Just in time for the most pagan of all "Christian" holidays, our old pal Sixlegged (PBUH) regretfully informs us that, yes, it IS possible to make Rebecca Black's execrable Friday song even worse than it already is. According to Sixer: "religious propaganda piggybacking on pop culture is like a quinine and eel asshole casserole." After subjecting himself to the parody in question, yer old pal Jerky would have to concur. But you can go ahead and judge for yourself...
The Chinese couple in the apartment right next to mine have a baby daughter. Each and every morning around 6 AM, just like clockwork, the kid begins to shriek and blubber and bawl like she's being torn apart by wild dogs. I'm talking gasping, choking, screaming, howling banshee wails of total and utter Apocalyptic despair, here. It wakes me up and puts me in an extremely foul mood every fucking morning (it just happened now, in fact), and, every morning, I fantasize about smashing through the wall like the Kool Aid Guy and booting that monstrous little toad right through the fucking window. One or two times I've actually pounded my meaty mitts against the walls and shouted: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO IT?!" Oh well... I'm up now. Might as well get today's Dirt finished and posted.
Our old pal Daddybear (PBUH) recently sent yer old pal Jerky a set of instructions on how to make Kool Aid wine. I tried it out, and I can vouch for the fact that it is a fun, extremely easy way to make very cheap but drinkable alcohol. It won't replace a nice beer or wine, but it's perfect for those occasions when you need plenty of cheap booze. The initial equipment investment is about $5, and ingredients will usually only cost you about $4 for 4L of wine. The alcoholic content usually settles at between 8% and 10%, which ain't bad at all. If it takes you (or the waffle house waitress you're trying to seduce) a litre of the stuff to get wasted, that translates into $1 for one night! You just can't beat that price. The stuff is drinkable after about 2 weeks, but improves greatly after 3 to 4 weeks. So go ahead, what are you waiting for? Get out there, DIY and enjoy!
For any of you out there who still think Obama is worth cheering over, here are a bunch of paintings of America's latest Caretaker Preznit by Dan Lacey, the "Pancake Painter", featuring him in the nude, riding unicorns, defeating a pink dolphin-riding Sarah Palin and a bloated, flying Rush Limbaugh, among other visual delights. Enjoy.
Hey! Do you guys like the fact that I'm changing the Daily Dirt Diaspora "header" at the top of this page every few days? So far I've mostly stuck to images of interesting things I've seen on the news -- Japanese rescue workers praying over wooden coffins, a refugee tent camp in Libya -- but today I used an image just because I thought it was freakin' cool. Space photography rocks, does it not? Anyway, if you come across an image that you think might make a good temporary header for the DDD, please send it to yer old pal Jerky via the usual channels. Hell, you can even go ahead and put in the text if you want! Just make sure the final image is no more than 830 and no less than 820 pixels wide.
-----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----
- Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Wade Sharp...
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How ya doin' me bucko?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do us a favour, mate. Run upstairs and get me slippers. Me feet are freezing!"
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with the both of you."
They say, "Get stuffed! He would never."
SoMick shouts downstairs: "Hey, Paddy! Did you mean both of em?"
To which Paddy shouts back: "Of course both of em! What's the point of fuckin' one?!"
- Today's second joke was sent in by Naveed...
A man had just settled into his seat on the plane when another man sits down and puts his dog in the seat between them.
The first man looks at the dog and asks how it can be allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is with the DEA and that this is a Sniffer Dog. "His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne."
The plane takes off, and the agent says: "Watch this."
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy! That woman is in possession of marijuana. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat!" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. He sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine. He'll be arrested when we land, also."
"I like it!! says his seat mate.
The agent tells Smithy to head out for another run. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a while, sits down for a moment, then comes racing back to the agent, whereupon he jumps into the middle seat and shits all over the place.
The first man can't figure out how such a well-trained dog could behave like this. He give the agent a curious look.
