HOW TO MURDER YOUR CHILDREN FOR FUN AND PROFIT, PART 2

Another Awesome Guest Post by Our Old Pal Basil!

Out driving with Suzie and Opium again. Suzie comes out of the john’s house at just past 7 a.m. in some fog-shrouded brand spanking new sub-division north of Richmond Hill. Last call of the night. The mark had originally called for a half hour but Suzie’s a hustler, a trooper, a goddamn machine. She wrung two hours out of him - $300 for “two hours of sucking limp dick with the guy’s balls on my forehead.”

Like every other case who spends the whole night doing blow and boozing, he getsmentally horny as hell but his body’s numbed out, can’t get hard - not actually hard, making it very difficult or impossible to come. He believes he’s potent - a studmaster, a beast - but his dick won’t behave, the condom keeps slipping off. He ends up verging on a coronary, huffing and puffing and humping away but nothing doing and Suzie’s “worried about getting lockjaw.”

Earlier, Opium had done a dreaded “young guy.” Good looking, nice body, the shaved head and requisite tattoos but like most “young guys” had something to prove. I’m gonna show you what a real fuck is. Jesus.

In better times she wouldn't do young guys, the idiot instantly slamming away for all he’s worth, wanting to hear her scream. So she screams. Yells her lungs out about how fucking huge he is and I can’t take anymore and you’ve made me come like I’ve never come before and I’d love to stay all night and do it for free but the hitmen who run this heavily mobbed-up agency want every dollar or they’ll kill us both if you don’t pay full freight. So the “young guy” is happy and gives her an extra fifty bucks.

Then we get a call somewhere in the semi-shitty bowels of east end Scarborough. It’s a low-rise apartment building. I watch from the car as Suzie goes to the doors and what appears to be a little kid comes to open up. I’m thinking, what - the father is degenerate enough to send down his kid?

Suzie looks back at us like what the hell? but the little feller’s smiling and glad and she goes with him. A few minutes later I get her text. Ok. Half hr.

Fifteen minutes later she’s back in the car, laughing her ass off. She shakes her head, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“That was just too fucking sad.”

“What?”

“That was him, the john.”

“That little kid?!”

“He’s not a kid. He’s got some kind of condition, stunted growth. The guy’s like thirty-five years old!”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah, and he’s got this high voice like: ‘Hi, I’m Bobby, what’s your name?’ Then he looks down all depressed and says ‘I’ve got erectile dysfunction.’
‘That’s too bad, Bobby. How long have you had that?’
‘All my life.’
‘Geez. Tell ya what, Bobby. How about I just play with myself and you can watch.’
He gets all excited and bounces up and down. ‘Really? You’re gonna do that for me?’
‘Sure.’ So I did and he was so happy, grabbing his crotch, breathing hard. I mean, like fucking Wow. So I tell him, okay, gotta fly, Bobby, nice to meet you.’”

Suzie covers her face with her hands, somewhere between laughing and crying a river. “So he says to me… ‘Sorry I couldn’t satisfy you, Suzie.’ Fuck, I wanted to kill us both. It was like, ‘That’s all right, you did fine, Bobby, bless your little heart.’”

Me and Opium just stare at her for a moment.

I feel like killing all of us. “Jesus.”

“Yeah. Let’s go.”
Basil's Personal Blog...

SINCERELY SORRY FOR THE LACK OF UPDATES RECENTLY!

Hey folks! I'll begin updating this place more regularly by the end of the week. I just have some emergency freelance work that I've got to do to keep my ass from getting evicted from my totally shitty apartment. Speaking of which... anybody in the Toronto area have some spare room and wanna put up a fading Internet pseudo-celebrity for a month or two? Hehe... just kidding. Anyhoo, I'll try to put up at LEAST a little something for you once every weekday in the interim, so here's something interesting for you to watch. - YOPJ

HALLELUJAH

THE ILLUSION OF INTERNET ACTIVISM - MUST WATCH!

GUEST BLOG - JERKY'S OLD PAL BASIL ALWAYS GETS THE MOST INTERESTING SIDE GIGS!

HOW TO MURDER YOUR CHILDREN FOR FUN + PROFIT

By Basil Papademos

A few nights ago I was driving for an escort agency. It works like this; You’re assigned two women, you go pick them up in the early evening and then wait for calls to come in. You try to balance the logistics of dropping one off at one call, picking up the other, etc.

