Wednesday, April 6, 2011
SOME THOUGHTS ON THE JAPOCALPYSE
First of all, I realize it does no good to say this - and I mention it at the risk of sounding like one of those douchebags who tries to make every news story, no matter how universal, all about themselves - but over the last few weeks, ever since they've been treated to an Apocalyptic trifecta of earthquake, tsunami and slow-motion nuclear meltdown, my heart has been breaking for Japan.
The Japanese people have suffered, and are still suffering, catastrophe on a previously unimaginable scale. When the counting is done, Japan will have lost ten times the number of kinsmen that Americans lost in the terrorist attacks of September 11, and with less than a third the population. As for the devastated infrastructure and farmland, no accounting method yet conceived is capable of tallying loss of this magnitude.
You've probably already seen the terrifying videos of the tsunami, but perhaps it's worth taking another look at some of the most incredible amateur footage, if only to remind ourselves that it really happened. First, this video of an angry ocean literally scouring most of a city off the face of the Earth...
Next, this footage - filmed by someone with balls of steel - which is similar to the video above, and yet somehow more terrifying because it so starkly captures the relentlessness of the destructive forces at play...
Finally, this unbelievable footage of acre after acre of farmland being swallowed up by a boiling, wine-dark sea...
The words simply do not exist to convey the absolute, Satanic chaos taking place in the videos above. They must be seen to be believed, and even then credulity is stretched to the breaking point. These are money shots from a dozen imaginary Michael Bey movies that somehow crept their way into our reality... an unending montage of Boschian tableaux to choke the greedy gaze of even the most unrepentant, spectacle-crazed disaster glutton. Gazing into the Nietzschean abyss never felt so voyeuristic.
And to think... so many of my smartest friends think I've lost the plot when I tell them we're living in the Age of Apocalypse.
But more about that, later.
For now, let's take a deep breath, hike up our trousers, blink our eyes, maybe scratch our balls - do whatever it takes to snap the fuck out of it, already, and take a look at some cold, hard facts about the Japocalypse. Because, hey, "the Devil you know" and all that crap. Okay? Are you ready? Let's start.
First things first, unless you're living in the northern half of Japan, for the love of Godzilla, please do us all a favor and STOP PANICKING about RADIATION! Yes, the numbers being bandied about by the mainstream media have been downright terrifying. Big scary numbers thrown around without any attempt at context tends to have that effect on people. But let's be honest... before the Japocalypse, most of us didn't know the difference between a rad and a millisievert, and that probably still holds true.
Thankfully, the fine folks at XKCD.com - a collective of physicists who spend their leisure time drawing hilarious stick figure comics for the Asperger set - have put together a most excellent and educational Radiation Dose Chart. It really puts things in perspective. Clip, print and save this puppy, because it will be indispensable in helping you know when it's really time to panic.
Here is another excellent chart, with even more detailed information about the possible health ramifications of exposure to higher-than-normal doses of radiation. Also, if you're curious about what, exactly, is taking place inside Fukushima's FUBAR reactors, this really good info graphic goes a long way towards de-mystifying that situation.
Hey now! How 'bout that Naoto Kan? For a while there, it was looking like he might turn out to be the Japanese Rudy Giuliani. Now he's looking more like one of those British "Action Man" dolls, changing costumes more often than Tyler Perry. For one press conference, the Prime Minster is adorned in the trademark coveralls of the suicidally selfless nuclear power plant workers who are trying to prevent a full-blown meltdown - the Kamikaze-like Fukushima 50. For another, he and his Cabinet dressed up as rescue workers... utility belts and all. Earlier this week, when news broke that Japan had flushed huge amounts of radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean, I half expected Kan to address the nation in full SCUBA gear, flippers and all.
Well, that's probably enough about the Japocalypse for now. I felt like I needed to get SOMETHING about it into the Dirt before the whole thing recedes into the dimly flickering fog of our collective amnesiac memory-hole. Otherwise, when our Alien Robot Overlords invade the Earth and wipe out all our memories along with all forms of electronic and hard-copy historical media - with the singular exception of the Daily Dirt Diaspora Blog - there might be an inexcusable gap in the planet's historic record!
You never know. It could happen.
The Japanese people have suffered, and are still suffering, catastrophe on a previously unimaginable scale. When the counting is done, Japan will have lost ten times the number of kinsmen that Americans lost in the terrorist attacks of September 11, and with less than a third the population. As for the devastated infrastructure and farmland, no accounting method yet conceived is capable of tallying loss of this magnitude.
