Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Another Awesome Guest Post by Our Old Pal Basil!

Out driving with Suzie and Opium again. Suzie comes out of the john’s house at just past 7 a.m. in some fog-shrouded brand spanking new sub-division north of Richmond Hill. Last call of the night. The mark had originally called for a half hour but Suzie’s a hustler, a trooper, a goddamn machine. She wrung two hours out of him - $300 for “two hours of sucking limp dick with the guy’s balls on my forehead.”

Like every other case who spends the whole night doing blow and boozing, he getsmentally horny as hell but his body’s numbed out, can’t get hard - not actually hard, making it very difficult or impossible to come. He believes he’s potent - a studmaster, a beast - but his dick won’t behave, the condom keeps slipping off. He ends up verging on a coronary, huffing and puffing and humping away but nothing doing and Suzie’s “worried about getting lockjaw.”

Earlier, Opium had done a dreaded “young guy.” Good looking, nice body, the shaved head and requisite tattoos but like most “young guys” had something to prove. I’m gonna show you what a real fuck is. Jesus.
In better times she wouldn't do young guys, the idiot instantly slamming away for all he’s worth, wanting to hear her scream. So she screams. Yells her lungs out about how fucking huge he is and I can’t take anymore and you’ve made me come like I’ve never come before and I’d love to stay all night and do it for free but the hitmen who run this heavily mobbed-up agency want every dollar or they’ll kill us both if you don’t pay full freight. So the “young guy” is happy and gives her an extra fifty bucks.

Then we get a call somewhere in the semi-shitty bowels of east end Scarborough. It’s a low-rise apartment building. I watch from the car as Suzie goes to the doors and what appears to be a little kid comes to open up. I’m thinking, what - the father is degenerate enough to send down his kid?
Suzie looks back at us like what the hell? but the little feller’s smiling and glad and she goes with him. A few minutes later I get her text. Ok. Half hr.
Fifteen minutes later she’s back in the car, laughing her ass off. She shakes her head, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“That was just too fucking sad.”
“That was him, the john.”
“That little kid?!”
“He’s not a kid. He’s got some kind of condition, stunted growth. The guy’s like thirty-five years old!”
“Yeah, and he’s got this high voice like: ‘Hi, I’m Bobby, what’s your name?’ Then he looks down all depressed and says ‘I’ve got erectile dysfunction.’
‘That’s too bad, Bobby. How long have you had that?’
‘All my life.’
‘Geez. Tell ya what, Bobby. How about I just play with myself and you can watch.’
He gets all excited and bounces up and down. ‘Really? You’re gonna do that for me?’
‘Sure.’ So I did and he was so happy, grabbing his crotch, breathing hard. I mean, like fucking Wow. So I tell him, okay, gotta fly, Bobby, nice to meet you.’”
Suzie covers her face with her hands, somewhere between laughing and crying a river. “So he says to me… ‘Sorry I couldn’t satisfy you, Suzie.’ Fuck, I wanted to kill us both. It was like, ‘That’s all right, you did fine, Bobby, bless your little heart.’”
Me and Opium just stare at her for a moment.
I feel like killing all of us. “Jesus.”
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
Basil's Personal Blog...

Monday, April 25, 2011


Hey folks! I'll begin updating this place more regularly by the end of the week. I just have some emergency freelance work that I've got to do to keep my ass from getting evicted from my totally shitty apartment. Speaking of which... anybody in the Toronto area have some spare room and wanna put up a fading Internet pseudo-celebrity for a month or two? Hehe... just kidding. Anyhoo, I'll try to put up at LEAST a little something for you once every weekday in the interim, so here's something interesting for you to watch. - YOPJ

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


By Basil Papademos

A few nights ago I was driving for an escort agency. It works like this; You’re assigned two women, you go pick them up in the early evening and then wait for calls to come in. You try to balance the logistics of dropping one off at one call, picking up the other, etc.

A lot of the time we spend sitting around in the car drinking beer, waiting for calls while parked in the godforsaken outlying wasteland of the Toronto sprawl. It wasn’t a particularly busy night - but one of the women, Suzie Q -- the house apes that run the agency come up with these ridiculous names -- she got a 2 hour call at a mid-level hotel across from the Woodbine off-track betting and slots complex out near the Beach. Me and the other woman, Opium, we sat in the car down the street and saw Suzie and her john come out front of the hotel a couple times to have a smoke. When Suzie came over to grab the drugs we’d gone to get her while she’d been in the hotel, she said with exhausted relief: “Gawd, he’s actually a normal guy. He bought me a couple a drinks in the bar and wants to talk and have some fun before we go up to his room. Fuck, I wish more of them were like that.”

The guy had some class. He looked like a retired truck driver who’d won some coin at the off-track across the road and wanted to blow it on a bubbly, leggy blonde. He seemed old school, remembering his manners, unlike a lot of these shitheads who think cuz they’re paying for it, they can act like total assholes, suspicious and grasping, demanding their money’s worth.

Later on the same night, Opium -- who’s petite and child-like but kind of ornery -- she had a call at an upscale townhouse near Yonge and Eglinton. The dispatcher had given me a number and told me to phone the mark when we arrived. The guy didn’t want anybody knocking on the door or yelling shit at his house. Okay...



On this day in 1939Adolf Hitler's 50th birthday is celebrated as a national holiday in Nazi Germany. Six years later, in 1945, Hitler makes his final trip to the surface of the Fuehrerbunker in order to award Iron Crosses to boy soldiers of the Hitler Youth. After returning underground, he would never resurface alive.

On this day in 1968, English C/conservative politician Enoch Powell -- who looks like a Monty Python parody of an English C/conservative politician -- makes his controversial "Rivers of Blood" speech, in which he claims that "in 15 or 20 years time, the black man will have the whip hand over the white man", and that allowing immigration from "colored" lands was like "watching a nation busily engaged in heaping up its own funeral pyre." The following video is a documentary about the speech, its ramifications and legacy.

On this day in 1978, Soviet fighter jets open fire on Korean Air Flight 902, killing two passengers and forcing an emergency landing on a frozen lake. The Soviet government claimed that the plane, which had invaded Soviet airpace, had not replied to requests for indentification, but Korean Air released tapes that showed the pilots had, indeed, identified themselves.