A lot of the time we spend sitting around in the car drinking beer, waiting for calls while parked in the godforsaken outlying wasteland of the Toronto sprawl. It wasn’t a particularly busy night - but one of the women, Suzie Q -- the house apes that run the agency come up with these ridiculous names -- she got a 2 hour call at a mid-level hotel across from the Woodbine off-track betting and slots complex out near the Beach. Me and the other woman, Opium, we sat in the car down the street and saw Suzie and her john come out front of the hotel a couple times to have a smoke. When Suzie came over to grab the drugs we’d gone to get her while she’d been in the hotel, she said with exhausted relief: “Gawd, he’s actually a normal guy. He bought me a couple a drinks in the bar and wants to talk and have some fun before we go up to his room. Fuck, I wish more of them were like that.”

The guy had some class. He looked like a retired truck driver who’d won some coin at the off-track across the road and wanted to blow it on a bubbly, leggy blonde. He seemed old school, remembering his manners, unlike a lot of these shitheads who think cuz they’re paying for it, they can act like total assholes, suspicious and grasping, demanding their money’s worth.

Later on the same night, Opium -- who’s petite and child-like but kind of ornery -- she had a call at an upscale townhouse near Yonge and Eglinton. The dispatcher had given me a number and told me to phone the mark when we arrived. The guy didn’t want anybody knocking on the door or yelling shit at his house. Okay...

KEEP READING!

SOMETHING IS HAPPENING. SOMETHING IS COMING.

ON THIS DAY, APRIL 20

On this day in 1939, Adolf Hitler's 50th birthday is celebrated as a national holiday in Nazi Germany. Six years later, in 1945, Hitler makes his final trip to the surface of the Fuehrerbunker in order to award Iron Crosses to boy soldiers of the Hitler Youth. After returning underground, he would never resurface alive.

On this day in 1968, English C/conservative politician Enoch Powell -- who looks like a Monty Python parody of an English C/conservative politician -- makes his controversial "Rivers of Blood" speech, in which he claims that "in 15 or 20 years time, the black man will have the whip hand over the white man", and that allowing immigration from "colored" lands was like "watching a nation busily engaged in heaping up its own funeral pyre." The following video is a documentary about the speech, its ramifications and legacy.

On this day in 1978, Soviet fighter jets open fire on Korean Air Flight 902, killing two passengers and forcing an emergency landing on a frozen lake. The Soviet government claimed that the plane, which had invaded Soviet airpace, had not replied to requests for indentification, but Korean Air released tapes that showed the pilots had, indeed, identified themselves.

On this day in 1998, the left-wing German terrorist group Red Army Faction, also known as Baader-Meinhof, announces its dissolution after 28 years. Seeing as most of the terrorist attacks attributed to them (and many other left-wing European groups) were actually committed under the aegis of Gladio, a clandestine fascist remnant, they needn't really have bothered. This documentary is a good starting point if you want to understand the truth about the evolution of Western Civilization in the latter half of the 20th century.

On this day in 1999, the Columbine High School massacre occurs when psychopharmaceutically saturated high school nihilists Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold kill 12 classmates and one teacher -- injuring 24 others -- before committing suicide in Jefferson County, Colorado. To this day, eye-witnesses claim there was a third shooter, and compelling evidence supports this assertion.

ON THIS DAY, APRIL 19

On April 19, in the year 1961, the USA's clandestine invasion of Cuba ends in spectacular failure when JFK refuses to lend air support to the unapproved covert military action kicked off by CIA-trained Cuban ex-pats who land at the rocky cliffs at Cuba's Bay of Pigs.

On this day in 1971, cult leader Charles Manson is sentenced to die for his role in the Tate/LaBianca murders, which serve as an unofficial demarcation zone for the 1960's.

On this day in 1985 the FBI siege on the compound of the White Supremacist and Christian Identity group known as The Covenant, The Sword, and the Arm of the Lord comes to a non-violent end in Arkansas with the leaders giving up without a fight. Eight years later, in 1993, the same cannot be said of a similar siege, near Waco, Texas, against a similar (though less criminally inclined) group, the Branch Davidians. Eighty-one people perish in that catastrophe. Two years after that, a moving truck parked outside the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City explodes, destroying the building and killing 168 people, including dozens of preschoolers. Meanwhile, in Arkansas, Covenant/Sword/Arm cult-member Richard Wayne Snell is put to death in Arkansas for double-homicide. Snell claimed to have videotaped then-governor Bill Clinton accepting shipments of cocaine at Mena airport in Akransas, and was instrumental in getting Timothy McVeigh involved with the insurrectionist, Apocalyptic Christian Identity commune known as Elohim City. 

On this day in 1999, The German Bundestag returns to Berlin, the first German parliamentary body to meet there since the Reichstag was dissolved in 1945.