You've probably already seen the terrifying videos of the tsunami, but perhaps it's worth taking another look at some of the most incredible amateur footage, if only to remind ourselves that it really happened. First, this video of an angry ocean literally scouring most of a city off the face of the Earth...
Next, this footage - filmed by someone with balls of steel - which is similar to the video above, and yet somehow more terrifying because it so starkly captures the relentlessness of the destructive forces at play...
Finally, this unbelievable footage of acre after acre of farmland being swallowed up by a boiling, wine-dark sea...
The words simply do not exist to convey the absolute, Satanic chaos taking place in the videos above. They must be seen to be believed, and even then credulity is stretched to the breaking point. These are money shots from a dozen imaginary Michael Bey movies that somehow crept their way into our reality... an unending montage of Boschian tableaux to choke the greedy gaze of even the most unrepentant, spectacle-crazed disaster glutton. Gazing into the Nietzschean abyss never felt so voyeuristic.
And to think... so many of my smartest friends think I've lost the plot when I tell them we're living in the Age of Apocalypse.
But more about that, later.
For now, let's take a deep breath, hike up our trousers, blink our eyes, maybe scratch our balls - do whatever it takes to snap the fuck out of it, already, and take a look at some cold, hard facts about the Japocalypse. Because, hey, "the Devil you know" and all that crap. Okay? Are you ready? Let's start.
First things first, unless you're living in the northern half of Japan, for the love of Godzilla, please do us all a favor and STOP PANICKING about RADIATION! Yes, the numbers being bandied about by the mainstream media have been downright terrifying. Big scary numbers thrown around without any attempt at context tends to have that effect on people. But let's be honest... before the Japocalypse, most of us didn't know the difference between a rad and a millisievert, and that probably still holds true.
Thankfully, the fine folks at XKCD.com - a collective of physicists who spend their leisure time drawing hilarious stick figure comics for the Asperger set - have put together a most excellent and educational Radiation Dose Chart. It really puts things in perspective. Clip, print and save this puppy, because it will be indispensable in helping you know when it's really time to panic.
Here is another excellent chart, with even more detailed information about the possible health ramifications of exposure to higher-than-normal doses of radiation. Also, if you're curious about what, exactly, is taking place inside Fukushima's FUBAR reactors, this really good info graphic goes a long way towards de-mystifying that situation.
Hey now! How 'bout that Naoto Kan? For a while there, it was looking like he might turn out to be the Japanese Rudy Giuliani. Now he's looking more like one of those British "Action Man" dolls, changing costumes more often than Tyler Perry. For one press conference, the Prime Minster is adorned in the trademark coveralls of the suicidally selfless nuclear power plant workers who are trying to prevent a full-blown meltdown - the Kamikaze-like Fukushima 50. For another, he and his Cabinet dressed up as rescue workers... utility belts and all. Earlier this week, when news broke that Japan had flushed huge amounts of radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean, I half expected Kan to address the nation in full SCUBA gear, flippers and all.
Well, that's probably enough about the Japocalypse for now. I felt like I needed to get SOMETHING about it into the Dirt before the whole thing recedes into the dimly flickering fog of our collective amnesiac memory-hole. Otherwise, when our Alien Robot Overlords invade the Earth and wipe out all our memories along with all forms of electronic and hard-copy historical media - with the singular exception of the Daily Dirt Diaspora Blog - there might be an inexcusable gap in the planet's historic record!
You never know. It could happen.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
READER MAIL!
Hey Jerky;
Just wanted to say I'm overjoyed that you're back on your feet and doing what you do best, getting up to speed very quickly. These are difficult times and we need you and your insightful (inciteful?) mind. I've been having a bit of a rough time of it and haven't been able to read your blog until now. I was in both earthquakes, one in Christchurch NZ which munted my folks' place and my home base, and then three weeks later I was in Tokyo for that mind-fuck, too.
We escaped to Europe for a bit but have returned to Tokyo to get a good dose of radiation, whatever that might mean. It's great to have the Dirt back on board though, and I'll be looking forward to getting back into following your writings.
Just a though, maybe you can set up a donate button for people to slip you some cash for your efforts. I know it's not the way with "everything is free" Internet, but you efforts deserve rewarding and your bills don't pay themselves, I'm sure. A little bit of voluntary subscription could be nice, although if your friends are anything like mine when it comes time to put your hand in your pocket and show your appreciation, financially they're all mysteriously broke. Fuckers! :)
Best wishes, mate. Really great to have you back.