On this day in 1998, the left-wing German terrorist group Red Army Faction, also known as Baader-Meinhof, announces its dissolution after 28 years. Seeing as most of the terrorist attacks attributed to them (and many other left-wing European groups) were actually committed under the aegis of Gladio, a clandestine fascist remnant, they needn't really have bothered. This documentary is a good starting point if you want to understand the truth about the evolution of Western Civilization in the latter half of the 20th century.

On this day in 1999, the Columbine High School massacre occurs when psychopharmaceutically saturated high school nihilists Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold kill 12 classmates and one teacher -- injuring 24 others -- before committing suicide in Jefferson County, Colorado. To this day, eye-witnesses claim there was a third shooter, and compelling evidence supports this assertion.


On April 19, in the year 1961, the USA's clandestine invasion of Cuba ends in spectacular failure when JFK refuses to lend air support to the unapproved covert military action kicked off by CIA-trained Cuban ex-pats who land at the rocky cliffs at Cuba's Bay of Pigs.

On this day in 1971, cult leader Charles Manson is sentenced to die for his role in the Tate/LaBianca murders, which serve as an unofficial demarcation zone for the 1960's.

On this day in 1985 the FBI siege on the compound of the White Supremacist and Christian Identity group known as The Covenant, The Sword, and the Arm of the Lord comes to a non-violent end in Arkansas with the leaders giving up without a fight. Eight years later, in 1993, the same cannot be said of a similar siege, near Waco, Texas, against a similar (though less criminally inclined) group, the Branch Davidians. Eighty-one people perish in that catastrophe. Two years after that, a moving truck parked outside the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City explodes, destroying the building and killing 168 people, including dozens of preschoolers. Meanwhile, in Arkansas, Covenant/Sword/Arm cult-member Richard Wayne Snell is put to death in Arkansas for double-homicide. Snell claimed to have videotaped then-governor Bill Clinton accepting shipments of cocaine at Mena airport in Akransas, and was instrumental in getting Timothy McVeigh involved with the insurrectionist, Apocalyptic Christian Identity commune known as Elohim City

On this day in 1999, The German Bundestag returns to Berlin, the first German parliamentary body to meet there since the Reichstag was dissolved in 1945.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


On April 18 in 1775, the American Revolution, a.k.a. the War of Independence, begins when the British advancement by sea begins, as Paul Revere and other riders warn the countryside of Redcoat troop movements. In 1783 -- eight years later to the day! -- the final few flare-ups of combat come to an end, signaling the final chapter in the American Revolution.

On this day in 1958, a United States federal court rules that American poet Ezra Pound should be released from St. Elizabeths Psychiatric Hospital, the asylum where he'd been held since the end of World War II for making pro-Fascist broadcasts on behalf of Mussolini, among other insults to The Powers That Be. Prior to the First World War and for a short while after it, Pound had been one of the most -- if not the single most -- influential Western intellectual in the Modern tradition. He helped usher in the carreers of everybody from T.S. Eliot and James Joyce to Robert Frost and Ernest Hemingway. Blaming the meatgrinder slaughter of World War I on international capitalism and usury, he devoted his life to seeking out a more equitable monetary system and finding an alternative, more mystical view of life. He thought he'd found the latter in Fascist Italy. He was wrong, with tragic results.

Relating to the above post: Earlier this month, I wrote that I was willing to give Ayn Rand's novels a chance because simply being an awful person doesn't mean one will produce awful literature. In Rand's case, unfortunately, the literature really is almost as awful as the human being who produced it. Pound, on the other hand, is one of those glorious exceptions... a vile man who was capable of producing transcendent, glorious writing. As Hemingway said of his works: "The best of Pound's writing -- and it is in the Cantos -- will last as long as there is any literature."


All good Dirt guest posts need to begin with a shoutout to our Old Pal Jerky, and all our old pals from over the on-again, off-again years of the Daily Dirt. Special cheers to our Old Pal Daddybear – may he make it through all the shit his body is putting him through. Not to mention our pals in post-apocalyptic New Zealand and Japan.

Recently, Jerky posted a rant expressing his frustration with living in a sea of propaganda and how difficult it is to figure out what’s true anymore. One of my passions is exploring media effects. I think most of us would agree that a sense of being overwhelmed by information is indeed a media effect that people didn’t experience through interpersonal communication a thousand years ago to the same extent we experience it through mediated communication by the time we’ve had a morning cup of coffee.

I think back to the classic John E. Smoke by those legends of psychedelia, the Butthole Surfers. I have no idea what the song’s about, but one of the lines is “Upwardly he did evolve.” That line probably means something in its original context, or in the case of many Buttholes songs, it might actually be meaningless. In my head it has snowballed into significance over the years and provides a poetic basis for my perspective on media effects. See, I argue that media technology is not what determines who we are, but that greater forces (the same ones that make us human) send us out to evolve our species, and technology is a byproduct alongside which we co-evolve. The state of the human brain is in a sort of adolescence; as we rewire it with help from media technology, we make it more efficient at processing information. According to evolution theory and all three of the hardcore Christians who believe in it, those with brains better-equipped to process inundations of information will pass their genes into the future and those without will be less likely to influence the trajectory of our species. But I digress...

Sunday, April 17, 2011



On April 16 in the year 73 AD, the Jewish fortress of Masada falls to the Romans after several months of siege... or not. The only thing we really know for sure about this legendary siege and the site on which it is located is that the remains found there -- which were given a state funeral with full military honors by the Israeli government in 1982 -- mostly consisted of (ahem) pig bones.

Despite the fact that George Orwell had used the term Cold War to describe the simmering tensions between Western and Soviet bloc nations on two previous occasions, popular convention has it that the financier, presidential advisor and One World Government proponent Bernard Baruch coined the term on this day in 1947, in a speech given in South Carolina. Google "The Baruch Plan" for some startling and revelatory reading.

On this day in 2007, the deadliest killing spree in modern American history takes place at Virginia Tech, when an apocalyptically awkward South Korean student by the name of Seung-Hui Cho -- or was it someone else? -- guns down 32 and injures another 23 before turning the gun on himself. The fact that his sister works for McNeil/Veritas, a company with deep ties to the American intelligence apparatus, is of no interest whatsoever. And the fact that he went to high school with another "deranged lone nut-job" assassin is just one of those crazy coincidences that so often pop up in events of this nature.


On April 17 in 1969, Sirhan Sirhan is found guilty of assassinating presidential candidate Robert Francis Kennedy. Just as in the assassination of his brother, John Fitzgerald Kennedy, serious doubts and troubling questions remain.


“Oh, come on! Everybody who knows me knows that I am not a racist! It was a joke! I have friends who are black!"