ON THIS DAY, APRIL 18, 2011

On April 18 in 1775, the American Revolution, a.k.a. the War of Independence, begins when the British advancement by sea begins, as Paul Revere and other riders warn the countryside of Redcoat troop movements. In 1783 -- eight years later to the day! -- the final few flare-ups of combat come to an end, signaling the final chapter in the American Revolution.

On this day in 1958, a United States federal court rules that American poet Ezra Pound should be released from St. Elizabeths Psychiatric Hospital, the asylum where he'd been held since the end of World War II for making pro-Fascist broadcasts on behalf of Mussolini, among other insults to The Powers That Be. Prior to the First World War and for a short while after it, Pound had been one of the most -- if not the single most -- influential Western intellectual in the Modern tradition. He helped usher in the carreers of everybody from T.S. Eliot and James Joyce to Robert Frost and Ernest Hemingway. Blaming the meatgrinder slaughter of World War I on international capitalism and usury, he devoted his life to seeking out a more equitable monetary system and finding an alternative, more mystical view of life. He thought he'd found the latter in Fascist Italy. He was wrong, with tragic results.

Relating to the above post: Earlier this month, I wrote that I was willing to give Ayn Rand's novels a chance because simply being an awful person doesn't mean one will produce awful literature. In Rand's case, unfortunately, the literature really is almost as awful as the human being who produced it. Pound, on the other hand, is one of those glorious exceptions... a vile man who was capable of producing transcendent, glorious writing. As Hemingway said of his works: "The best of Pound's writing -- and it is in the Cantos -- will last as long as there is any literature."

A GUEST POST FROM SIXLEGGED: THE MEDIA IS THE MADNESS

All good Dirt guest posts need to begin with a shoutout to our Old Pal Jerky, and all our old pals from over the on-again, off-again years of the Daily Dirt. Special cheers to our Old Pal Daddybear – may he make it through all the shit his body is putting him through. Not to mention our pals in post-apocalyptic New Zealand and Japan.

Recently, Jerky posted a rant expressing his frustration with living in a sea of propaganda and how difficult it is to figure out what’s true anymore. One of my passions is exploring media effects. I think most of us would agree that a sense of being overwhelmed by information is indeed a media effect that people didn’t experience through interpersonal communication a thousand years ago to the same extent we experience it through mediated communication by the time we’ve had a morning cup of coffee.

I think back to the classic John E. Smoke by those legends of psychedelia, the Butthole Surfers. I have no idea what the song’s about, but one of the lines is “Upwardly he did evolve.” That line probably means something in its original context, or in the case of many Buttholes songs, it might actually be meaningless. In my head it has snowballed into significance over the years and provides a poetic basis for my perspective on media effects. See, I argue that media technology is not what determines who we are, but that greater forces (the same ones that make us human) send us out to evolve our species, and technology is a byproduct alongside which we co-evolve. The state of the human brain is in a sort of adolescence; as we rewire it with help from media technology, we make it more efficient at processing information. According to evolution theory and all three of the hardcore Christians who believe in it, those with brains better-equipped to process inundations of information will pass their genes into the future and those without will be less likely to influence the trajectory of our species. But I digress...

ON THESE DAYS - APRIL 16 AND 17

APRIL 16

On April 16 in the year 73 AD, the Jewish fortress of Masada falls to the Romans after several months of siege... or not. The only thing we really know for sure about this legendary siege and the site on which it is located is that the remains found there -- which were given a state funeral with full military honors by the Israeli government in 1982 -- mostly consisted of (ahem) pig bones.

Despite the fact that George Orwell had used the term Cold War to describe the simmering tensions between Western and Soviet bloc nations on two previous occasions, popular convention has it that the financier, presidential advisor and One World Government proponent Bernard Baruch coined the term on this day in 1947, in a speech given in South Carolina. Google "The Baruch Plan" for some startling and revelatory reading.

On this day in 2007, the deadliest killing spree in modern American history takes place at Virginia Tech, when an apocalyptically awkward South Korean student by the name of Seung-Hui Cho -- or was it someone else? -- guns down 32 and injures another 23 before turning the gun on himself. The fact that his sister works for McNeil/Veritas, a company with deep ties to the American intelligence apparatus, is of no interest whatsoever. And the fact that he went to high school with another "deranged lone nut-job" assassin is just one of those crazy coincidences that so often pop up in events of this nature.

APRIL 17

On April 17 in 1969, Sirhan Sirhan is found guilty of assassinating presidential candidate Robert Francis Kennedy. Just as in the assassination of his brother, John Fitzgerald Kennedy, serious doubts and troubling questions remain.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Oh, come on! Everybody who knows me knows that I am not a racist! It was a joke! I have friends who are black!"