Cheers!
NZ Rob
Best wishes, mate. Really great to have you back.
Cheers!
NZ Rob
DUDE... First things first, I love you man, but do not even ASK if you can pay yer old pal Jerky a visit. The last thing I need is to find myself wedged between the toilet and the tub in a bathroom that's been earthquaked down around my fat ass. Now that that's out of the way, I just want to say that I think the fact that you're concerned about my financial well-being despite everything you've recently gone through means you must be one hell of a fine human being. People like you were the reason I loved writing the Dirt between 1999 and 2006. And now, people like you are what's making my return to daily blogging so rewarding and enjoyable. I guess what I'm trying to say is... Thanks for being you! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go slap myself stupid for being such a sentimental little pissy-pants'd "Emo" bitch-boy.
LONG-TIME FAN? NEW TO THE DIRT? EITHER WAY, SEND ME YOUR PIC!
Hey, gang! It's yer old pal Jerky, here. You know, this morning I got to thinking. "Jerky", I said to myself - only in my head, because I was thinking - "what were some of the things that you liked best about writing the Daily Dirt?"
Good question, me! Hmmm... Let's see. Was it the fame that opened so many doors for me in my career as a professional writer? Was it the vast fortune I was able to amass? Was it the beautiful, sexy young women who constantly and shamelessly flung themselves at my lard-encased carcass? Was it the fact that one of my biggest fans turned out to be a pharmacist who dispensed all the free prescription drugs I could gobble?
Well, obviously it was the drugs, of course. I mean, let's be real, here. And the chicks were a close second, I'm pretty sure... or, at least, they would have been, had there been any. The money was nice... and the fame, that was good, too.But mostly I'd have to say it was the drugs.
However, somewhere down that seemingly endless list of the things I liked best about writing the Dirt - nestled between my semi-annual wart scraping and the time I narrowly avoided getting beat up by Jim J. Bullock - is the fellowship... the sense of community that the Dirt seemed to engender among so many of its regular readers.
In other words, I enjoyed and appreciated all the friendships that resulted from writing the Dirt for all those years. And in thinking about ways to re-capture that sense of community, fellowship and belonging - of personal investment in this odd little corner of the Interwebs - I have decided to steal a page from the late, great Forrest J. Ackerman's book... literally.
You remember old Forry, dont you? He's the genius behind one of the most influential magazines ever to haunt yer old pal Jerky's childhood. That magazine was Famous Monsters of Filmland, and one of its regular features was Reader Photos in the Letters Department. Forry would run a reader's pic with the slogan: "WANTED! More Readers Like..." and then he would put their names.
It was cute, it was interesting, and it definitely fostered the sense that, by reading Famous Monsters, you were part of a larger community. A sad, sexless and extremely geeky community, but a community nonetheless. And by now I suppose that you can guess where I'm going with this.
That's right, smart-ass. I want YOU to send me your picture, so I can mess around with it in Photoshop, then publicly humiliate you in these very pages! Come on... you know you want to! Whether you've been reading the Dirt since Pig McBaker was writing it, or whether you only started up in the last few weeks, screw up your courage and send your photograph to jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com, and I promise to do immortalize you for as long as the Dirt shall live!
Hurry up and send those pics!
YOPJ
Good question, me! Hmmm... Let's see. Was it the fame that opened so many doors for me in my career as a professional writer? Was it the vast fortune I was able to amass? Was it the beautiful, sexy young women who constantly and shamelessly flung themselves at my lard-encased carcass? Was it the fact that one of my biggest fans turned out to be a pharmacist who dispensed all the free prescription drugs I could gobble?
Well, obviously it was the drugs, of course. I mean, let's be real, here. And the chicks were a close second, I'm pretty sure... or, at least, they would have been, had there been any. The money was nice... and the fame, that was good, too.But mostly I'd have to say it was the drugs.
However, somewhere down that seemingly endless list of the things I liked best about writing the Dirt - nestled between my semi-annual wart scraping and the time I narrowly avoided getting beat up by Jim J. Bullock - is the fellowship... the sense of community that the Dirt seemed to engender among so many of its regular readers.
In other words, I enjoyed and appreciated all the friendships that resulted from writing the Dirt for all those years. And in thinking about ways to re-capture that sense of community, fellowship and belonging - of personal investment in this odd little corner of the Interwebs - I have decided to steal a page from the late, great Forrest J. Ackerman's book... literally.
