Friday, April 8, 2011


INNOCENT QUESTION #00000001 ~ With the news yesterday that Kevin "K-Meth" Federline -- the once and former Mister Britney Spears -- is about to become a father for the fifth time, and with his third baby-mama, isn't it time for the United Nations to step in and begin enforcing all those resolutions against biological terrorism? Someone needs to protect the gene pool from this wigger wannabe douche-bag and his Testicles of Mass Destruction, but pronto.

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000002 ~ After the scrap-metal scavenging antics of 75-year-old Georgian grandmother Hayastan Shakarian accidentally led to the entire nation of Armenia being cut off from the Internet for 12 whole hours, one question looms large: How did the world's unibrow fetishists cope with being cut off from all their favorite cam-whores? For those unlucky few, truly this was the day the fapping died...

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000003 ~ Whether it happens in the vacuum of sub-orbital space, or the crushing blackness  at the bottom of the Marianas Trench, you gotta know that, whenever Sir Richard Branson kicks the bucket, it's gonna be really fuckin' funny. Which kinda makes you wonder: why would a billionaire want to kill himself so badly?

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000004 ~ Who was the lucky lady who got to conduct the research and collect the data that went into putting together this global index of national penis size averages... and is she still sore?

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000005 ~ Should Charlie Sheen consent to doing an interview with me when he comes through Toronto next week? I promise to be respectful and I think I might be able to steer him in conversational directions that he would greatly appreciate. Besides, one of his shows is being held on my birthday, for cryin' out loud! What could be more perfect?!

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000006 ~ Looking at Karima el-Mahroug -- a.k.a. Ruby, the Moroccan runaway who allegedly played bunga-bunga with Italian PM Benito Berlusconi when she was only 17 -- I have to wonder, considering all the other shit Il Douche is guilty of doing, is this really the "crime" that his foes should be hanging their prosecutorial hopes on? I mean, for fuck's sake... just LOOK at her!!!

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000007 ~ Who farted?

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000008 ~ Hey, James Franco... I see that you're trying to spread your wings a little these days. Aside from being a critically acclaimed actor in such successful films as the Spider-Man franchise, Milk, 127 Hours and Pineapple Express, I see that you're lobbying hard to be allowed to direct the film version of Cormac McCarthy's notoriously difficult and complex novel of epic violence in the untamed West, Blood Meridian. I also see that you're getting involved with the McSweeney's gang, getting some stories published, interviewing other artists, and that you're even undertaking an MFA so that people can't say you're not taking it seriously. Now I see that you want to be a correspondent for The Colbert Report. I guess my Innocent Question to you is, would you fucking FUCK OFF, ALREADY, FRANCO?!?! Leave some fucking oxygen for the rest of us, guy! Sheesh!

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000009 ~ As England's Prince William's wedding to cutie-pie Kate Middleton steadily approaches, all the various celebrity-oriented media outlets are tripping over each others' dicks to tell us all about every detail. Yesterday, I was reading one of those free newspapers on the subway, and it had an article on "bridal gowns of the rich and royal" with photographs spanning the last few decades. The featured images were of 1. Grace Kelly getting married to Prince Rainier of Monaco, 2. Lady Diana Spencer getting married to Prince Charles, and 3. Carolyn Bessette getting married to John Kennedy Junior. Hmmm... let's see... #1 died in a horrific car crash. #2 died in a horrific car crash. #3 died in a horrific plane crash. Were they trying to tell this Middleton girl something? Run, girl... RUN!!!

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