- So protested Marilyn Davenport, a Southern California Teabagger, and member of the central committee of the Orange County Republican Party, when it was revealed that she'd circulated the image above in an email purporting to explain why President Obama has yet to produce a birth certificate... even though he has, again and again, and there's absolutely NO MYSTERY surrounding the location of his birth. You know, with all the incredibly vile and dangerous conspiracies unfolding behind the scenes of American and global government these days, why is it that American right-wingers feel the need to make up such incredibly stupid, bogus and totally irrelevant ones?


------BITS AND PIECES!------

  • Former American Vice President Dick Cheney no longer has a heartbeat. But hold on... before you break out the bubbly and call Party Planners Inc to order the balloons, noise-makers and vanilla frosting for that celebratory bash you and your friends have been planning for years, maybe you should read the whole story...
  • Bodies are piling up in Ivory Coast, which used to be one of the only countries in Africa that it wasn't completely depressing to read about. Now, thanks to some fucked up elections, people in that nation are having to pick sides between some crazy warlord mother-effer named Ouattara and some other crazy warlord mother-effer named Gbagbo. People, pick your warlord! Oh yes, it's always a grand old time on the Dark Continent, ain't it?
  • The South American state of Bolivia has extended 11 "rights" to a pagan-like deity they call Pachamamma, who represents "Mother Nature" or "Mother Earth". Among these rights is included the right "not to be affected by mega-infrastructure and development projects that affect the balance of ecosystems and the local inhabitant communities". How long you wanna bet THAT'S gonna last?
  • Okay, folks, I sincerely apologize for the paltry nature of these latest Dirts, but I'm doing some freelance work to keep my head afloat financially, so I ask you to stick with me in the short term for much better blog entries in the long term! I'm also going to start running some interesting Guest Editorials soon, so keep your eyes peeled for that. And, finally, I know a few of you got back to me about recording an original Daily Dirt Theme Song a few weeks back, but I have yet to hear any recordings! You know who you are, people! Come on! I wanna hear some MUSIC, baby! Let's get this ball rolling!
    -----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

    - Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Django, and it's entitled "Diary of a Blond"...

    January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
    February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Hello! Bottles won't fit in printer!
    March - Got really excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said 2-4 years!
    April - Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!
    May - Tried to make Kool-Aid. Wrong instructions. 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
    June - Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
    July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later, the other swimmers cheated. They used their arms!
    August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm. Car swamped because soft-top was open.
    September - The capital of California is C, isn't it?
    October - Hate M &M's... They are so hard to peel.
    November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days! Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
    December - Couldn't call 911! Duh! There's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

    - Today's second joke was sent in by Juno Fred...

    Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
    So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out all my beer.
    She's such a bitch.

    - Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal N8Possibilities, who knows better. It's a stab at "conservative humor", and by the time you're done reading it, you'll know why the right-wing doesn't really "do" comedy, beyond the unintentional variety shit out by the likes of Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly and the rest.

    Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
    Dan Rather said, 'Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili'. The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
    Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
    The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. Marine tough guy, what is your final wish?'
    'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.
    'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?' 'No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.
    So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
    As the marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?'
    'What?' replied the Marine, 'And have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?'

    -----THEY SAID IT!-----

    "It is not necessary to make thousands of others suffer because police can't be bothered to arrest the ones who are responsible. The police may only take such preventative actions as a last resort catering for situations about to descend into violence. The test of necessity is met only in truly extreme and exceptional cases."

    - Well slap me silly and call me Goofy... an actual, bona-fide court decision that declares mass-arresting hundreds of peaceful protesters for little to no reason is a BAD THING! Truly, this is cause for celebration. I've never felt so safe, secure and free! Hooray for the death of the Police/Surveillance State!

    -----ON THIS DAY!-----

    On April 15 in 1865Abraham Lincoln succumbs to the wound inflicted upon his person the previous evening.

    On this day in 1896, the first Olympic Games of the Modern Era come to a close in Athens, Greece, with a relatively simple closing ceremony. First-place winners didn't win gold medals, but silver ones creepily stamped with the big, staring face of Greek pagan deity Zeus. Second-place winners got copper medals. Third-place got a handshake and a signed, autographed picture of His Royal Majesty Lord Jack Fucking Squat.

    On this day in 1912, two and a half hours after hitting an iceberg, the Titanic sinks in the North Atlantic with 1,517 people still on board. The wreck would not be located until 1985.

    On this day in 1947Jackie Robinson debuts for the Brooklyn Dodgers, breaking baseball's color line, not to mention the brains of, like, a dozen million racist assholes.

    On this day in 1952, a prototype B-52 Stratofortress super-bomber -- known inside the military as the BUFF, which stands for Big Ugly Fat/Fucker/Flying/Fellow, depending on who you ask -- takes off from Boeing Field in Seattle to Larson Air Force Base, Moses Lake, Washington, with test pilot "Tex" Johnston at the controls, and if this brings to mind the movie Dr Strangelove or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb, that's probably not a coincidence. B-52s would circumnavigate Soviet airspace with redundant nuclear payloads for years, refueling in mid-flight, staying up in the air for weeks at a time, until Inter Continental Ballistic Missiles -- with a little help from rocket scientist and dedicated occult practitioner Jack Parsons -- made these flying fortresses obsolete.

    On this day in 1955, milkshake-machine salesman Ray Kroc opens the doors to his first franchise of a McDonald's Brothers restaurant in Des Plaines, Illinois. The McDonald's restaurant chain dates its founding to this day. 

    On this day in 1989, 96 soccer fans die in what authorities describe as a "human crush" during the FA Cup semi final at Hillsborough Stadium.

    On this day in 1989, protesters begin gathering in Tienanmen Square in the People's Republic of China to commemorate the death of the recently ousted and publicly humiliated General Secretary Hu Yaobang, who was relatively liberal and reform-minded by Chinese standards. The protests would grow and intensify until June 4, at which point all Hell broke loose.

    And now for some birthday announcements!