You remember old Forry, dont you? He's the genius behind one of the most influential magazines ever to haunt yer old pal Jerky's childhood. That magazine was Famous Monsters of Filmland, and one of its regular features was Reader Photos in the Letters Department. Forry would run a reader's pic with the slogan: "WANTED! More Readers Like..." and then he would put their names.
It was cute, it was interesting, and it definitely fostered the sense that, by reading Famous Monsters, you were part of a larger community. A sad, sexless and extremely geeky community, but a community nonetheless. And by now I suppose that you can guess where I'm going with this.
That's right, smart-ass. I want YOU to send me your picture, so I can mess around with it in Photoshop, then publicly humiliate you in these very pages! Come on... you know you want to! Whether you've been reading the Dirt since Pig McBaker was writing it, or whether you only started up in the last few weeks, screw up your courage and send your photograph to jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com, and I promise to do immortalize you for as long as the Dirt shall live!
Hurry up and send those pics!
YOPJ
DDD FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE!
Yer old pal Jerky is proud to present the Daily Dirt Diaspora's very first of what he hopes will be a veritable avalanche of First Amendment Zone Guest Editorials, submitted by our old pal Ima Pseudonmy! Enjoy! - YOPJ
MOPJ...
While channel-surfing today - a hollow pursuit if there ever was one - I came upon this wondrous commercial for a video by one Porter Stansberry, "End of America 62." It's apparently free online, and as near as I can tell, it's designed to push all the panic-buttons of the average Fox News viewer. They're pushing it pretty hard, too.
Porter Stansberry is the "genius" who predicted the GM collapse. Of course, he's also the guy responsible for the "ZOMG OIL SHALE IN COLORADO / The US Govt's Secret Colorado Oil Discovery," email thingie that went around a few years ago, the "Super Insider Stock Tips" thing, a scandal around a fake HIV vaccine, and various and sundry securities fraud thingies. Here's a link talking about it..
And, what the hell, here's a link where I talk about it. Because I'm one egocentric bastard.
Seriously, if you've never heard of the Fundies Say the Darndest Things website (second link above), you're in for a helluva treat. FSTDT is where all the kewl folks of the anti-idiot insurgency hang out and really build up the inertia. Really, it's a hoot.
Most Sincerely Yours,
Ima Pseudonym, a.k.a. Tempus in some places, Waffle-Iron Jim in others, Smirky the Wonder Chimp in a few, and That Fucking Asshole in all the rest.
MOPJ...
While channel-surfing today - a hollow pursuit if there ever was one - I came upon this wondrous commercial for a video by one Porter Stansberry, "End of America 62." It's apparently free online, and as near as I can tell, it's designed to push all the panic-buttons of the average Fox News viewer. They're pushing it pretty hard, too.
Porter Stansberry is the "genius" who predicted the GM collapse. Of course, he's also the guy responsible for the "ZOMG OIL SHALE IN COLORADO / The US Govt's Secret Colorado Oil Discovery," email thingie that went around a few years ago, the "Super Insider Stock Tips" thing, a scandal around a fake HIV vaccine, and various and sundry securities fraud thingies. Here's a link talking about it..
And, what the hell, here's a link where I talk about it. Because I'm one egocentric bastard.
Seriously, if you've never heard of the Fundies Say the Darndest Things website (second link above), you're in for a helluva treat. FSTDT is where all the kewl folks of the anti-idiot insurgency hang out and really build up the inertia. Really, it's a hoot.
Most Sincerely Yours,
Ima Pseudonym, a.k.a. Tempus in some places, Waffle-Iron Jim in others, Smirky the Wonder Chimp in a few, and That Fucking Asshole in all the rest.
PREZ OBAMA HAS FUN WITH NUMEROLOGY!
On the fourth day of the fourth month of the year, the forty-fourth President of the United States of America - Barack Hussein Obama - announced his intention to run for re-election in the 2012 Presidential Elections.
When you divide 2012 by 4, you get 503.
503 is a prime number and also a safe prime, this being a prime number that takes the form 2p + 1, where p is also a prime.
503 is also the sum of three consecutive primes: 163 + 167 + 173. It is also the sum of the cubes of the first four primes.
