DAILY DIRT FOR SATURDAY, APRIL 9, 2011

------BITS AND PIECES!------

• Welcome to the first "whole Dirt in a single post" edition of the Daily Dirt! I, yer old pal Jerky, shall endeavor to produce one of these all-encompassing posts each and every day, along with supplemental posts and links that I will post intermittently as the need and/or occasion arises. So, from now on, all the JOKES and QUOTES will be found in this daily section, which will be titled "Daily Dirt for (insert the date)". So if you come to the site and the first thing you see is, like, some strange video, or a long-winded essay or something, just scroll down and you're sure to find that day's Dirt somewhere near the top! Anyway, I hope you appreciate everything I'm doing for you, you dirty sons of bitches!
• Here's a hilarious bit of trivia to get any right-thinking individual's blood boiling. You know how one of the conservative movement's long-standing goals is the destruction of any and all forms of public broadcasting in America? That includes the already fund-starved National Public Radio and Public Broadcasting System. They say they want to de-fund these institutions because they're a drain on the public purse, and because they do stuff that's already being done by commercial, profit-driven media like talk radio and, say, A&E. Now, whether or not Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Michael the Savage Weiner do anything to inspire and educate their listeners, and whether or not Dog the Bounty Hunter and a half-dozen shows about goddamn wedding cakes constitutes either "Art" or "Entertainment"... that's a topic for another rant. I would like to point out, however, that, last year, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting received $420 million from the federal government. In the same time period, the fundamentalist evangelical "Christian" university founded by Jerry Fucking Falwell received HALF A BILLION DOLLARS in federal money. That's right... Liberty University -- just one of many such bigot-creating brainwash centers currently operating in the good old USA -- is not only an accredited institution of higher learning, it is also the #1 recipient of Pell Grant money in the state of Virginia. This, despite the fact that their biology department teaches its students something called Young Earth Creationism. Somebody refresh my memory, here, but isn't there something in the Constitution about "separation between Church and State"? 
• You know, it occurs to yer old pal Jerky that the main difference between Islam and Christianity is that Muslims know they're slaves. They embrace it. The word "Islam" literally means "submission". Meanwhile, Christians go around talking about how they've been "saved" and "set free" by their Lord and Savior, the Messiah... but it's a lie. In truth, they're waiting and praying for the day when King Jesus comes down from the Heavens to kick all those unbelieving smarty-pants atheists into the Abyss, where they will spend a billion eternities regretting not regretting taking a bite of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. To put it succinctly, most Christians are desperate to be freed from the terrible freedom of being free.
• As if you needed more evidence to prove that cult leader Ayn Rand and her devoted army of pseudo-intellectually identical "Randroids" suck diarrhea through a see-through straw, along comes a tale of objectivism-fueled emotional neglect that almost beggars belief.

-----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

- Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Russell Vox...

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. 

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. 

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. 

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said. "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up!"
- Today's second joke was sent in by Dave A...

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons and watch the girls and discuss world problems. 

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. Then one day Sam approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I've been in jail."
"Jail?!" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty."
"So that's why you've been in jail?"

"Not exactly. The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

- Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal Sixxlegged, who ought to be ashamed of himself...

One day, a loose string went into a bar and asked for a drink. The bartender said:, "We don't serve loose strings in here. Get the hell out right now."
So, then the string went into the men's room and proceeded to tie himself into a knot. Then he messed up his hair really good and went back into the bar. He bellied up to the bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
The the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the same loose string I just threw out of here?"
And the string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot."

-----THEY SAID IT!-----

"Run away, as quickly as possible."

- Natalia Manzurova, one of the few survivors among those directly involved in the long cleanup of Chernobyl, has a short-but-simple message for the people who live near the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant in Japan.

_____________

"These funds are authorized by Congress and Congress is elected by voters. I've always been in the position where I believe I’m a steward of those federal funds. I’m a steward of tax-payer money."

- "Doctor" Robert Ritz, gooey fundamentalist "Christian" tubalard and Liberty University's director of financial aid, explains why he thinks the so-called "university" founded by retarded bigot Jerry Falwell using federal funds does NOT run counter to its so-called "conservative" so-called "values". See the first story in today's Bits and Pieces for the whole story.

-----ON THIS DAY!-----

On April 9 in the year 2003, after the application of a little "Shock and Awe" by the Coalition of the Willing, the city of Baghdad falls to advancing American forces. In the center of the city, a statue of Saddam Hussein is pulled down in what the mainstream media described as regular, everyday Iraqis turning on symbols of their former leader. In fact, that's still the way Wikipedia portrays those events. In reality, however, even the Pentagon was forced to admit that the whole thing was a stage-managed psychological operation. Oh well, it might have been a Big Lie, but at least it ended the war!

-----ASK JERKY!-----

Hey Jerky! Has anybody sent you any advice column questions yet? Signed: Lap D'Lo Rey


Dear Lap D'Lo Rey; Actually, now that you mention it, no, I have NOT received any requests for advice about anything yet. Not about love and relationships, not about penis size or semen volume... nothing! Nada! Zilch! So why don't you guys get on that, eh? Send me some QUESTIONS already!