did leave up How To Murder Your Children, Part 1 so who the fuck knows. Maybe they really are that incompetent. All is supposed to be resolved within a few days. I wouldn't give a shit what they do but since they are publicly funded, I'm going to ride their asses. If they want to run a private and precious little knitting club, they can pay for it out of their own pocket, not via taxpayers. And this ain't just for me. There are a lot of good young writers out there who would be deflected by this kind of bullshit and they deserve to be heard - at least more so than a bunch of spindly-necked poetry geeks who wouldn't offend a dead man.