503 is also a Chen prime and an Eisenstein prime with no imaginary part. In mathematics, an Eisenstein prime is an Eisenstein integer
that is irreducible (or equivalently prime) in the ring-theoretic sense: its only Eisenstein divisors are the units (±1, ±Ï‰, ±Ï‰2), a + bω itself and its associates. The associates (unit multiples) and the complex conjugate of any Eisenstein prime are also prime. Cool, right?
that is irreducible (or equivalently prime) in the ring-theoretic sense: its only Eisenstein divisors are the units (±1, ±Ï‰, ±Ï‰2), a + bω itself and its associates. The associates (unit multiples) and the complex conjugate of any Eisenstein prime are also prime. Cool, right?Furthermore, 503 is also a proposed HTTP status code indicating a gateway time-out, SMTP status code meaning bad sequence of commands. Hmmm... "bad sequence of commands"... "Barack Obama"... Could this possibly be a coincidence?
Um... actually, yeah. Come to think of it, it probably is.
Monday, April 4, 2011
USELESS EATER BLOG SPECIAL REPORT: THE GULENIST MOVEMENT
The Man, the Movement, the Gule-Meister!
Full report continued at our sister publication, the Useless Eater Blog!
JOKES OF THE DAY
Today's first joke comes from our old pal Spido-Man, and it literally doubled me over. Why didn't I think of this?!
Q: What do the Iron Man suit and Sarah Palin have in common?
A: They both have Downey Juniors in them!
Today's second joke comes from Wade...
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: "I look horrible! I feel fat and ugly and my self esteem has never been worse. Why don't you pay me a compliment?"
To which the husband replies: "Your eyesight is perfect!"
Our worst joke of the day today was sent in by our old pal Robert Ridgeway, and it was sent in honor of Easter!
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
To which the lady replied: "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
Q: What do the Iron Man suit and Sarah Palin have in common?
A: They both have Downey Juniors in them!
***
Today's second joke comes from Wade...
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: "I look horrible! I feel fat and ugly and my self esteem has never been worse. Why don't you pay me a compliment?"
To which the husband replies: "Your eyesight is perfect!"
***
Our worst joke of the day today was sent in by our old pal Robert Ridgeway, and it was sent in honor of Easter!
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
To which the lady replied: "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
Sunday, April 3, 2011
UPDATE! ANOTHER GIBBERISH-SPEWING REPORTER ON LIVE TV
UPDATE to our previous report on the possibility that some shadowy group might be covertly messing with TV presenters by scrambling their brains with microwaves or whatever in the middle of live reports! This time, the Broadcast Babbling Breakdown victim is one Sarah Carlson, a CBS News personality in Madison, Wisconsin. Notice the similarities to what happened to Global Canada's Mark McAllister and another CBS reporter, Serene Branson...
Okay, that's just creepy. I mean, what the eff was that she said about "exorcism"? Is she trying to say the Devil made her lose it? Her fellow announcer seemed pretty freaked at the end, there, too. I know I sure would have been.
Anyhoo, if you spot any more incidents like this, please let me know, and I'll try to post them here! This could be the mind control equivalent to ChemTrails - which are on the verge of being proven fact after years of being called bullshit, just like Giant Squids and MK-Ultra! So let's keep on top of this crazy phenomenon and see what we can see!
BITS AND PIECES
- New York actor Michael Brea - who appeared in an episode of the hit TV show Ugly Betty and was a one-time spokesmodel for the Coca-Cola energy drink Full Throttle - apparently chopped off his mother's head using a "samurai sword" he claims he was given during a ceremony at a Masonic Lodge. Adding intrigue to insanity, the victim in this horrific case used to work at... wait for it... the World Trade Center! That's right. Yannick Brea was a survivor of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. And now she's dead. Read more in this Useless Eater Blog post!
- Um, excuse me, folks, but what the Hell did you THINK Charlie Sheen was going to do in his Torpedo of Truth live show? He's Charlie Fucking Sheen. Sit down and shut up and listen to the man lay down the kind of cosmically revelatory wisdom that only a year-long cocaine jag can inspire. Like the man said, he's "already got your money, dude." WINNING!