    On April 15, in 1452, Renaissance painter, sculptor, engineer, scientist, mathematician, anatomist, geologist, cartographer, inventor, musician and all-around super-genius Leonardo da Vinci is born. Seventeen years later, in the Punjab, Nanak Dev is born. He will go on to found the Sikh religion and be its first Guru. The dictionary is born on this day in 1755, when Samuel Johnson's A Dictionary of the English Language is first published in London. The General Electric Company is founded on this day in 1892, and since corporations have the same rights as human beings nowadays, I guess it's only fitting that this event be listed as a birthday. In 1920, psychiatrist and humanist Thomas Szasz is born. He later emerges as one of the most eloquent voices speaking out against the mis-use and abuse of science, reason and medicine as a tool for social control. The road atlas was born on this day on 1924, when Rand McNally publishes the first book of its kind. In 1942, Bush Crime Family crony Kenny-Boy Lay is born... Enron ensues. And, finally, on this day in 1970, exactly nine months after his parents consummate their wedding vows while bathed in the flickering glow of a Niagara Falls motel room TV set reporting the stupendous news that two human beings were actually walking on the goddamn Moon... yer old pal Jerky is born.

    -----ASK JERKY!-----

    Dear Jerky; I am recently divorced from my fat, belligerent ParaLegal wife of 20 months. What can I do, short of stalking her, to make her realize that she's made a very poor move? And how do I go about getting my Smith & Wesson back from her seedy clutches? Signed: Irate Hubby

    Dear Irate Hubby; They say that living well is the best revenge. Then again, they also say that revenge is a dish best served cold. So who the hell are THEY, anyway? As far as yer old pal Jerky is concerned, revenge is a dish best served with a side order of fries and gravy. 

    As for "living well", all that really means is replacing your Gonzo Fatso with a sweet young piece of ass, and making damn well sure she gets an aggravating eyeful of your New Girl's pulchritudinous... um... pulchritude.  

    Now, about your firearm. Considering the fact that someone in a household where a gun is present is almost three times as likely to be the victim of a homicide compared to someone living in a gun-free home, the most devious thing you could do is probably just to let her keep the damn thing.


    DOSSIER #001: BILL O'REILLY-----

    In yer old pal Jerky's opinion, Bill O'Reilly is one of the most inscrutable, mysterious players on the contemporary politico-socio-cultural stage. 

    On the one hand, he's clearly a ridiculous ass-clown. He's a thuggish, pompous, preening caricature of a human being; a living illustration of conservatism's warped ideal of manliness. A know-nothing know-it-all, his clumsy lies -- which he mostly spits out off the cuff for fear of having his encyclopaedic ignorance exposed -- crumble under a bare minimum of scrutiny. He's a living paradox; a sexual predator who masquerades as an upstanding moralist, and an arrogant, slander-spewing bully whose own ego is of such crystalline fragility that any criticism directed towards him -- no matter how mild or undeniable -- is grounds for launching all out war.

    In these wars, O'Reilly uses every weapon at his disposal. His prime-time perch on FOX News, his nationally syndicated, three-hour daily radio broadcast, his many books and his various newspaper columns have all served as ordnance in his personal battles against a host of blood enemies, including the dastardly likes of Al Franken, Keith Olbermann, the nation of France, people who say "Season's Greetings" instead of "Merry Christmas", and the very concept of Truth, itself.

    And yet, despite all the times he's been exposed as a liar and a hypocrite, despite every failed frivolous lawsuit, despite every dark threat of physical retribution, despite every time he's come off as an unhinged psychopath on the edge of total mental collapse... there he is, day after day, night after night, occupying acre upon acre of prime real estate on our TV screens, radio airwaves and bookstore shelves.

    The question begged is: WHY?! What possible purpose could it serve to have such a contemptible, shameless buffoon as one of the conservative movement's preeminent media personalities? Nobody with a shred of common sense or a modicum of human dignity takes Bill O'Reilly seriously. They can't, because he won't let them. O'Reilly swallows up all of conservatism's alleged character strengths and vomits them back up as perverse parodies of what they once were. Resoluteness becomes pig-headed obstinacy. Loyalty becomes blind obedience. Stoicism becomes shrill victimhood. Individualism becomes meddlesome pecksniffery. It's almost like FOX News is using O'Reilly as the human equivalent of one of those signs you see at the entrance to carnival rides: "You must be THIS STUPID to believe this shit."

    Maybe that's it. Maybe by being so intolerably awful, O'Reilly and his ilk are helping to winnow the truth-hungry wheat from the unquestioning, herd-like chaff. Studies have shown that FOX News watchers know less about current events than people who don't follow the news at all. This apparent contradiction makes sense only if the purpose of FOX News isn't to inform, but to indoctrinate. And as the house organ of The Powers That Be, that's exactly what they're doing. They're leading by example, providing ready-made role-models for the day -- and if TPTB have their way, that day is coming soon -- when all those mindless, nihilistic couch-potatoes are called upon to serve as the citizen spies, conformity enforcers and concentration camp guards of tomorrow.

    So you'd better get used to Bill O'Reilly's smug, blotchy face, because unless some drastic changes take place, it's the face of your future.

      -----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

      - Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Badshaash...

      Old Mrs Johnson is having her final portrait done by a renowned artist.
      Her instructions to him were; "Paint me wearing huge Diamond Earrings, a Fabulous Pearl Necklace, a Gigantic Ruby Pendant, a Colossal 20 Carat Tennis bracelet and a 20 Carat Emerald ring."
      The artist was surprised and asked "Why?"
      Mrs Johnson replied," My health is failing, I know my Husband's been screwing his young Secretary for a while now and will surely marry her once I'm dead and gone. I want the bitch to go insane looking for this Jewelry."

      - Today's second joke was sent in by Ozborn...

      Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
      The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know... "Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
      The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet."
      The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
      The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know... Double Income, Little Dog Owner."
      They turn to the woman and ask her. "What are you?"
      She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

      - Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal Bald and Bearded Down Under, who ought to be ashamed of himself...

      A man goes to a Doctor complaining of painful urination and a discharge from his penis. The Doctor looks concerned, frightened even and takes a sample to the path lab to be analysed. I sorry to say he says on his return that you have a bad case of GASH.
      My God says the man what the hell is that?
      Well; says the Doc, it is a virulent combination of Gonhorrea, AIDS,Syphilis and Herpes.
      Jesus!! says the man, what's the treatment?
      We lock you in an isolation ward and feed you on a diet of crackers thin pizza and after dinner mints says the Doc.
      Christ!! says the man, does that cure it?
      We don't know says the Doc, but it's all we can fit under the door.

      -----THEY SAID IT!-----

      "You’re a journalist, and we all know journalists make bad politicians. Politicians know how to stick to a message. That’s how they are successful. Journalists think they always have to tell the truth."

