BEN SHAPIRO TORN APART LIKE A LOAF OF BREAD BY FACTS AND REALITY!!!

ONE DEMOCRAT WHO'S GOT A REASON TO LOOK FORWARD TO THE INAUGURATION

a guest editorial by A.C. Doyle

Shine on me sunshine, walk with me world, it’s a skippidy-doo-dah day,

I’m the happiest girl, in the whole U.S.A.

Donna Fargo sang that in March of 1972. Forty-five years later, at about 9:15 AM EST, on Friday, January 20th, there’ll be another young American woman feeling that exact same way. Her name is Malia Ann Obama.

She’ll be in the middle of her “Gap Year”. And nobody will care. Bill O’Reilly won’t take her to task for being a lazy no-account monkey child. Sean Hannity won’t make fun of her muscular arms. Rush Limbaugh won’t call her a slut who should be holding an aspirin between her slutty knees to keep them slutty shut. Ann Coulter won’t call her ugly. And Glenn Beck won’t complain that her donated dress cost the mythical taxpayer $20,000.

And then she’ll matriculate at Harvard, when the leaves start to turn. Her uncle Craig was the coach of Division I Oregon State, and taught her some nifty footwork in the paint. She might play varsity hoops as a freshman. She’s also a talented tennis player, volleyballer, and dancer. With both English and Math SATs north of 700. By way of comparison, Dubya got into Yale with under 1100 combined, and Al Gore got into Harvard by barely breaking 1100. So any whisper of her not deserving her admission is flat-out racism, and nothing but. This young woman could kick Tricia Nixon’s, Amy Carter’s, Chelsea Clinton’s, and Caroline Kennedy’s ass, from court to classroom!

And give Jenna and Barbara Bush some substance abuse counseling. Which segues us nicely to cocaine and abortions.

Has there ever been a teenage girl under such scrutiny? Not since Joan of Arc, perhaps, or Miley Cyrus.  In this age of social media, with privacy-negating services like Instagram and SnapChat, the President's many detractors have had eight years to "catch" Malia. 

Doing a bonghit, sipping a beer, smoking a Newport, kissing a white boy, kissing a black boy, heaven forefend kissing a Latino boy, barfing, having a snooger in her nostril, squatting to pee, putting on deodorant, showing camel-toe through her dance leotard, having sweat stains on her armpits, chewing with her mouth open, falling on a patch of ice, having melted ice cream on her chin that looks like sperm, being six pounds overweight, having zits, saying something catty under her breath, saying “niggah”, dancing to a vulgar rap song, bossing her roommate around, losing at chess – seriously, you name it. The slightest indiscretion or embarrassing moment would have been splashed all over the Internet, with 18 million views and 35,000 virulently racist comments, in a busy eight or ten hours.

And what has the press chosen to pounce on?

Well, you all must remember that terrible scandal when her class at Sidwell Friends Academy had a trip to Mexico. Yes, THAT Mexico. The one to our south. By law, Secret Service agents had to accompany her, and they did. And do you know what happened? Someone had to pay their salary while they were doing their job. And the Unites States government did just that. Shocking, I know.

And then some designers donated dresses to Malia. For state events. They were proud to do so, and she looked lovely. And no taxpayer paid one ten thousandth of a cent. But it was still a scandal, and the Obama family were clearly freeloading on poor Ralph Lauren or Donna Karan.

And? And??? AND?!?!?!?!?!?!? 

Crickets. The teenage girl went to Mexico once, and she wore some pretty dresses now and again. That’s the very worst that the rabid FOX Media Machine and its even loonier satellites--like Breitbart, Newsmax, WND and The Blaze--were able to come up with. Over eight years.

So, quick show of hands, who wants their kids to be more like Malia Obama? As opposed to…ohhh… let's say, Eric Trump? Although I must say, spending the majority of the funds raised by your "cancer charity" to boost your Dad’s failing businesses is truly an impressive display of generosity. Filial piety writ large.

But as of Friday night, January 20th, 2017, Malia Ann Obama can go get herself a 'scrip for the Pill, make out with a handsome Mexican boy, spark up a fat doober and take a few swigs of Jack Daniels, dance crotch to crotch, offer up opinions as to why white people suck, say "fuck" and "shit" and tell a few racy jokes, elbow the young woman guarding her on the basketball court, blast Kanye or Jay-Z on her stereo, wear something cut low, or too tight, or just really comfortable and frumpy, and just be a fun smart strong beautiful young woman.

And if L’Oreal or CoverGirl wants to give her a million-dollar contract, it will be the best million they ever spent.

I’m happy for her. 

Malia Obama, when seen in its proper context, this inauguration will be tailor-made, just for you. Enjoy it, and all the new freedom you'll have.

