DAILY DIRT FOR MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2011

------BITS AND PIECES!------

• Did you ever notice how, when you check out a news story to which that egg-sucking freak Matt Drudge has provided a link, the comments section is invariably brimming with a seemingly endless roll-call of vomitous doggerel being spewed by his knuckle-dragging, sub-mongoloid, conservative movementarian cohort? Did you ever notice that? Well, yer old pal Jerky sure has, and I think it's high time we pay this putrid phenomenon its proper due by sticking it with a name. Perhaps when a link has been flooded with faux outrage by Drudge's army of mindless inbred zombie drones, we could say it has been "egged", in honor of the fedora-wearing high-school dropout's penchant for cracking raw eggs all over himself and his same-sex partners as they screw themselves silly atop the pile of payola he's collected from various shadowy fascist groups over the years. I'm open to any and all suggestions on this topic. If you've got a suggestion, please leave it in the comments section below, or email it to me and I'll make a list of the top suggestions. Then we can put it to a vote or something.
• Photographer/artist Chris Jordan has a website where he showcases the amazing results of his ongoing project in high-resolution photography. Yer old pal Jerky thinks his work is just fucking magnificent. I won't bother explaining it beyond telling you that it deals with consumerism and representations of the critical masses that result from that consumption. It's compelling, thought-provoking stuff.
• Our old pal Sixlegged writes in to inform me that he went out looking to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but he couldn't find any.

-----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

- Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Richard O...

Down in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. So, Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge -- into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' bout the good ole days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up, "Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

- Today's second joke was sent in by Tucker...

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line... just one person in front of me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change? yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
Furious, the Asian guy replies, "Fluck you white guys, too!"

- Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal Ben Brockliss, that maggot-gagging bastard...

A guy goes to the Doctor and says "I've got a problem Doc, everytime I look in the mirror, I get an errection!"
The Doctor says "That's because you look like a cunt!"

-----THEY SAID IT!-----

"The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg. Every American seems to care only about The Sound of Music. The occasional Japanese wants to see Hitler's birthplace in Braunau. But for the British, it's all about Fucking."

- Honestly, folks, this story isn't about what you're thinking it's about...

_____________

"It's not where you take things from. It's where you take them to."

- French filmmaker Jean-Luc Goddard has a little something to say about "plagiarism".

-----ON THIS DAY!-----

On April 11 in the year 1775, for the last time on European soil, an individual found guilty of the crime of witchcraft is killed in an official, state-sanctioned execution, in Germany.

On this day in 1868, shogun Tokugawa Yoshinobu surrenders Edo Castle to Imperial forces, marking the end of Japan's shogun era and the beginning of the Meiji Restoration. This development came about partly because, after American Commodore Matthew Perry showed up in Japan accompanied by an impressive fleet of technologically advanced warships, Japanese elites collectively freaked out. They hatched a plan to get rid of the samurai class and the feudal, agrarian system over which they presided and replace it with a more forward-thinking oligarchy, headed up by a hereditary figurehead, the aforementioned Emperor Meiji. In less than half a century, the combination of rapid cultural change, techno-fetishism, the sublimation of a disgruntled samurai remnant and increasingly obsessive Emperor worship would lead to some of the most unfortunate chapters in the history of all mankind.

On this day in 1876, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks is first organized. They remain one of the leading fraternal orders in the United States, with over one million dues-paying members.

On this day in 1951, less than four months after its theft from Westminster Abbey by Scottish nationalist university students, the Stone of Scone is discovered hidden beneath the altar of Arbroath Abbey in Scotland. The origins of the so-called "Stone of Destiny", which played a minor role in the recent film The King's Speech, is shrouded in mystery. Some claim that it dates back to Antiquity, or even that it is the legendary "Stone of Jacob", the rock upon which the biblical patriarch was resting his head when he was delivered a "divine revelation" from Jehovah, as detailed in the Book of Genesis. But it's probably just a rock.

On this day in 1961, the trial of fugitive Nazi technocrat Adolf Eichmann begins in Jerusalem. After World War II, Eichmann had fled to Argentina under an assumed name, where he worked for Mercedes-Benz until he was identified, located, then kidnapped by the Mossad, who brought him to Israel to stand trial for his central role in organizing the Holocaust. He was found guilty and hanged in 1962, the only person ever to be executed in Israel based on the findings of a civilian court.

On this day 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act into existence, prohibiting discrimination in the sale, rental, and financing of housing to individuals based on their race. At the time, pondering the effect this might have on voters in the formerly Democratic-leaning South, Johnson is said to have said: "We've lost them for a generation." It turns out he was way too optimistic.

This day in 2001 saw the ignominious conclusion to the Hainan Island Incident, the first real crisis of Preznit Dubya's heart-breaking White House career. On April Fools Day, an American spy plane had to make an emergency landing on a Chinese island after being bumped out of the sky by a Chinese fighter jet. It was on this day, ten days later, that the 24 American crew members were released by the Chinese government, but not before the White House issued a groveling apology, which they preferred to characterize as "an expression of regret and sorrow" over the death of the Chinese driver... I mean pilot. A coincidence of note is that the American aircraft was a Navy EP-3E ARIES II signals intelligence aircraft, and the incident took place while the sun was in the Zodiac House of Aries. Aries is ruled by the planet Mars, God of War.

And, finally -- last but definitely not least -- on this day in 2002, an attempted coup d'état takes place in Venezuela, resulting in the temporary ouster of President Hugo Chávez. If you relied on Western media to inform you about those infuriating, exasperating, incredibly inspiring days, then you have no idea what happened. I strongly urge you to give your undivided attention to the documentary, The Revolution Will Not Be Televised, embedded below. It's one of the most important documents ever produced in terms of its revelations about the the true nature, focus and direction of American policy towards Latin America. Just watch it. From beginning to end. I'm serious. It will infuriate you.

-----ASK JERKY!-----

Hello there, JERKY! I am 23, a guy, go to college in the bay area. I have two room-mates. One of them is a guy and he is a year younger than me. I don't think of myself as a what people call a 'queer' or 'fag'. But I am strongly attracted to my roomate. We really enjoy each other's company and do a lot of things together. The only thing missing is a phsyical relationship and it seems so natural that we should take that next step. He doesnt have a girlfriend and I have never seen him go out on dates with women. There have been moments when I was sure he was thinking the same thing as me but I didnt have the nerve to lean over and kiss him. If he is not gay that is fine too- I respect people's limits. But how can I find out what hes feelng about the situation without freaking him out and driving him to move out? Signed: RAMAR

Dear RAMAR; no matter what you do, you'll never be able to control his reactions. However, the way I see it, there are only two possible ways of dealing with this situation. The first way is, I think, the best. I call it the "Band-Aid" method (you know how when you take a Band-Aid off quickly it hurts less than if you do it slow?). Just strip buck-naked, walk into his room with your cock in your hand and an inquisitive look on your face. When he turns around, shrug nonchalantly and ask: "Want some?" There will be no ambiguity in his response, I guarantee you that. The second method is the "slow burn." Rent a soft-core European porn video featuring both hetero and homo sex scenes. Watch it with him. During the scenes with chicks, watch his expression. Try to detect any arousal. If he remains stone-faced throughout, wait for the fag scenes, then sneak up behind him and shove your cock in his armpit.

(PS - This is a repeat from, like, 2002. Do you know why? Because I haven't gotten any requests for ADVICE yet! Hurry up and send me some questions, you ingrates! Send them to jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com... NOW! - YOPJ)