- Watching recent coverage of congress-jerk Peter King (R-NY) and his anti-Muslim "Radicalization in America" hearings, yer old pal Jerky was reminded of just how much he hates this verminous toad-like freak. The fact of the matter is that Peter King poses a far greater threat to the Republic than any Muslim living in America today. Don't believe me? Watch this video:
- What possible motivation could be behind the creepy, Bush-lite Stephen Harper Government's decision to scrap Canada's long-form census questionnaire and replace it with a "voluntary" version - a move that prompted outrage among policy-makers all over the country, even leading to the resignation of Canada's Chief Statistician? The benefits of the document's long-form version are many. Having a richer data pool allows those who craft national policy to base their decisions on sound statistical indicators, according to rational and scientific principles. As far as most "movement conservatives" are concerned - and Canadian Prime Minister Harper is definitely a member of that breed - this would probably be enough to make them want to get rid of it. The conservative Canadian Fraser Institute think tank, for instance, thinks getting rid of the long form is a swell idea. Conservatives prefer anecdote over fact any day of the week, after all. However, appealing to egg-head technocrats isn't the long form's only sin. It is also guilty of revealing that Canada is rapidly losing its religion, with more and more of her citizens claiming no religious affiliation whatsoever. And for Harper - a social conservative anti-choice demagogue member of the evangelical Christian and Missionary Alliance sect - that probably sealed the long form's fate. Now, Harper's scandal-plagued minority government is facing another election... something like it's fourth in six years, if I recall correctly. To all my Canuck friends, I implore you... IT'S TIME TO FLUSH THIS TURD!!!
GRAMMY WINNING PIANIST VICTIM OF ELABORATE CONSPIRACY FRAUD
It all started in August of 2004, when Grammy-winning composer and classical pianist Roger Davidson discovered a virus on his computer. Fearing it might wipe out decades' worth of compositions and recordings, Davidson dropped his computer off at a Westchester computer and specialty IT services store called Datalink, owned and operated by Indian immigrant Vikram Bedi and his Icelandic girlfriend, Helga Invarsdottir.
When Davidson returned to pick up his de-bugged computer, Bedi told him that he had never before encountered such a vicious and difficult piece of malware. According to Bedi, Davidson's computer was so badly infected, so incredibly contagious, that simply plugging it in had led to every other computer at Datalink being infected! Furthermore, Bedi said he'd researched the origins of the virus and he'd tracked it to a hacker enclave in Hondouras. Fortunately for Davidson, Bedi had an uncle in Indian intelligence who was willing to travel to Honduras and investigate... for a substantial fee, of course.
Davidson was intrigued. Why had he been targeted? He also had money to burn, being the heir to a multi-million dollar trust fund set up by his great-grandfather, the founder of Schlumberger, a Fortune 500 oil-field services company. He agreed to fund a hands-on investigation, if only to get some answers.
Those answers came, but Davidson wasn't going to like them. According to Bedi, the virus attack was only the beginning. It turns out Davidson had been targeted for assassination by Opus Dei, a hard-core Roman Catholic secret society.
Not pausing to wonder why an order of right-wing priests should be out to get him - perhaps he assumed they didn't approve of the ecumenical nature of his Society for Universal Sacred Music - Davidson immediately went into panic mode. Fortunately, Bedi was well equipped to calm his fears, because aside from being a computer security specialist, he also happened to be an operative for the Central Intelligence Agency! Even better, he was also currently involved in a Top Secret CIA "op" to keep Opus Dei from infiltrating the highest levels of American government!
What an incredibly fortuitous coincidence! Davidson jumped at the chance to have his computers, himself, and his entire family protected from Opus Dei by this real live agent from the CIA!
Of course, round-the-clock protection doesn't come cheap. Bedi charged Davidson $160,000 each and every month for his services. This went on for just under six years. When added to the amount Davidson paid for the initial Honduras investigation and other incidental fees - for instance, the tuxedo Bedi wore while hulking behind Davidson in full-on "pretend bodyguard" mode in the video, below - investigators figure Bedi ultimately took Davidson for roughly 20 MILLION dollars.
Within months of their first encounter at Datalink, Bedi and his girlfriend, Helga, had insinuated themselves into every aspect of Davidson's life. Davidson put the duo in charge of his Universal Sacred Music Society. He also made Bedi a co-trustee of his 60 million dollar fortune, believing that someone so tied in to the mechanics of America's intelligence power elite would surely make wise investment decisions.
As you can probably guess, that was the beginning of the end. Within a few years, Bedi had managed to lose nearly $13 million of Davidson's fortune on bad investments. By August of 2010, the local police got involved when new neighbors of Davidson's complained that someone had planted GPS tracking devices on their family vehicles. It turns out Bedi had told Davidson the family was actually a group of Opus Dei assassins, the latest twist in their nefarious plot to end his life. A doubtful Davidson told the police he had planted the GPS devices himself in a misguided attempt to confirm or debunk Bedi's assertions.
