DAILY DIRT FOR SUNDAY, APRIL 10, 2011

------BITS AND PIECES!------

• The Chinese couple in the apartment right next to mine have a baby daughter. Each and every morning around 6 AM, just like clockwork, the kid begins to shriek and blubber and bawl like she's being torn apart by wild dogs. I'm talking gasping, choking, screaming, howling banshee wails of total and utter Apocalyptic despair, here. It wakes me up and puts me in an extremely foul mood every fucking morning (it just happened now, in fact), and, every morning, I fantasize about smashing through the wall like the Kool Aid Guy and booting that monstrous little toad right through the fucking window. One or two times I've actually pounded my meaty mitts against the walls and shouted: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO IT?!" Oh well... I'm up now. Might as well get today's Dirt finished and posted.
• Our old pal Daddybear (PBUH) recently sent yer old pal Jerky a set of instructions on how to make Kool Aid wine. I tried it out, and I can vouch for the fact that it is a fun, extremely easy way to make very cheap but drinkable alcohol. It won't replace a nice beer or wine, but it's perfect for those occasions when you need plenty of cheap booze. The initial equipment investment is about $5, and ingredients will usually only cost you about $4 for 4L of wine. The alcoholic content usually settles at between 8% and 10%, which ain't bad at all. If it takes you (or the waffle house waitress you're trying to seduce) a litre of the stuff to get wasted, that translates into $1 for one night! You just can't beat that price. The stuff is drinkable after about 2 weeks, but improves greatly after 3 to 4 weeks. So go ahead, what are you waiting for? Get out there, DIY and enjoy! 
• For any of you out there who still think Obama is worth cheering over, here are a bunch of paintings of America's latest Caretaker Preznit by Dan Lacey, the "Pancake Painter", featuring him in the nude, riding unicorns, defeating a pink dolphin-riding Sarah Palin and a bloated, flying Rush Limbaugh, among other visual delights. Enjoy.
• Hey! Do you guys like the fact that I'm changing the Daily Dirt Diaspora "header" at the top of this page every few days? So far I've mostly stuck to images of interesting things I've seen on the news -- Japanese rescue workers praying over wooden coffins, a refugee tent camp in Libya -- but today I used an image just because I thought it was freakin' cool. Space photography rocks, does it not? Anyway, if you come across an image that you think might make a good temporary header for the DDD, please send it to yer old pal Jerky via the usual channels. Hell, you can even go ahead and put in the text if you want! Just make sure the final image is no more than 830 and no less than 820 pixels wide.

-----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

- Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Wade Sharp...

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How ya doin' me bucko?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do us a favour, mate. Run upstairs and get me slippers. Me feet are freezing!"
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with the both of you."
They say, "Get stuffed! He would never."
So Mick shouts downstairs: "Hey, Paddy! Did you mean both of em?"
To which Paddy shouts back: "Of course both of em! What's the point of fuckin' one?!"

- Today's second joke was sent in by Naveed...

A man had just settled into his seat on the plane when another man sits down and puts his dog in the seat between them.
The first man looks at the dog and asks how it can be allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is with the DEA and that this is a Sniffer Dog. "His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne."
The plane takes off, and the agent says: "Watch this."
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy! That woman is in possession of marijuana. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat!" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. He sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine. He'll be arrested when we land, also."

"I like it!! says his seat mate.
The agent tells Smithy to head out for another run. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a while, sits down for a moment, then comes racing back to the agent, whereupon he jumps into the middle seat and shits all over the place.
The first man can't figure out how such a well-trained dog could behave like this. He give the agent a curious look.
To which the agent replies in a low whisper: "Smithy just located a bomb."

- Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal Saint Andy, and at least it's short...

Q: How can you tell two lesbians are identical twins?
A: They lick alike!

-----THEY SAID IT!-----

"What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and me? I give private information on corporations to you for free and I'm a villain. Zuckerberg gives your private information to corporations for money and he's Man of the Year."

- Wikileaks founder Julian Assange.