***

A.C. Doyle is a raconteur, bistro cook, travel writer, epidemiologist, and erstwhile healthcare technology guru. Born into a sprawling Irish family in New England's toughest city, the boxing Mecca of Brockton. MA, where the police deal the best cocaine and the high school installed the county's first metal detectors, he snuck off to the country's toniest educational institutions, where he developed a deep abiding fear of trust funds and Episcopalians. He has traveled to over eighty countries, been jailed for smuggling at the Texas border, expelled from the country of Belgium, and currently works in a bistro 8500 feet up in La Sierra Gorda. The common thread running through his many failed romances is his annoying behavior. He currently serves as catnip for fat, mustachioed, middle-aged women on Mexican Match.com. He also gets along well with children, dogs, drunkards, and fools.

DDD EXECUTIVE SUMMARY JAN/07/2017

THE MAIN EVENT

• The Electoral College has now finally made it officially, officially, official: Donald Trump "won" the election. When a small number of Democratic House Members, in response to a scathing bipartisan investigation that found at least 50 Trump electors voted illegally, attempted to enter their objections into the public record, the Republicans cut off their microphones. Expect a lot more of this.
• You should also expect a lot more things like what happened after Trump's intel briefing on Friday about how Russia helped get him elected. After spending most of this week crowing that he knew something others didn't, now the only thing he wants to know is how come somebody at NBC might have known something he didn't know before he even got a chance to know it! It's all so confusing... only it's not. It's actually really fucking simple. And obvious. And potentially catastrophic. Also, see our Quote of the Day for more irresponsible speculation on my part.
• A US military veteran apparently opened fire at an airport in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, killing five and wounding eight before being shot, then taken alive, by police. Others were wounded in the ensuing chaos, which lasted for hours. Not to be dismissive or cynical or anything but to be perfectly honest? Big fuckin' whoop.
• Apparently Americans are going to have to pay for "that fucking wall" after all. 

A DEEPER DIVE

• We had a brief DDD update earlier today about how Julian Assange and WikiLeaks have revealed themselves to be utterly lacking in both credibility and honor when it comes to Trump and Putin.
• By the way, the Russia/WikiLeaks connection began long before the 2016 election,
• Conservatism as Serious Mental Illness, Exhibit #534,510: Dan Close, the Dewey, Oklahoma high school history teacher who has spent the last few years publicly calling for a genocide against Muslims, spouting and inciting hatred against LGBTQ people and damning them to Hell, alleging President Obama is a secret Muslim, and accusing First Lady Michelle Obama of secretly being a man in drag. Yeah, I know... "shaming culture" can have shitty unintended consequences. But surely everyone can agree that someone publicly professing beliefs like these should not be allowed to teach history to children? Click on the link and look in his eyes. This fucker is a danger to himself and others, PERIOD.

***

A SINGLE CONTRAST CAN REVEAL A LOT ABOUT CHARACTER

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SUGGESTED READINGS

1. I won't even pretend to understand most of what Paul Schmelzing says about how bond market trends might indicate a looming fiscal disaster in his essay, Venetians, Volcker, and Value-At-Risk: 88 Years of Bond Market Reversals, but some very smart people tell me it's pretty great, and maybe important. So yer old pal Jerky is going to take their word for it, and pass the savi- I mean the wisdom, along to you!

2. In case you weren't sufficiently disgusted by all of the above, here's a heart-warming little piece of investigative journalism looking into the increasingly popular practice of locking up the children of parents who are financially incapable of paying fines levied against them in the juvenile court system. Yes, that's right... America now has debtor's prison. For kids. SMHFMLSPSMITGDF.

3. Our old pal Keith Olbermann has a calm, collected, measured message for any of his fellow American citizens who may have cast their vote for Trump for some reason, and it's about what it feels like to realize when you're wrong about someone, and what it takes to prepare for that eventuality. It's actually kind of thoughtful and nice.

***
QUOTE OF THE DAY

"While Russia, China, other countries, outside groups and people are consistently trying to break through the cyber infrastructure of our governmental institutions, businesses and organizations including the Democratic National Committee, there was absolutely no effect on the outcome of the election including the fact that there was no tampering whatsoever with voting machines."

- This part of Donald Trump's reaction to Friday's intel briefing feels like the part in the movie where everybody slowly looks at each other, their eyes growing wide, as someone says out loud what everyone is already thinking: "Hold on... WE never said anything about voting machines..." And Trump, realizing what he's just done, stands frozen with an invisible cock in his mouth--as he is oft wont to do--praying nobody starts looking too closely at recent financial transactions made by certain election supervisors working in Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Florida, and North Carolina this past November.

DDD EXTRAS

If you want to learn about some cool and/or weird things that happened on this day in history, whether it's on Friday the 6th, Saturday the 7th or Sunday the 8th of January, check out our sister-site, Useless Eater Blog. 

THE TAKEAWAY

The shit is flying fast and thick right now in this, the lead-up to what may ultimately prove to be the most disastrous work-week in modern American history. It's getting very tough to stay on top of everything.

PS - Send any messages, requests for advice, hate mail and other stuff to jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com. I'll be reinstating ASK JERKY and the FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE in the next few days.

EPIC TWEET STORM BY @THERICKWILSON

As one of the few non-Trumpnik Republicans left standing alongside the increasingly impressive Evan McMullin, media wonk Rick Wilson took to Twitter yesterday to promote his latest story for The Daily Beast and to call out Trump loyalists and Russian trolls (both witting and unwitting) for what appears to be a complete lack of political consistency, historical perspective, concern for the possible consequences, or sense of shame. It's short, but all the more effective for its succinctness.