As soon as the police cracked a window into Bedi's byzantine conspiracy construct, the whole thing came tumbling down like a kooky house of cards. Police swooped in on Bedi and Invarsdottir just as they were about to high-tail it to Iceland, where Helga's pop is a prominent businessman. At the time of their arrest, the dastardly duo had almost $8 million in the bank, several expensive cars, the deeds to many of Davidson's properties, and $150,000 in cash stuffed under the bed in the master bedroom of their gorgeous Westchester home.
Bedi, of course, offers an alternate explanation. According to him, HE is the victim in all this, and all that conspiracy hoo-hah was Davidson's creation. The TRUTH is that Davidson - who also, according to Bedi, had amassed tons of pornography on his hard-drive - was trying to surreptitiously sneak $400 million into the country from a Liechtenstein bank without paying any taxes on it. He was also under the impression that the French and US governments were spying on his computers in an effort to get back 60 years worth of unpaid taxes. That's why he hired Bedi. Topping it all off, Bedi claims Davidson made repeated sexual advances on Invarsdottir, claiming it was his natural right as a "high-born" person. All that money? It was just what Davidson felt Bedi was owed for recovering 30 years' worth of music from a damaged hard-drive. Oh, and there was also a $2 million gift that Davidson had given the couple, just because Davidson was "generous" and he "liked" them.
Of course, elsewhere, Bedi has also claimed that he "invented the world's first Pentium-based computer laptop", and that he's best buds with both George W. Bush and Vladimir Putin. So, you know... caveat emptor and all that jazz.
As F. Scott Fitzgerald's old truism goes, "the rich are different than you and me." That's why yer old pal Jerky assumes that Davidson was far more upset by Bedi and Invarsdottir's betrayal of his trust than he was by their pillaging of his loot. Regardless, all you trust-fund billionaires out there reading this should take Davidson's lesson to heart: Just because you're worth a bunch of money, that doesn't necessarily mean Opus Dei is out to get you. M'kay?
A $20,000 donation to the Democratic Party doesn't get you what it used to!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"It is rather telling that what Douglas Copeland read on CBC radio was a piece of fiction about a post-apocalyptic world when some Canadians have already experienced it."
- My old pal and fellow blogger Basil Papademos raises some very good points in this blog about two of Canada's most respected culture vultures... one still living and one long dead.
"Soft and sweet and shaped like a triangle / Some girls are ashamed and they shave it all / That's so wacky, hurts with discomfort / Walking around they look like an eight year old / I say grow that shit like a jungle / Give him something strong to hold onto / Let it fly in the open wind / If it get too bushy, you can trim!"
- Yer old pal Jerky has such a crush on that glorious weirdo Amanda Fucking Palmer. Watch the video to her latest song below...
- My old pal and fellow blogger Basil Papademos raises some very good points in this blog about two of Canada's most respected culture vultures... one still living and one long dead.
***
"Soft and sweet and shaped like a triangle / Some girls are ashamed and they shave it all / That's so wacky, hurts with discomfort / Walking around they look like an eight year old / I say grow that shit like a jungle / Give him something strong to hold onto / Let it fly in the open wind / If it get too bushy, you can trim!"
- Yer old pal Jerky has such a crush on that glorious weirdo Amanda Fucking Palmer. Watch the video to her latest song below...
ATTACK OF THE GIBBERISH-SPEWING MEDIA TITS!
Who - or what - is targeting the world's on-air TV personalities? Is this some emerging syndrome? Something we might call Broadcast Babbling Breakdown? Or is something more sinister afoot? Like, for instance, are we perhaps witnessing the results of some shadowy, behind-the-scenes Dark Agents being naughty by testing out their mind control technologies on live TV?
In recent weeks, a strange phenomenon has been spreading across our television screens. In a variety of different, seemingly unconnected markets, veteran media presenters have gone on the air and dissolved into puddles of bizarre, nonsensical and occasionally disturbing babbling.
The first victim was Serene Branson, a CBS presenter reporting live from the Grammy Awards show. Her descent into gibberish has all the hallmarks of involuntary glossolalia - otherwise known as "Speaking in Tongues." Watch the video of her melt-down and ask yourself if it seems like she's being "slain by the Spirit" to you...
Quite odd, isn't it? According to CBS, Serene has had a history of medical problems that could spark blackouts and seizures, and as far as her doctor is concerned, the above nonsense was simply the result of nothing more exotic than a "migraine with aura". Actually, that sounds pretty exotic to me - and kind of New Age-y, to boot - but I'm no doctor, so what do I know?