      - This blog entry by Canadian libertarian/conservative politician Garth Turner gives us a little glimpse of the incredibly ugly face behind the pharmaceutically serene facade put forth by Canadian Prime Minister Screamin' Stephen Harper, whom Canadians seem to have forgotten is one of the most spiteful, vindictive, petty, thuggish, bullying and downright hate-filled politicians ever to reach the summit of Canada's political landscape. If this asshole ever gets a majority, it's pretty much Game Over for Canadian democracy as we have known it.

      -----ON THIS DAY!-----

      On April 14 in the year 966, pagan ruler Mieszko I of the Polans tribe converts to Christianity after marrying princess Dobrawa of Bohemia, a Christian. This event is considered to be the founding of the Polish state.

      On this day in 1816, a slave named Bussa leads a Spartacist rebellion in Barbados and is killed for his efforts. Bussa is now commemorated as the first national hero of Barbados.

      On this day in 1846, the Donner Party loads up its wagons in Springfield, Illinois, and begins the long trek west, for California. In Colorado, they get caught in a box canyon during a freak early winter storm. Cannibalism ensues.

      On this day in 1865, at roughly 10 PM, President Abraham Lincoln is shot once in the back of the head by popular stage actor, ardent secessionist and Confederate Secret Service agent John Wilkes Booth. Booth was part of a conspiracy of Confederate sympathizers who plotted the simultaneous assassinations of President Lincoln, Secretary of State William Seward and Vice President Andrew Johnson. Booth was the sole co-conspirator to succeed in carrying out his part in the plot. Although Seward was brutally slashed by Lewis Powell, he survived. George Atzerodt, VP Johnson's would-be assassin, lost his nerve and didn't even try. After shooting Lincoln, Booth beat a hasty retreat, but authorities caught up with him just before dawn on April 26. After a brief stand-off, the barn in which Booth was hiding was set on fire, then he was shot in the neck by Sergeant Boston Corbett, contrary to explicit orders that Booth be taken alive. Rumors persist to this day that the man Corbett shot was not Booth. Some believe Lincoln's assassin lived to a ripe old age under an assumed identity in Mexico. By mid-summer of 1865, 8 of Booth's co-conspirators were found guilty of taking part in the assassination plot, and 4 were hanged by the neck until dead.

      On this day in 1909, Armenians living under Ottoman rule in Cilicia experience a small foretaste of what history holds in store for them when Islamic counter-revolutionary forces go on a rampage, massacring between 15 and 30 thousand Armenians for the crime of supporting the region's secular, progressive Young Turk revolutionary movement. Before half a decade would pass, violence against the Christian minority Armenians would become so deadly and ferocious that historians would have to coin a new word to describe it: Genocide.

      On this day in 1912, at 11:40 PM, the RMS Titanic hits an iceberg in the North Atlantic. The ship sinks the following morning, killing 1,517.

      On this day in 1986, President Ronald Reagan orders major bombing raids against Moammar Gadafi's Libya in response to a West Berlin disco bombing that killed two American servicemen. 60 Libyans are killed in the raids, including one of Gadafi's adopted infant sons.

      On this day in 1988, roughly a decade after being tricked into an incredibly costly and morale-sapping invasion and occupation of Afghanistan by Carter administration National Security Advisor Zbigniew "Alphabits" Brzezinski, the Soviet Union signs an agreement pledging to withdraw its troops from Afghanistan during a United Nations ceremony held in Geneva, Switzerland.

      On this day in 2002, two days after a CIA-backed businessman's coup is overturned by an outraged citizenry, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez makes a triumphant and bloodless return to office.

      On this day in 2003, the Human Genome Project announces that it has completed sequencing 99% of the human genome to an accuracy of 99.99%. Let the custom-built New World Order Genocide Pandemics begin!

      -----ASK JERKY!-----

      Hi Jerky, Just read through Daily Dirt today and I have an "ask Jerky" for you. Obviously, without advertising you can't last for long. The last Daily Dirt was sponsored by Porn sites (so it seemed) and others, that don't seem to be here now. Have you become a "wowser" and not asked them "onboard", or is it "harder" to get their sponsorship now? Maybe you should try the "initiators" method and spam it, for both sponsors and receivers. Will the Dirt become a "delivered to your inbox mag" or stay as a log on if you remember item? Signed: Maurie (probably your only Aussie mate)

      "Thanks" for the "Ask Jerky" question, "Maurice"! Actually, you're "correct". The Daily Dirt WAS "sponsored" by "porn" sites in the past. But you see, the thing is, "this" is "not" the "Daily Dirt". It's the "Daily Dirt DIASPORA!" That's kind of a "big difference". Why? Well, because "this" website is totally "independent" of the "previous" one. And although I "loved" writing the "original" site, I'm writing this site purely for love... Know what I mean? So "making money" is absolutely a secondary "concern" for me at this point. As for the Dirt becoming a "delivered to your mailbox" thing, that depends on any number of "factors", including "cost", "effectiveness" and "reader interest". We'll just have to "wait" and "see"! In the meantime, "Cheers!" from yer old "pal" Jerky!

      Thursday, April 14, 2011


      Why is it that we're all supposed to blindly "support the troops" no matter what? 

      Wednesday, April 13, 2011



      Click PLAY on the video below, then keep reading...

      The young man in the video above -- a Tea Party activist who, in this video, is training other would-be Tea Party activists -- represents the new breed of foot-soldier in the Conservative Movementarian War against facts, against reason, against honesty, against decency, against common sense and against fair play. 

      This war is being waged because all of these attributes and factors tend to work against conservative arguments, beliefs and ideals. The young man all but admits as much in this video. So, what do Conservative Movementarians use instead? Simply listing the opposites of the above-mentioned "Enemies of the Conservative Movement" yields intriguing results. 

      Let's see... instead of facts, they've got anecdotes. For instance, say all your arguments for doing away with welfare are proven false by the statistics around the issue. What do you do? Yell loudly about "Cadillac-driving Welfare Queens!!!"

      Instead of reason, they've got blind faith. For instance, can't think of a good rational reason to hate gay people? Well then, just point to those parts in the Bible where GOD says to hate gay people! "It's in the BAH-bull!!! Yew ain't gunnah tell me yew don't buh-leev thuh BAH-bull, are yuh?! It's thuh ruh-veeled WURD o' GAWD!!!"

      Instead of honesty, they've got lies. Ahem... Rush Limbaugh. Bill O'Reilly. Glenn Beck. Case closed.