To which the agent replies in a low whisper: "Smithy just located a bomb."
- Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal Saint Andy, and at least it's short...
Q: How can you tell two lesbians are identical twins? A: They lick alike!
-----THEY SAID IT!-----
"What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and me? I give private information on corporations to you for free and I'm a villain. Zuckerberg gives your private information to corporations for money and he's Man of the Year."
- Wikileaks founder Julian Assange.
_____________
"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."
- The late, great Kurt Vonnegut.
-----ON THIS DAY!-----
On April 10 in the year 1606, the Charter of the Virginia Company of London is established by royal charter by King James I of England. In December of that same year, 144 men and boys set out on a ship from Blackwall, London, to establish the colony. The voyage takes 144 days -- far longer than usual -- and 40 passengers die along the way. After that, things really go South...
On this day in 1710, the Statute of Anne enters into force in Great Britain. It is the first ever law to regulate copyright. Contrary to popular assumption, copyright law originally had little or nothing to do with protecting the rights of authors as regards securing access to potential revenue that their work might generate. Rather, it represented a government effort to regulate and control the potentially subversive output of that new-fangled contraption known as the printing press.
On this day in 1904, in Cairo, Egypt, British mystic Aleister Crowley transcribes the third and final chapter of his Liber AL Vel Legis, also known as The Book of The Law. It all began when, during a trip to Egypt, Crowley performed a ritual to invoke the Egyptian deity Thoth. Soon afterwards, his then-wife, Rose Kelly, went into a light trance, repeatedly telling Crowley: "They are waiting for you." Because Kelly had previously shown little interest in occult matters, Crowley ignored her. But then, one day, the couple paid a visit to Egypt's Buluq Museum, where Kelly was able to find, identify and (most importantly) explain the Stele of Revealing, an ancient Egyptian artifact. This convinced Crowley that Kelly was being truthful, so he began paying attention, at which point his Holy Guardian Angel, a being by the name of Aiwass, dictated the entirety of the Book of the Law through Kelly, whose words were dutifully transcribed by Crowley. The Stele, by the way, is currently tucked hidden away in a disused corner of the Cairo Museum. As the central artifact in one of the most controversial New Religious Movements of the 20th century, it appears to be a source of embarrassment. Recently, an associate of yer old pal Jerky's hunted down the Stele and shot some footage of it on his camera phone. That video, now...
On this day in 1912, the Titanic leaves port in Southampton, England, for her first and only voyage.
On this day in 1919, Mexican Revolution leader Emiliano Zapata is ambushed and shot dead by government forces in Morelos.
On this day in 1972, 74 nations sign the Biological Weapons Convention, the first multilateral disarmament treaty banning the production of biological weapons. Shortly thereafter, HIV and AIDS begin working their Satanic magic, depopulating the resource-rich African continent. As an added bonus, they also begin to "deal with" America's troublesome homosexual and intravenous drug using communities. By the way, to those debunkers who claim that "conspiracy theories" about AIDS can be proven wrong simply by identifying strains that existed prior to that point in history where the transmission vector becomes so incredibly suspicious, I say to you, does the fact that a rock might be millions of years old mean that it can't be used to bash in another person's skull?
One year ago today, on this day in 2010, Polish Air Force Tu-154M -- carrying a Polish delegation en route to Katyn to attend a ceremony marking the 70th anniversary of the Katyn Massacre in which the Soviets killed about 22,000 Polish military officers -- crashes near Smolensk, Russia, killing all 96 passengers. Among those killed were President Lech Kaczyński and dozens of senior Polish officials, including former President-in-exile Ryszard Kaczorowski, Poland's top military brass, lawmakers, heads of the Polish National Bank and other central institutions, presidential aides, bishops and priests of various denominations, relatives of those killed in the Katyn massacre, as well as officers of the presidential security detail and crew members. Here is the text of the speech that President Kaczyński was supposed to deliver that day.