_____________

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."

- The late, great Kurt Vonnegut.

-----ON THIS DAY!-----

On April 10 in the year 1606, the Charter of the Virginia Company of London is established by royal charter by King James I of England. In December of that same year, 144 men and boys set out on a ship from Blackwall, London, to establish the colony. The voyage takes 144 days -- far longer than usual -- and 40 passengers die along the way. After that, things really go South...

On this day in 1710, the Statute of Anne enters into force in Great Britain. It is the first ever law to regulate copyright. Contrary to popular assumption, copyright law originally had little or nothing to do with protecting the rights of authors as regards securing access to potential revenue that their work might generate. Rather, it represented a government effort to regulate and control the potentially subversive output of that new-fangled contraption known as the printing press.

On this day in 1904, in Cairo, Egypt, British mystic Aleister Crowley transcribes the third and final chapter of his Liber AL Vel Legis, also known as The Book of The Law. It all began when, during a trip to Egypt, Crowley performed a ritual to invoke the Egyptian deity Thoth. Soon afterwards, his then-wife, Rose Kelly, went into a light trance, repeatedly telling Crowley: "They are waiting for you."  Because Kelly had previously shown little interest in occult matters, Crowley ignored her. But then, one day, the couple paid a visit to Egypt's Buluq Museum, where Kelly was able to find, identify and (most importantly) explain the Stele of Revealing, an ancient Egyptian artifact. This convinced Crowley that Kelly was being truthful, so he began paying attention, at which point his Holy Guardian Angel, a being by the name of Aiwass, dictated the entirety of the Book of the Law through Kelly, whose words were dutifully transcribed by Crowley. The Stele, by the way, is currently tucked hidden away in a disused corner of the Cairo Museum. As the central artifact in one of the most controversial New Religious Movements of the 20th century, it appears to be a source of embarrassment. Recently, an associate of yer old pal Jerky's hunted down the Stele and shot some footage of it on his camera phone. That video, now...

On this day in 1912, the Titanic leaves port in Southampton, England, for her first and only voyage.

On this day in 1919, Mexican Revolution leader Emiliano Zapata is ambushed and shot dead by government forces in Morelos.

On this day in 1972, 74 nations sign the Biological Weapons Convention, the first multilateral disarmament treaty banning the production of biological weapons. Shortly thereafter, HIV and AIDS begin  working their Satanic magic, depopulating the resource-rich African continent. As an added bonus, they also begin to "deal with" America's troublesome homosexual and intravenous drug using communities. By the way, to those debunkers who claim that "conspiracy theories" about AIDS can be proven wrong simply by identifying strains that existed prior to that point in history where the transmission vector becomes so incredibly suspicious, I say to you, does the fact that a rock might be millions of years old mean that it can't be used to bash in another person's skull?

One year ago today, on this day in 2010, Polish Air Force Tu-154M -- carrying a Polish delegation en route to Katyn to attend a ceremony marking the 70th anniversary of the Katyn Massacre in which the Soviets killed about 22,000 Polish military officers -- crashes near Smolensk, Russia, killing all 96 passengers. Among those killed were President Lech Kaczyński and dozens of senior Polish officials, including former President-in-exile Ryszard Kaczorowski, Poland's top military brass, lawmakers, heads of the Polish National Bank and other central institutions, presidential aides, bishops and priests of various denominations, relatives of those killed in the Katyn massacre, as well as officers of the presidential security detail and crew members. Here is the text of the speech that President Kaczyński was supposed to deliver that day.

-----ASK JERKY!-----

Hey Jerky! I know you want people to write you with their problems and ask you for your advice, but I'm gonna flip that around on you. I've got some advice for you. Always remember that whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So that means if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit. Signed: Ridgeway

Dude, if any woman would have me, that would SO be going up on my refrigerator! Unfortunately, seeing as I am now and will forever be alone, all I can do is fantasize about catching grief from "the Old Lady". Kinda pathetic when even the bad times look like good times.