      Instead of decency, they've got thuggish, bully-boy tactics. It would take a thousand blogs like this one to list just a small fraction of the incidents of conservative violence over the last few decades. And, of course -- just like school-yard bullies and inveterate hypocrites -- they are HUGE whiners, complaining loudly and repeatedly via their community's massive and growing propaganda-spreading media networks whenever someone subjects one of them to the tiniest fraction of the abuse that they heap on their adversaries on a daily basis..

      Instead of common sense, they've got bought-and-paid-for "skeptics"

      Instead of fair play, they cheat. The 2000 presidential election. The 2002 mid-term election. The 2004 presidential election. The 2006 mid-terms. All either stolen outright or subject to rampant Conservative Movement tampering and cheating.

      All of which begs the question... WHY do conservatives do these things? Why do they use these tactics? They do so because, in the fractured model of reality that they've put together in their twisted minds, it is absolutely imperative that they win... at all costs, and by any means necessary. 

      Whether it's by rigging elections, blackmailing political opponents or framing them for crimes they didn't commit. Or, hell, even tampering with brake-lines, small planes, or the minds of easily-manipulated loners who can then be MKUltra'd into committing history-changing assassinations on behalf of the New World Order Powers That Be, using techniques evolved from those of their Third Reich predecessors...

      But these are all topics for another day. For the time being, I would just like for everyone to watch the video above, and then ask yourself if it doesn't explain a few things that have been going on around here, recently...

      -----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

      - Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Dave...

      The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'
      'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'
      'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'
      'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'
      Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. 'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'
      'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'
      'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!'
      Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
      While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
      'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'
      Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'
      'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'
      'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'
      Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. 'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.
      As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
      'What are you doing Sister?'
      'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner'
      'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
      'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'
      'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'
      On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
      'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
      'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.
      The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!'
      The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said...
      'You fuckers are my kind of people!'

      - Today's second joke was sent in by N8Possibilities...

      Housework is supposed to be a woman's job, but one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table was set. She was astonished!
      It turns out that her husband, Ralph, had read an article that said wives who work full-time and also do housework were almost always too tired to have sex. So he decided to do something about it.
      The next day, Jenny told her friends at the office all about it.
      "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed it."
      "But what about afterward?" asked one of her friends.
      "Oh, that. Well... Ralph was too tired!"

      - Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal Zafar...

      A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian, "Excuse me Miss, do ye huv any books on suicide?"
      The librarian looks up and says, "Fuck off! Ye'll no bring it back!"

      -----THEY SAID IT!-----

      "There is a Gold Standard for democracy. In the closest elections, when we have no idea who won because it's so close, what do we do? We hand count the paper ballots in front of the citizenry. In front of the public. In front of the video cameras. So there is no question about who won or lost that election. ... This is the life blood of this nation. If we can't figure out how to run an election in this country, when they walk away, that the winner and loser can both believe that the results are accurate, then we don't have a democracy."
       - A really, truly excellent bit of oratory from our old pal Brad Friedman this week, as he was sitting in for the vacationing Mike Malloy, on the latter's radio show. Brad is one of the most indefatigable voices on behalf of election reform in America, and it's a good thing for us that he's got an excellent radio voice, because I can see him giving Limbaugh, Hannity, O'Reilly and Beck a run for the money in the very near future. You can either read Brad's entire soliloquy in this Bradblog posting, or you can watch the video, right here and now...

      -----ON THIS DAY!-----

      On April 13 in the year 1953 -- in a development that was a direct outgrowth of the American Establishment’s disastrous decision to recruit the elite of the Nazi scientific and intelligence communities in order to prevent the Soviets from scooping them up to use against us in the then-brewing Cold War -- CIA director Allen Dulles launches the mind-control program MKULTRA. According to a recently de-classified CIA document from May 5th, 1955, MKULTRA was devoted to the discovery of the following materials and methods:

      1. Substances which will promote illogical thinking and impulsiveness to the point where the recipient would be discredited in public.

      2. Substances which increase the efficiency of mentation and perception.

      3. Materials which will prevent or counteract the intoxicating effect of alcohol.

      4. Materials which will promote the intoxicating effect of alcohol.

      5. Materials which will produce the signs and symptoms of recognized diseases in a reversible way so that they may be used for malingering, etc.

      6. Materials which will render the indication of hypnosis easier or otherwise enhance its usefulness.

      7. Substances which will enhance the ability of individuals to withstand privation, torture and coercion during interrogation and so-called "brainwashing".

      8. Materials and physical methods which will produce amnesia for events preceding and during their use.

      9. Physical methods of producing shock and confusion over extended periods of time and capable of surreptitious use.

      10. Substances which produce physical disablement such as paralysis of the legs, acute anemia, etc.

      11. Substances which will produce "pure" euphoria with no subsequent let-down.

      12. Substances which alter personality structure in such a way that the tendency of the recipient to become dependent upon another person is enhanced.

      13. A material which will cause mental confusion of such a type that the individual under its influence will find it difficult to maintain a fabrication under questioning.

      14. Substances which will lower the ambition and general working efficiency of men when administered in undetectable amounts.

      15. Substances which will promote weakness or distortion of the eyesight or hearing faculties, preferably without permanent effects.

      16. A knockout pill which can surreptitiously be administered in drinks, food, cigarettes, as an aerosol, etc., which will be safe to use, provide a maximum of amnesia, and be suitable for use by agent types on an ad hoc basis.

      17. A material which can be surreptitiously administered by the above routes and which in very small amounts will make it impossible for a man to perform any physical activity whatever.

      -----ASK JERKY!-----

      Hey Jerky! Have you seen anything about the new movie based on the Ayn Rand novel Atlas Shrugged? It comes out this month.  Signed: Jack Frost

      Hey, Jack! Yes, as a matter of fact, I have heard a little bit about the upcoming movie adaptation of Atlas Shrugged. Judging by the trailer, below -- and taking into account the fact that a) I recognize absolutely nobody from the cast and b) there's an online petition urging "Rand Fans" to contact their local movie house to get them to screen the flick -- it looks like this is probably a low-budget, independent movie. It also looks like the producers decided to split the thousand-plus-page novel into two movies instead of just one, which seems wise.

      Believe it or not, Jack, despite the fact that my disdain for Ayn Rand and her Randroid fans is almost as intense as my disgust at L.Ron Hubbard and Scientologists  -- I am absolutely ready, willing and able to give this movie a chance, purely as a work of cinema. 