-----ASK JERKY!-----
Hey Jerky! I know you want people to write you with their problems and ask you for your advice, but I'm gonna flip that around on you. I've got some advice for you. Always remember that whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So that means if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit. Signed: Ridgeway
Dude, if any woman would have me, that would SO be going up on my refrigerator! Unfortunately, seeing as I am now and will forever be alone, all I can do is fantasize about catching grief from "the Old Lady". Kinda pathetic when even the bad times look like good times.
Welcome to the first "whole Dirt in a single post" edition of the Daily Dirt! I, yer old pal Jerky, shall endeavor to produce one of these all-encompassing posts each and every day, along with supplemental posts and links that I will post intermittently as the need and/or occasion arises. So, from now on, all the JOKES and QUOTES will be found in this daily section, which will be titled "Daily Dirt for (insert the date)". So if you come to the site and the first thing you see is, like, some strange video, or a long-winded essay or something, just scroll down and you're sure to find that day's Dirt somewhere near the top! Anyway, I hope you appreciate everything I'm doing for you, you dirty sons of bitches!
Here's a hilarious bit of trivia to get any right-thinking individual's blood boiling. You know how one of the conservative movement's long-standing goals is the destruction of any and all forms of public broadcasting in America? That includes the already fund-starved National Public Radio and Public Broadcasting System. They say they want to de-fund these institutions because they're a drain on the public purse, and because they do stuff that's already being done by commercial, profit-driven media like talk radio and, say, A&E. Now, whether or not Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Michael the Savage Weiner do anything to inspire and educate their listeners, and whether or not Dog the Bounty Hunter and a half-dozen shows about goddamn wedding cakes constitutes either "Art" or "Entertainment"... that's a topic for another rant. I would like to point out, however, that, last year, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting received $420 million from the federal government. In the same time period, the fundamentalist evangelical "Christian" university founded by Jerry Fucking Falwell received HALF A BILLION DOLLARS in federal money. That's right... Liberty University -- just one of many such bigot-creating brainwash centers currently operating in the good old USA -- is not only an accredited institution of higher learning, it is also the #1 recipient of Pell Grant money in the state of Virginia. This, despite the fact that their biology department teaches its students something called Young Earth Creationism. Somebody refresh my memory, here, but isn't there something in the Constitution about "separation between Church and State"?
You know, it occurs to yer old pal Jerky that the main difference between Islam and Christianity is that Muslims know they're slaves. They embrace it. The word "Islam" literally means "submission". Meanwhile, Christians go around talking about how they've been "saved" and "set free" by their Lord and Savior, the Messiah... but it's a lie. In truth, they're waiting and praying for the day when King Jesus comes down from the Heavens to kick all those unbelieving smarty-pants atheists into the Abyss, where they will spend a billion eternities regretting not regretting taking a bite of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. To put it succinctly, most Christians are desperate to be freed from the terrible freedom of being free.
As if you needed more evidence to prove that cult leader Ayn Rand and her devoted army of pseudo-intellectually identical "Randroids" suck diarrhea through a see-through straw, along comes a tale of objectivism-fueled emotional neglect that almost beggars belief.
-----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----
- Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Russell Vox...
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said. "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up!" - Today's second joke was sent in by Dave A...
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons and watch the girls and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. Then one day Sam approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I've been in jail."
"Jail?!" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty."
"So that's why you've been in jail?"
"Not exactly. The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
- Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal Sixxlegged, who ought to be ashamed of himself...
One day, a loose string went into a bar and asked for a drink. The bartender said:, "We don't serve loose strings in here. Get the hell out right now."
So, then the string went into the men's room and proceeded to tie himself into a knot. Then he messed up his hair really good and went back into the bar. He bellied up to the bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
The the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the same loose string I just threw out of here?"
And the string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot."
-----THEY SAID IT!-----
"Run away, as quickly as possible."
- Natalia Manzurova, one of the few survivors among those directly involved in the long cleanup of Chernobyl, has a short-but-simple message for the people who live near the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant in Japan.