Take it away, Rick!

1. In the course of the 2016 campaign I don't know how many times I was called a traitor to America for not supporting Trump.
2. Of course, these intellectual giants never bothered to understand the specific definition of treason. All opposition to Trump was treason
3. What's closer to treason? Political opposition to a candidate, or siding with a hostile foreign power in the Intel war?
4. Make no mistake; Trump and his lackeys, ball-washers and toadies today clearly demonstrated their allegiance is to Putin.
5. This wasn't Obama playing a game. This was him responding to the IC's rising certainty and fury at the extent of Russia's meddling.
6. Trump is getting sworn in. He's going to be President. If you are more concerned that his wittle feels are hurt that the truth of...
7. RUS intel services and leadership wanted Trump, hacked to help Trump, and have deep ties to him and his team then you're the ones...
8. flirting with disloyalty to the security of this country well beyond a political disagreement.
9. You believe in absurd, baroque conspiracy horseshit like Pizzagate, but can't conceive RUS leaders could seek to disrupt an election?
10. You buy into the wildest, darkest, lunatic theories ("Hillary is a pedophile cannibal!") but ignore the conclusions of the ENTIRE IC.
11. You're accepting an ongoing, state-sponsored set of attacks on Americans, American institutions and American security because...
12. ...you don't want Trump's presidency to have an asterisk next to it, like a ball player with a home run count fueled by steroids and HGH
13. Tough. It's already there. So here's my question for Trump defenders; how much RUS intervention in our elections is ok with you?

Oh, just FYI, "IC" means "Intelligence Community". Follow Rick (and Evan) on Twitter via the links above for an intriguing, "adult" conservative perspective on the tragedies of 2016, which are certain to leak all over the next few years, like a gutshot buck trailing its innards on the far side of the river, waiting on death to claim it in the cold dark night.

SUGGESTED READING LIST ~ NOV 7, 2016

1. The Rude Pundit has published his Final Word about tomorrow's election day, and wow... it's a fuckin' doozy. Entitled "Last Note to Trump Voters: You Are Wrong and You Are Shit and Your Candidate Is Shit", it begins:

If you want to waste some time in sad bemusement, you can read recent columns by open-hearted progressives and depressed conservatives, desperately trying to convince voters for Republican candidate and human whoopee cushion Donald Trump to change their minds. In the Washington Post, for instance, former Bush speechwriter Michael Gerson begs like a bitch, "In the end, a Trump victory would normalize the belief that the structures of self-government are unequal to the crisis of our time." Over in the New York Times, Thomas Friedman reaches out his friend hand to the Trumpsters: "I understand why many Trump supporters have lost faith in Washington and want to just 'shake things up.'" But, Friedman assures them, Trump's "policies won’t help them. Trump promises to bring their jobs back. But most of their jobs didn’t go to a Mexican. They went to a microchip." It's so kind of them to try to help their fellow Americans make such an important decision. 

However, none of these rational editorials rationally laying out how irrational a vote for Trump is even approach understanding the Trump voter. They miss one big goddamn thing: The very things they think should convince sane people to turn against Trump are the very things that Trump voters love about their orange cult leader. You aren't dealing with anyone with reasonable intelligence or the ability to process logic, so stop trying. Trump voters are shit humans, so obviously they want a shit human for president. And your oh-so-good points about how terrible Trump is are wasted on such shit.

Gorsh, Rudy! Why doncha tell us how you REALLY feel?! A-hyuck!

2. A couple weeks ago, I came home to find that every apartment in my building had been visited by the "Your Ward News" fairy... you know, the supernatural being who flits around the city, hand-delivering free copies of the most batshit insane publication in the history of printed media? "Hoorah!" I thought to myself as I scanned its bonkers pages filled with the most over the top racist, sexist, anti-Semitic drivel this side of Der Stürmer! "Just the thing to while away those otherwise wasted minutes on the shitter!"

So... what modern day Julius Streicher is responsible for this tabloid, which could serve as Exhibit B by anyone wishing to make a case that the Western World is undergoing an acute mental health crisis*? Why, it's none other than Dr. James Sears, mild-manered alter-ego to notorious Canadian Pick Up Artist Dimitri the Lover!

Look, I know it's all a lot of weirdness to absorb in one go. Just trust me that, if you're one of the growing minority of people who've come to realize that the allegedly resurgent Far Right has already reached Peak Pathetic, Your Ward News will provide lulz aplenty! It quite literally argues against its own political stance via reductio ad absurdum. And the best part is... one issue is all you'll ever need! I realize nothing beats the sleazy realism of dirty newsprint rubbing off on your fingertips, but you cheapos can download a free copy now, from their website. Remember, this stuff is ideological dynamite, so handle with care!

3. And what better way to end this Suggested Reading List than with a flurry of sad, disturbing, and yet still somehow lovely cartoons? Enjoy.

* Exhibit A is the Trump ascendancy.