      After all, just because you're a scumbag fascist, that doesn't mean you can't produce great works of art... right? I count some absolute, incontrovertible monsters among my favorite stylists of prose and verse. Besides, I'm actually kind of curious to see how modern film-makers will approach the clotted verbiage and clunking metaphors of Rand's novel. Who knows? We might end up with a Mystery Science Theater 3000-worthy classic, like director King Vidor's fucking hilarious 1949 film of Rand's earlier work, The Fountainhead!

      Here's the trailer. What do YOU guys think?


      In this video, lifted from The Daily Show, Lewis Black takes Glenn Beck apart so expertly and so absolutely, it wouldn't surprise yer old pal Jerky if it actually played a role in Fox News finally deciding to ditch this blubbering, self-aggrandizing shit-bag hypocrite asshole. So Black probably did the world a public service... and he was damn funny while doing it, to boot. Watch and enjoy!

      Tuesday, April 12, 2011


      ------BITS AND PIECES!------

      • A really short one for you today, as I'm doing some freelance work to keep from being evicted. Enjoy!
      • Ewww.... chicks with Steve Buscemi eyes! Not a good look... not at all a good look.
      • Anybody out there remember Leisure Suit Larry? Our old pal Mad Tom sure does, and he wants me to let all you guys out there know that the game lives on, even if only as a bunch of Youtube videos! Check out this one to refresh your memory about the days when games required a lot more imagination from their players than they do these days...

      -----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

      - Just one really bad one today, submitted by our old pal Trembly Dale. It sucks.

      Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang.
      He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
      The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
      The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
      The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
      The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights.
      "What can I do?" he pleaded.
      "Not much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

      -----ON THIS DAY!-----

      On April 12 in 1638, the Roman Catholic legal body known as the Inquisition begins its trial of Galileo Galilei. The famed scientist and astronomer was charged on suspicion of heresy, and was ultimately found “vehemently suspect” of holding the opinion that -- contrary to Holy Scripture -- the Sun, and not the Earth, is at the center of the Universe. By the end of his trial, Galileo was sentenced to imprisonment “at the pleasure of the Inquisition”… and a great deal of pleasure did the religious authorities of the day derive from their victory over that arrogant upstart, the scientific method, you can be sure. Galileo’s works were gathered up and destroyed, and further publications were forbidden. He was held under house arrest for the rest of his natural life, during which time he wrote one of his most important works: Two New Sciences. Fortunately, Galileo was allowed a certain degree of freedom during this time, and was allowed to have visitors. Two of these visitors were the world-historic philosophers Thomas “Leviathan” Hobbes and Rene “Cogito Ergo Sum” Descartes.

      On this day in 1861, the first shot of the American Civil War is fired by a Confederate soldier in the general direction of Fort Sumter, in the harbour of Charleston, South Carolina. By the time the last shot of the war is fired, more Americans will have died in that conflict than in World War I, World War II, the Korean Conflict and Vietnam… COMBINED. It was a goddamn bloodbath.

      On this day in 1945, at 3:35 in the afternoon, during the fourth month of his fourth term in office, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt dies of a massive cerebral haemorrhage at the age of 63. His vice president, Harry Truman, assumes the Presidency later that same day.

      On this day in 1961, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin becomes the first human being to travel into outer space and perform the first manned orbital flight. From agrarian peasant feudalism to the loftiest heights of scientific achievement in a mere three generations? Way to go, you communist Rooskie bastards!

      On this day in 1968, the Skull Valley Sheep Kill takes place. A rancher came upon a startling scene when he went to check on his herds of sheep. Six thousand of the fluffy white creatures, which had been grazing peaceably on a piece of property in Utah, all mysteriously and simultaneously dropped dead for some reason. That reason most likely had something to do with their neighbors, the military’s Dugway Proving Ground, where locals had always suspected chemical weapons were tested, despite the government’s absolute and implacable silence on the issue. In fact, government silence on the topic was so complete and so long-lasting that it wasn’t until three DECADES after the incident that a Defense Department report was made public, revealing that OF COURSE the animals were killed by a leak of deadly VX nerve gas, and OF COURSE the military knew all about it, for fuck’s sake. 

      On this day in 1994, the first massive commercial Usenet SPAM message is posted by the husband-and-wife lawyer team of Laurence Canter and Martha Siegel. The couple splash their “Green Card Lottery” SPAM across a grand total of 5,500 Usenet discussion groups, pissing off everyone from Trekkies to Furries to the 7 dedicated members of the alt.binaries.images.sex.fetish.erotica.Gillian-Anderson-head-on-other-womens-bodies newsgroup. And yet… it worked! In a 1994 interview, Canter & Siegel claim to have gained a thousand new clients and earned over a hundred thousand dollars with an ad that cost pennies. Insert your own Christian Bale "Good for you” sound effect, here.

      -----ASK JERKY!-----

      Dear Jerky; Last year I had my already low wage cut about 60 cents an hour, but I didn't even notice it until long after I'd done a routine cleaning out of my old pay stubs. What should I do? (PS - Ya happy now?!) Signed: Malc

      Actually, Malc, seeing as yer old pal Jerky is, himself, in a similar situation, I sure frickin' wish I knew what you should do. Oh, and no, I am NOT happy now.

      Monday, April 11, 2011


      ------BITS AND PIECES!------
      • Did you ever notice how, when you check out a news story to which that egg-sucking freak Matt Drudge has provided a link, the comments section is invariably brimming with a seemingly endless roll-call of vomitous doggerel being spewed by his knuckle-dragging, sub-mongoloid, conservative movementarian cohort? Did you ever notice that? Well, yer old pal Jerky sure has, and I think it's high time we pay this putrid phenomenon its proper due by sticking it with a name. Perhaps when a link has been flooded with faux outrage by Drudge's army of mindless inbred zombie drones, we could say it has been "egged", in honor of the fedora-wearing high-school dropout's penchant for cracking raw eggs all over himself and his same-sex partners as they screw themselves silly atop the pile of payola he's collected from various shadowy fascist groups over the years. I'm open to any and all suggestions on this topic. If you've got a suggestion, please leave it in the comments section below, or email it to me and I'll make a list of the top suggestions. Then we can put it to a vote or something.
      • Photographer/artist Chris Jordan has a website where he showcases the amazing results of his ongoing project in high-resolution photography. Yer old pal Jerky thinks his work is just fucking magnificent. I won't bother explaining it beyond telling you that it deals with consumerism and representations of the critical masses that result from that consumption. It's compelling, thought-provoking stuff.
      • Our old pal Sixlegged writes in to inform me that he went out looking to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but he couldn't find any.
      -----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

      - Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Richard O...