_____________
"These funds are authorized by Congress and Congress is elected by voters. I've always been in the position where I believe I’m a steward of those federal funds. I’m a steward of tax-payer money."
- "Doctor" Robert Ritz, gooey fundamentalist "Christian" tubalard and Liberty University's director of financial aid, explains why he thinks the so-called "university" founded by retarded bigot Jerry Falwell using federal funds does NOT run counter to its so-called "conservative" so-called "values". See the first story in today's Bits and Pieces for the whole story.
-----ON THIS DAY!-----
On April 9 in the year 2003, after the application of a little "Shock and Awe" by the Coalition of the Willing, the city of Baghdad falls to advancing American forces. In the center of the city, a statue of Saddam Hussein is pulled down in what the mainstream media described as regular, everyday Iraqis turning on symbols of their former leader. In fact, that's still the way Wikipedia portrays those events. In reality, however, even the Pentagon was forced to admit that the whole thing was a stage-managed psychological operation. Oh well, it might have been a Big Lie, but at least it ended the war!
-----ASK JERKY!-----
Hey Jerky! Has anybody sent you any advice column questions yet? Signed: Lap D'Lo Rey
Dear Lap D'Lo Rey; Actually, now that you mention it, no, I have NOT received any requests for advice about anything yet. Not about love and relationships, not about penis size or semen volume... nothing! Nada! Zilch! So why don't you guys get on that, eh? Send me some QUESTIONS already!
INNOCENT QUESTION #00000001 ~ With the news yesterday that Kevin "K-Meth" Federline -- the once and former Mister Britney Spears -- is about to become a father for the fifth time, and with his third baby-mama, isn't it time for the United Nations to step in and begin enforcing all those resolutions against biological terrorism? Someone needs to protect the gene pool from this wigger wannabe douche-bag and his Testicles of Mass Destruction, but pronto.
INNOCENT QUESTION #00000002 ~ After the scrap-metal scavenging antics of 75-year-old Georgian grandmother Hayastan Shakarian accidentally led to the entire nation of Armenia being cut off from the Internet for 12 whole hours, one question looms large: How did the world's unibrow fetishists cope with being cut off from all their favorite cam-whores? For those unlucky few, truly this was the day the fapping died...
INNOCENT QUESTION #00000003 ~ Whether it happens in the vacuum of sub-orbital space, or the crushing blackness at the bottom of the Marianas Trench, you gotta know that, whenever Sir Richard Branson kicks the bucket, it's gonna be really fuckin' funny. Which kinda makes you wonder: why would a billionaire want to kill himself so badly?
INNOCENT QUESTION #00000004 ~ Who was the lucky lady who got to conduct the research and collect the data that went into putting together this global index of national penis sizeaverages... and is she still sore?
INNOCENT QUESTION #00000005 ~ Should Charlie Sheen consent to doing an interview with me when he comes through Toronto next week? I promise to be respectful and I think I might be able to steer him in conversational directions that he would greatly appreciate. Besides, one of his shows is being held on my birthday, for cryin' out loud! What could be more perfect?!
INNOCENT QUESTION #00000006 ~ Looking at Karima el-Mahroug -- a.k.a. Ruby, the Moroccan runaway who allegedly played bunga-bunga with Italian PM Benito Berlusconi when she was only 17 -- I have to wonder, considering all the other shit Il Douche is guilty of doing, is this really the "crime" that his foes should be hanging their prosecutorial hopes on? I mean, for fuck's sake... just LOOK at her!!!
INNOCENT QUESTION #00000007 ~ Who farted?