- So protested Marilyn Davenport, a Southern California Teabagger, and member of the central committee of the Orange County Republican Party, when it was revealed that she'd circulated the image above in an email purporting to explain why President Obama has yet to produce a birth certificate... even though he has, again and again, and there's absolutely NO MYSTERY surrounding the location of his birth. You know, with all the incredibly vile and dangerous conspiracies unfolding behind the scenes of American and global government these days, why is it that American right-wingers feel the need to make up such incredibly stupid, bogus and totally irrelevant ones?

DAILY DIRT FOR FRIDAY, APRIL 15, 2011

------BITS AND PIECES!------

• Former American Vice President Dick Cheney no longer has a heartbeat. But hold on... before you break out the bubbly and call Party Planners Inc to order the balloons, noise-makers and vanilla frosting for that celebratory bash you and your friends have been planning for years, maybe you should read the whole story...
• Bodies are piling up in Ivory Coast, which used to be one of the only countries in Africa that it wasn't completely depressing to read about. Now, thanks to some fucked up elections, people in that nation are having to pick sides between some crazy warlord mother-effer named Ouattara and some other crazy warlord mother-effer named Gbagbo. People, pick your warlord! Oh yes, it's always a grand old time on the Dark Continent, ain't it?
• The South American state of Bolivia has extended 11 "rights" to a pagan-like deity they call Pachamamma, who represents "Mother Nature" or "Mother Earth". Among these rights is included the right "not to be affected by mega-infrastructure and development projects that affect the balance of ecosystems and the local inhabitant communities". How long you wanna bet THAT'S gonna last?
• Okay, folks, I sincerely apologize for the paltry nature of these latest Dirts, but I'm doing some freelance work to keep my head afloat financially, so I ask you to stick with me in the short term for much better blog entries in the long term! I'm also going to start running some interesting Guest Editorials soon, so keep your eyes peeled for that. And, finally, I know a few of you got back to me about recording an original Daily Dirt Theme Song a few weeks back, but I have yet to hear any recordings! You know who you are, people! Come on! I wanna hear some MUSIC, baby! Let's get this ball rolling!

-----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

- Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Django, and it's entitled "Diary of a Blond"...

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Hello! Bottles won't fit in printer!
March - Got really excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said 2-4 years!
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid. Wrong instructions. 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June - Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later, the other swimmers cheated. They used their arms!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm. Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is C, isn't it?
October - Hate M &M's... They are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days! Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December - Couldn't call 911! Duh! There's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

- Today's second joke was sent in by Juno Fred...

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out all my beer.
She's such a bitch.

- Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal N8Possibilities, who knows better. It's a stab at "conservative humor", and by the time you're done reading it, you'll know why the right-wing doesn't really "do" comedy, beyond the unintentional variety shit out by the likes of Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly and the rest.

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, 'Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili'. The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. Marine tough guy, what is your final wish?'
'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.
'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?' 'No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?'
'What?' replied the Marine, 'And have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?'

-----THEY SAID IT!-----

"It is not necessary to make thousands of others suffer because police can't be bothered to arrest the ones who are responsible. The police may only take such preventative actions as a last resort catering for situations about to descend into violence. The test of necessity is met only in truly extreme and exceptional cases."

- Well slap me silly and call me Goofy... an actual, bona-fide court decision that declares mass-arresting hundreds of peaceful protesters for little to no reason is a BAD THING! Truly, this is cause for celebration. I've never felt so safe, secure and free! Hooray for the death of the Police/Surveillance State!

-----ON THIS DAY!-----

On April 15 in 1865, Abraham Lincoln succumbs to the wound inflicted upon his person the previous evening.

On this day in 1896, the first Olympic Games of the Modern Era come to a close in Athens, Greece, with a relatively simple closing ceremony. First-place winners didn't win gold medals, but silver ones creepily stamped with the big, staring face of Greek pagan deity Zeus. Second-place winners got copper medals. Third-place got a handshake and a signed, autographed picture of His Royal Majesty Lord Jack Fucking Squat.

On this day in 1912, two and a half hours after hitting an iceberg, the Titanic sinks in the North Atlantic with 1,517 people still on board. The wreck would not be located until 1985.

On this day in 1947, Jackie Robinson debuts for the Brooklyn Dodgers, breaking baseball's color line, not to mention the brains of, like, a dozen million racist assholes.