      Down in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. So, Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge -- into the wind he goes!
      Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' bout the good ole days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
      "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
      Paw raises up, "Git my gun, Maw."
      She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim.
      The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
      "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
      "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

      - Today's second joke was sent in by Tucker...

      I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
      Short line... just one person in front of me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.
      He asked the teller, "Why it change? yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
      The teller says, "Fluctuations."
      Furious, the Asian guy replies, "Fluck you white guys, too!"

      - Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal Ben Brockliss, that maggot-gagging bastard...

      A guy goes to the Doctor and says "I've got a problem Doc, everytime I look in the mirror, I get an errection!"
      The Doctor says "That's because you look like a cunt!"

      -----THEY SAID IT!-----

      "The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg. Every American seems to care only about The Sound of Music. The occasional Japanese wants to see Hitler's birthplace in Braunau. But for the British, it's all about Fucking."

      - Honestly, folks, this story isn't about what you're thinking it's about...

      "It's not where you take things from. It's where you take them to."

      - French filmmaker Jean-Luc Goddard has a little something to say about "plagiarism".

      -----ON THIS DAY!-----

      On April 11 in the year 1775, for the last time on European soil, an individual found guilty of the crime of witchcraft is killed in an official, state-sanctioned execution, in Germany.

      On this day in 1868, shogun Tokugawa Yoshinobu surrenders Edo Castle to Imperial forces, marking the end of Japan's shogun era and the beginning of the Meiji Restoration. This development came about partly because, after American Commodore Matthew Perry showed up in Japan accompanied by an impressive fleet of technologically advanced warships, Japanese elites collectively freaked out. They hatched a plan to get rid of the samurai class and the feudal, agrarian system over which they presided and replace it with a more forward-thinking oligarchy, headed up by a hereditary figurehead, the aforementioned Emperor Meiji. In less than half a century, the combination of rapid cultural change, techno-fetishism, the sublimation of a disgruntled samurai remnant and increasingly obsessive Emperor worship would lead to some of the most unfortunate chapters in the history of all mankind.

      On this day in 1876, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks is first organized. They remain one of the leading fraternal orders in the United States, with over one million dues-paying members.

      On this day in 1951, less than four months after its theft from Westminster Abbey by Scottish nationalist university students, the Stone of Scone is discovered hidden beneath the altar of Arbroath Abbey in Scotland. The origins of the so-called "Stone of Destiny", which played a minor role in the recent film The King's Speech, is shrouded in mystery. Some claim that it dates back to Antiquity, or even that it is the legendary "Stone of Jacob", the rock upon which the biblical patriarch was resting his head when he was delivered a "divine revelation" from Jehovah, as detailed in the Book of Genesis. But it's probably just a rock.

      On this day in 1961, the trial of fugitive Nazi technocrat Adolf Eichmann begins in Jerusalem. After World War II, Eichmann had fled to Argentina under an assumed name, where he worked for Mercedes-Benz until he was identified, located, then kidnapped by the Mossad, who brought him to Israel to stand trial for his central role in organizing the Holocaust. He was found guilty and hanged in 1962, the only person ever to be executed in Israel based on the findings of a civilian court.

      On this day 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act into existence, prohibiting discrimination in the sale, rental, and financing of housing to individuals based on their race. At the time, pondering the effect this might have on voters in the formerly Democratic-leaning South, Johnson is said to have said: "We've lost them for a generation." It turns out he was way too optimistic.

      This day in 2001 saw the ignominious conclusion to the Hainan Island Incident, the first real crisis of Preznit Dubya's heart-breaking White House career. On April Fools Day, an American spy plane had to make an emergency landing on a Chinese island after being bumped out of the sky by a Chinese fighter jet. It was on this day, ten days later, that the 24 American crew members were released by the Chinese government, but not before the White House issued a groveling apology, which they preferred to characterize as "an expression of regret and sorrow" over the death of the Chinese driver... I mean pilot. A coincidence of note is that the American aircraft was a Navy EP-3E ARIES II signals intelligence aircraft, and the incident took place while the sun was in the Zodiac House of Aries. Aries is ruled by the planet Mars, God of War.

      And, finally -- last but definitely not least -- on this day in 2002, an attempted coup d'état takes place in Venezuela, resulting in the temporary ouster of President Hugo Chávez. If you relied on Western media to inform you about those infuriating, exasperating, incredibly inspiring days, then you have no idea what happened. I strongly urge you to give your undivided attention to the documentary, The Revolution Will Not Be Televised, embedded below. It's one of the most important documents ever produced in terms of its revelations about the the true nature, focus and direction of American policy towards Latin America. Just watch it. From beginning to end. I'm serious. It will infuriate you.

      -----ASK JERKY!-----

      Hello there, JERKY! I am 23, a guy, go to college in the bay area. I have two room-mates. One of them is a guy and he is a year younger than me. I don't think of myself as a what people call a 'queer' or 'fag'. But I am strongly attracted to my roomate. We really enjoy each other's company and do a lot of things together. The only thing missing is a phsyical relationship and it seems so natural that we should take that next step. He doesnt have a girlfriend and I have never seen him go out on dates with women. There have been moments when I was sure he was thinking the same thing as me but I didnt have the nerve to lean over and kiss him. If he is not gay that is fine too- I respect people's limits. But how can I find out what hes feelng about the situation without freaking him out and driving him to move out? Signed: RAMAR

      Dear RAMAR; no matter what you do, you'll never be able to control his reactions. However, the way I see it, there are only two possible ways of dealing with this situation. The first way is, I think, the best. I call it the "Band-Aid" method (you know how when you take a Band-Aid off quickly it hurts less than if you do it slow?). Just strip buck-naked, walk into his room with your cock in your hand and an inquisitive look on your face. When he turns around, shrug nonchalantly and ask: "Want some?" There will be no ambiguity in his response, I guarantee you that. The second method is the "slow burn." Rent a soft-core European porn video featuring both hetero and homo sex scenes. Watch it with him. During the scenes with chicks, watch his expression. Try to detect any arousal. If he remains stone-faced throughout, wait for the fag scenes, then sneak up behind him and shove your cock in his armpit.
      (PS - This is a repeat from, like, 2002. Do you know why? Because I haven't gotten any requests for ADVICE yet! Hurry up and send me some questions, you ingrates! Send them to jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com... NOW! - YOPJ)