INNOCENT QUESTION #00000008 ~ Hey, James Franco... I see that you're trying to spread your wings a little these days. Aside from being a critically acclaimed actor in such successful films as the Spider-Man franchise, Milk, 127 Hours and Pineapple Express, I see that you're lobbying hard to be allowed to direct the film version of Cormac McCarthy's notoriously difficult and complex novel of epic violence in the untamed West, Blood Meridian. I also see that you're getting involved with the McSweeney's gang, getting some stories published, interviewing other artists, and that you're even undertaking an MFA so that people can't say you're not taking it seriously. Now I see that you want to be a correspondent for The Colbert Report. I guess my Innocent Question to you is, would you fucking FUCK OFF, ALREADY, FRANCO?!?! Leave some fucking oxygen for the rest of us, guy! Sheesh!
INNOCENT QUESTION #00000009 ~ As England's Prince William's wedding to cutie-pie Kate Middleton steadily approaches, all the various celebrity-oriented media outlets are tripping over each others' dicks to tell us all about every detail. Yesterday, I was reading one of those free newspapers on the subway, and it had an article on "bridal gowns of the rich and royal" with photographs spanning the last few decades. The featured images were of 1.Grace Kelly getting married to Prince Rainier of Monaco, 2. Lady Diana Spencer getting married to Prince Charles, and 3. Carolyn Bessette getting married to John Kennedy Junior. Hmmm... let's see... #1 died in a horrific car crash. #2 died in a horrific car crash. #3 died in a horrific plane crash. Were they trying to tell this Middleton girl something? Run, girl... RUN!!!
"The point is that Republicans are always trying talking about deregulation and big government. But I say their philosophy is small government for the big guy and big government for the little guy. And so, if my wife's uterus was incorporated, or my friend's bedroom was incorporated, maybe the republicans would be talking about deregulating."
- The words of Democratic Florida State Representative Scott Randolph have inspired ACLU Florida to start a movement and create a website urging Florida women to "incorporate their uteri" in an effort to keep Republicans from sticking their noses up there, uninvited. The Republican response? They condemned Randolph's language and BANNED THE USE OF THE WORD UTERUS on the floor. That reaction is so absolutely perfect, it almost makes me want to cry.
"The Republicans wanted $65 million in spending cuts. We offered $35 million. They turned us down. So we agreed with the $65 million. And they turned that down, too. The Republicans are refusing to take YES for an answer."
- Senator Harry Reid (D-Nutless) went on CNN this week and, in the span of six Hemingway-length sentences, inadvertently revealed exactly what's wrong with America's Democratic establishment.
***
"I haven't gotten a dick picture in a long time. I think people are a little afraid. It can turn out bad."
- Aw... poor l'il Rihanna! The sexy Bajan pop tart whined to Rolling Stone Magazine about the awful backlash she's had to endure ever since some of her private "sextings" were accidentally intercepted, then released to the public.
Sorry for the tardiness of this edition, folks, but yer old pal Jerky is grappling with a crippling case of writer's block… again. It's a particularly nasty block this time, with a multiplicity of causes, none of which are easily resolved or explained. Nevertheless, as an exercise in piercing this vexing mental membrane, I will attempt to do so. I request your patience for the next few paragraphs.
As far as I can tell, the roots of this current blockage are three-fold.
First is a nagging self-doubt. I have increasingly come to feel that -- especially but not exclusively as regards matters relating the global realpolitik - my opinions and suspicions are neither sufficiently grounded in verifiable data, nor all that interesting to anyone other than myself, to merit publication. This is due to a number of factors, not least of which is the increasing and calculated pollution of the media streams which constitute the sum totality of my information gathering resources.
Corporate journalism is hopelessly compromised by trickledown meddling from management, ownership and above. The alternative media -- always something of a haven for attention-craving crackpots with dubious hidden agendas -- now play host to a growing number of agents provocateur. These PsyOps warriors dispense expertly crafted disinformation designed to send would-be truth-seekers dashing madly off in all directions, chasing wild geese, red herrings and jackalopes. Perfect cover for the crimes of their elite clientele.
