Monday, March 21, 2011

BY THE WAY, JUST FOR THE RECORD...

Yer old pal Jerky is of the opinion that Barack Hussein Obama - America's first super-hero President - pretty much sucks leachate from a straw carved out of an orphaned baby's colarbones. While it was still alive. After it was forced to watch its parents slowly suffocated under a vast number of clear plastic bags containing the fat sucked out of various parts of Oprah Hussein Winfrey during her many secret liposuction procedures. Just so we're all clear on that fact, straight from Jump Street.

Now, off to do more studying for you bastards! In the meantime, here are a few jokes to tide you over. I believe they are entirely new to the Dirt, having never been run between 1999 and 2006!

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Today's first joke was sent in by Naveed Zafar... five frickin' years ago!

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs."
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

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Thanks to our old pal Luis for sending in today's second joke... five frickin' years ago!

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. They walk up to the bar and the Parrot orders a Strawberry Daiquiri.
The bartender is amazed and says, "Wow! That's pretty cool, where'd you find it?"
The parrot replies, "In Africa! They're everywhere!"

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And what Daily Dirt joke section would be complete without a WORST joke of the day? Today's groaner was sent in by N8Possibilities... five frickin' years ago!

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar. What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you Tell me the name of your Willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really satisfies."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and Says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita, and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'."
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY... 'Like a Rock!'"
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood...
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

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