The next case that captured the world's attention happened at the Canadian independent Global News channel. Here we see respected political reporter Mark McAllister seemingly running down a list of words he spotted floating in his morning bowl of Alphabits...
Okay, so, after watching this a few times, I can almost see how some might argue that this particular case involves McAllister making one minor mistake while reading the teleprompter, followed by another small mistake, and then another, and another, until the whole damn thing snowballs, cascading into an absolutely catastrophic loss of composure. We all get scrambled brains on occasion, and it is not beyond the realm of possibility that this is what happened here.
However, when you stop and compare the behavior exhibited by McAllister and Branson with the popular descriptions of how microwave mind control technology is alleged to function - by invasively forcing unwanted images, words and concepts into your consciousness, crowding out your rational thoughts and replacing them with static and garbage - it gives one pause.
Which brings us to another week, in another country, and another on-air breakdown. What are we to make of this video, featuring a German weather-woman who starts laughing, and then seems totally incapable of pulling herself together? Watch...
What the hell was so funny, lady? Have you seen that guy naked before and there's something you're dying to tell us about him? I mean, we've all had laughing jags, but come on! Once again, this behavior seems exaggerated beyond all sense of proportion, perhaps even... enhanced?
What's this? Hold on a minute, ladies and gentlemen... I'm being handed a breaking story... oh, wow.
This just in, folks: They got Judge Judy! Sadly, this is one case that didn't happen on live TV, so we don't have any video of the incident... not yet, anyway. Which is probably just as well, because the sound of that screeching harridan's voice is often all it takes to send yer old pal Jerky into spastic fits of uncontrolled hysteria, himself.
Summing up, is it too early to be alarmed by this? Or are those whom we deride as paranoid conspiracy nuts actually on to something when they bring up the possibility of mind control technologies being involved? After all, the Nazi/US government program known as MK-Ultra was eventually proven to be 100 percent fact, after decades of being mocked as the worst kind of goofiness. So, what'll it be? Should we consider making tinfoil hats the next big fashion trend? Or are those of us who find something odd about this new phenomenon just malingering fatuous blizzard in the toothy septuagenarian ishkabibble snow-cone Beelzebub C'thulhu R'lyeh F'taghn?
You be the judge, dear reader... you be the judge.
WHY YOU SHOULD STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT!
Damnit! I wanted to write a story about the rash of on-air gibberish melt-downs that have taken place over the last couple months, and now I see that frickin' asshat Drudge has linked to a story about it. I could have beat these bastards to the punch and had a scoop! Maybe Drudge even would have linked to Useless Eater! Or even just linked to a story that linked to UEB. Ah, I guess there's no point getting upset over spilled scoop... I'll have more on this story later, regardless.
JOKES OF THE DAY
Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal David Andrews, and it's our first new political joke. From the set-up, I'd say it's an oldie that's been re-purposed, but to be honest, it was new to me... and when it comes to jokes, yer old pal Jerky out-un-stumps Jackie the Jokeman Martling!
A man walked into the State office and spoke to the receptionist. "I would like to put my name forward for the next elections to be Governor of Florida."
The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form."
He filled in the form until he came to the question, 'Are you circumcised?'
So he asked the receptionist, "Is that question necessary?"
She replied, "It's new, but if you're circumcised you're not eligible."
He asked, "What difference would it make if I was circumcised?"
She replied, "To become the Governor, you have to be a complete prick."
A boy asks his granny: "Hey, Gran! Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD!"
To which granny replies: "Forget them pills, boy! Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?"
The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?"
The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black."
A man walked into the State office and spoke to the receptionist. "I would like to put my name forward for the next elections to be Governor of Florida."
The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form."
He filled in the form until he came to the question, 'Are you circumcised?'
So he asked the receptionist, "Is that question necessary?"
She replied, "It's new, but if you're circumcised you're not eligible."
He asked, "What difference would it make if I was circumcised?"
She replied, "To become the Governor, you have to be a complete prick."
***
Today's second joke comes from Jim Manicke, and no, I do NOT want a hickey from Manicke, even though I do believe that is how that name is pronounced.
A boy asks his granny: "Hey, Gran! Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD!"
To which granny replies: "Forget them pills, boy! Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
***
Today's Worst Joke comes to us from our old pal Oze Parrot - and dang it feels good typing out the Old Names! - and anyway, I'm sure he won't mind if I put this one here, cuz it is kind of racist... though cute in its own way.
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?"
The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?"
The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)