Knowing that most of the writers whose opinions I respect drink from the same poisoned well as I do only serves to compound my despair. How can you trust your instincts when you can't even trust the information on which said instincts are based?
Which brings me to my second problem: outrage fatigue. Today, after six years of writing about The Powers That Be getting away with literal and metaphorical murder, I feel as though I know how Sisyphus felt as he rolled that boulder up the hill, over and over again, only to watch it tumble back to the bottom every time he came close to reaching the top. I imagine it's the exact same kind of fatigue which has caused Capitol Hill Blue founder Doug Thompson to finally call it quits. From his 'no mas' farewell editorial:
"I'm tired and this tilting at windmills business is exhausting. I've been writing about the foibles, corruption and misdeeds of politicians for more than 40 years but the system we have today is worse than ever. I'm no longer sure that trying to educate a deaf audience through journalism is worth the time or the effort."
While yer old pal Jerky isn't quite arrogant enough to consider himself an educator, he certainly groks Thompson's sentiment. So many Daily Dirt readers, with the best of intentions, write me, asking: "Why haven't you written anything about the missing White House e-mails, or that creepy Negroponte's appearance before the Senate Intelligence Committee, or the leaked documents that show Bush and Blair were planning to trick Saddam into war, or the missing billions in Iraqi reconstruction funds, or Halliburton's new no-bid contract to build detention camps on American soil?"
My (so far unspoken) answer to these questions is an exasperated "What's the fucking point?" Writing about the crimes of The Powers That Be is beginning to feel like performing surgery on myself without anesthesia. It hurts like hell, and I only have a vague hint as to what I'm doing, which means I'll likely fuck it up in the long run.
Which brings me to my third problem: Disillusionment.
According to legend, the last words spoken by Hassan i-Sabbah - the Old Man of the Mountain, head of the Order of Assassins -- were: "Nothing is true; everything is permitted." It is a maxim that makes explicit the fundamental idea at the heart of existentialism, that every individual is free to do whatever he is capable of doing. Utterly and terribly free. Ethics, morals, religious precepts, laws; all are artificial constructs created by men of greater or lesser wisdom, and all may be ignored by any individual or group possessing sufficient will and determination.
In other words, when Thrasymachus told Socrates: "justice is the advantage of the stronger", and that "injustice, if it is on a large enough scale, is stronger, freer, and more masterly than justice", he was right. The idea that the United States is a nation of laws is, and perhaps has always been, a lie. Maybe there's some truth to the idea that it's a "noble lie" in the tradition of Leo Strauss and his neoconservative disciples -- heirs to Thrasymachus' philosophy of power, via Machiavelli, Hobbes and Nietzsche -- but it remains a lie. Maybe our problem isn't that we're being lied to. Maybe our problem is that we're being lied to poorly.
And anyway, what good does it do us to know that it's a lie? That there is no set of rules that can't be gamed, that even commandments etched in stone can be chipped and chiseled away, given the right tools and mindset? In the bible, God forbade Adam and Eve to eat fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. The philosopher John Stuart Mill declared, only half jokingly, that "ignorance is bliss". In The Big Lebowski, Walter salves his friend's angst by declaring: "Fuck it, dude. Let's go bowling." I, for one, am beginning to think these gentlemen were on to something.
Are you confused? Are you sick of it all? Are you ready to call it quits and throw in the towel? Do you secretly wonder if it's you, not them? Are you constantly amazed by the daily parade of bald-faced liars who force their way into your living room and spew demonstrably ridiculous propaganda in your face as though their very lives depended on it?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then at least you know you're not alone.
(This editorial originally ran in the Daily Dirt on Febuary 2, 2006, but remains absolutely relevant to where yer old pal Jerky finds himself today. - YOPJ)
First of all, I realize it does no good to say this - and I mention it at the risk of sounding like one of those douchebags who tries to make every news story, no matter how universal, all about themselves - but over the last few weeks, ever since they've been treated to an Apocalyptic trifecta of earthquake, tsunami and slow-motion nuclear meltdown, my heart has been breaking for Japan.
The Japanese people have suffered, and are still suffering, catastrophe on a previously unimaginable scale. When the counting is done, Japan will have lost ten times the number of kinsmen that Americans lost in the terrorist attacks of September 11, and with less than a third the population. As for the devastated infrastructure and farmland, no accounting method yet conceived is capable of tallying loss of this magnitude.
You've probably already seen the terrifying videos of the tsunami, but perhaps it's worth taking another look at some of the most incredible amateur footage, if only to remind ourselves that it really happened. First, this video of an angry ocean literally scouring most of a city off the face of the Earth...
Next, this footage - filmed by someone with balls of steel - which is similar to the video above, and yet somehow more terrifying because it so starkly captures the relentlessness of the destructive forces at play...
Finally, this unbelievable footage of acre after acre of farmland being swallowed up by a boiling, wine-dark sea...
The words simply do not exist to convey the absolute, Satanic chaos taking place in the videos above. They must be seen to be believed, and even then credulity is stretched to the breaking point. These are money shots from a dozen imaginary Michael Bey movies that somehow crept their way into our reality... an unending montage of Boschian tableaux to choke the greedy gaze of even the most unrepentant, spectacle-crazed disaster glutton. Gazing into the Nietzschean abyss never felt so voyeuristic.
And to think... so many of my smartest friends think I've lost the plot when I tell them we're living in the Age of Apocalypse.
But more about that, later.
For now, let's take a deep breath, hike up our trousers, blink our eyes, maybe scratch our balls - do whatever it takes to snap the fuck out of it, already, and take a look at some cold, hard facts about the Japocalypse. Because, hey, "the Devil you know" and all that crap. Okay? Are you ready? Let's start.
First things first, unless you're living in the northern half of Japan, for the love of Godzilla, please do us all a favor and STOP PANICKING about RADIATION! Yes, the numbers being bandied about by the mainstream media have been downright terrifying. Big scary numbers thrown around without any attempt at context tends to have that effect on people. But let's be honest... before the Japocalypse, most of us didn't know the difference between a rad and a millisievert, and that probably still holds true.
Thankfully, the fine folks at XKCD.com - a collective of physicists who spend their leisure time drawing hilarious stick figure comics for the Asperger set - have put together a most excellent and educational Radiation Dose Chart. It really puts things in perspective. Clip, print and save this puppy, because it will be indispensable in helping you know when it's really time to panic.
Here is another excellent chart, with even more detailed information about the possible health ramifications of exposure to higher-than-normal doses of radiation. Also, if you're curious about what, exactly, is taking place inside Fukushima's FUBAR reactors, this really good info graphic goes a long way towards de-mystifying that situation.
Hey now! How 'bout that Naoto Kan? For a while there, it was looking like he might turn out to be the Japanese Rudy Giuliani. Now he's looking more like one of those British "Action Man" dolls, changing costumes more often than Tyler Perry. For one press conference, the Prime Minster is adorned in the trademark coveralls of the suicidally selfless nuclear power plant workers who are trying to prevent a full-blown meltdown - the Kamikaze-like Fukushima 50. For another, he and his Cabinet dressed up as rescue workers... utility belts and all. Earlier this week, when news broke that Japan had flushed huge amounts of radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean, I half expected Kan to address the nation in full SCUBA gear, flippers and all.
Well, that's probably enough about the Japocalypse for now. I felt like I needed to get SOMETHING about it into the Dirt before the whole thing recedes into the dimly flickering fog of our collective amnesiac memory-hole. Otherwise, when our Alien Robot Overlords invade the Earth and wipe out all our memories along with all forms of electronic and hard-copy historical media - with the singular exception of the Daily Dirt Diaspora Blog -there might be an inexcusable gap in the planet's historic record!
Just wanted to say I'm overjoyed that you're back on your feet and doing what you do best, getting up to speed very quickly. These are difficult times and we need you and your insightful (inciteful?) mind. I've been having a bit of a rough time of it and haven't been able to read your blog until now. I was in both earthquakes, one in Christchurch NZ which munted my folks' place and my home base, and then three weeks later I was in Tokyo for that mind-fuck, too.
We escaped to Europe for a bit but have returned to Tokyo to get a good dose of radiation, whatever that might mean. It's great to have the Dirt back on board though, and I'll be looking forward to getting back into following your writings.
Just a though, maybe you can set up a donate button for people to slip you some cash for your efforts. I know it's not the way with "everything is free" Internet, but you efforts deserve rewarding and your bills don't pay themselves, I'm sure. A little bit of voluntary subscription could be nice, although if your friends are anything like mine when it comes time to put your hand in your pocket and show your appreciation, financially they're all mysteriously broke. Fuckers! :)
Best wishes, mate. Really great to have you back.
Cheers! NZ Rob
DUDE... First things first, I love you man, but do not even ASK if you can pay yer old pal Jerky a visit. The last thing I need is to find myself wedged between the toilet and the tub in a bathroom that's been earthquaked down around my fat ass. Now that that's out of the way, I just want to say that I think the fact that you're concerned about my financial well-being despite everything you've recently gone through means you must be one hell of a fine human being. People like you were the reason I loved writing the Dirt between 1999 and 2006. And now, people like you are what's making my return to daily blogging so rewarding and enjoyable. I guess what I'm trying to say is... Thanks for being you! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go slap myself stupid for being such a sentimental little pissy-pants'd "Emo" bitch-boy.
Hey, gang! It's yer old pal Jerky, here. You know, this morning I got to thinking. "Jerky", I said to myself - only in my head, because I was thinking - "what were some of the things that you liked best about writing the Daily Dirt?"
Good question, me! Hmmm... Let's see. Was it the fame that opened so many doors for me in my career as a professional writer? Was it the vast fortune I was able to amass? Was it the beautiful, sexy young women who constantly and shamelessly flung themselves at my lard-encased carcass? Was it the fact that one of my biggest fans turned out to be a pharmacist who dispensed all the free prescription drugs I could gobble?
Well, obviously it was the drugs, of course. I mean, let's be real, here. And the chicks were a close second, I'm pretty sure... or, at least, they would have been, had there been any. The money was nice... and the fame, that was good, too.But mostly I'd have to say it was the drugs.
However, somewhere down that seemingly endless list of the things I liked best about writing the Dirt - nestled between my semi-annual wart scraping and the time I narrowly avoided getting beat up by Jim J. Bullock - is the fellowship... the sense of community that the Dirt seemed to engender among so many of its regular readers.
In other words, I enjoyed and appreciated all the friendships that resulted from writing the Dirt for all those years. And in thinking about ways to re-capture that sense of community, fellowship and belonging - of personal investment in this odd little corner of the Interwebs - I have decided to steal a page from the late, great Forrest J. Ackerman's book... literally.
You remember old Forry, dont you? He's the genius behind one of the most influential magazines ever to haunt yer old pal Jerky's childhood. That magazine was Famous Monsters of Filmland, and one of its regular features was Reader Photos in the Letters Department. Forry would run a reader's pic with the slogan: "WANTED! More Readers Like..." and then he would put their names.
It was cute, it was interesting, and it definitely fostered the sense that, by reading Famous Monsters, you were part of a larger community. A sad, sexless and extremely geeky community, but a community nonetheless. And by now I suppose that you can guess where I'm going with this.
That's right, smart-ass. I want YOU to send me your picture, so I can mess around with it in Photoshop, then publicly humiliate you in these very pages! Come on... you know you want to! Whether you've been reading the Dirt since Pig McBaker was writing it, or whether you only started up in the last few weeks, screw up your courage and send your photograph to jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com, and I promise to do immortalize you for as long as the Dirt shall live!