On this day in 1952, a prototype B-52 Stratofortress super-bomber -- known inside the military as the BUFF, which stands for Big Ugly Fat/Fucker/Flying/Fellow, depending on who you ask -- takes off from Boeing Field in Seattle to Larson Air Force Base, Moses Lake, Washington, with test pilot "Tex" Johnston at the controls, and if this brings to mind the movie Dr Strangelove or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb, that's probably not a coincidence. B-52s would circumnavigate Soviet airspace with redundant nuclear payloads for years, refueling in mid-flight, staying up in the air for weeks at a time, until Inter Continental Ballistic Missiles -- with a little help from rocket scientist and dedicated occult practitioner Jack Parsons -- made these flying fortresses obsolete.

On this day in 1955, milkshake-machine salesman Ray Kroc opens the doors to his first franchise of a McDonald's Brothers restaurant in Des Plaines, Illinois. The McDonald's restaurant chain dates its founding to this day. 

On this day in 1989, 96 soccer fans die in what authorities describe as a "human crush" during the FA Cup semi final at Hillsborough Stadium.

On this day in 1989, protesters begin gathering in Tienanmen Square in the People's Republic of China to commemorate the death of the recently ousted and publicly humiliated General Secretary Hu Yaobang, who was relatively liberal and reform-minded by Chinese standards. The protests would grow and intensify until June 4, at which point all Hell broke loose.

And now for some birthday announcements!

On April 15, in 1452, Renaissance painter, sculptor, engineer, scientist, mathematician, anatomist, geologist, cartographer, inventor, musician and all-around super-genius Leonardo da Vinci is born. Seventeen years later, in the Punjab, Nanak Dev is born. He will go on to found the Sikh religion and be its first Guru. The dictionary is born on this day in 1755, when Samuel Johnson's A Dictionary of the English Language is first published in London. The General Electric Company is founded on this day in 1892, and since corporations have the same rights as human beings nowadays, I guess it's only fitting that this event be listed as a birthday. In 1920, psychiatrist and humanist Thomas Szasz is born. He later emerges as one of the most eloquent voices speaking out against the mis-use and abuse of science, reason and medicine as a tool for social control. The road atlas was born on this day on 1924, when Rand McNally publishes the first book of its kind. In 1942, Bush Crime Family crony Kenny-Boy Lay is born... Enron ensues. And, finally, on this day in 1970, exactly nine months after his parents consummate their wedding vows while bathed in the flickering glow of a Niagara Falls motel room TV set reporting the stupendous news that two human beings were actually walking on the goddamn Moon... yer old pal Jerky is born.

-----ASK JERKY!-----

Dear Jerky; I am recently divorced from my fat, belligerent ParaLegal wife of 20 months. What can I do, short of stalking her, to make her realize that she's made a very poor move? And how do I go about getting my Smith & Wesson back from her seedy clutches? Signed: Irate Hubby

Dear Irate Hubby; They say that living well is the best revenge. Then again, they also say that revenge is a dish best served cold. So who the hell are THEY, anyway? As far as yer old pal Jerky is concerned, revenge is a dish best served with a side order of fries and gravy. 


As for "living well", all that really means is replacing your Gonzo Fatso with a sweet young piece of ass, and making damn well sure she gets an aggravating eyeful of your New Girl's pulchritudinous... um... pulchritude.  


Now, about your firearm. Considering the fact that someone in a household where a gun is present is almost three times as likely to be the victim of a homicide compared to someone living in a gun-free home, the most devious thing you could do is probably just to let her keep the damn thing.

DAILY DIRT FOR THURSDAY, APRIL 14, 2011

-----ENEMIES OF THE REPUBLIC 

DOSSIER #001: BILL O'REILLY-----

In yer old pal Jerky's opinion, Bill O'Reilly is one of the most inscrutable, mysterious players on the contemporary politico-socio-cultural stage. 

On the one hand, he's clearly a ridiculous ass-clown. He's a thuggish, pompous, preening caricature of a human being; a living illustration of conservatism's warped ideal of manliness. A know-nothing know-it-all, his clumsy lies -- which he mostly spits out off the cuff for fear of having his encyclopaedic ignorance exposed -- crumble under a bare minimum of scrutiny. He's a living paradox; a sexual predator who masquerades as an upstanding moralist, and an arrogant, slander-spewing bully whose own ego is of such crystalline fragility that any criticism directed towards him -- no matter how mild or undeniable -- is grounds for launching all out war.

In these wars, O'Reilly uses every weapon at his disposal. His prime-time perch on FOX News, his nationally syndicated, three-hour daily radio broadcast, his many books and his various newspaper columns have all served as ordnance in his personal battles against a host of blood enemies, including the dastardly likes of Al Franken, Keith Olbermann, the nation of France, people who say "Season's Greetings" instead of "Merry Christmas", and the very concept of Truth, itself.

And yet, despite all the times he's been exposed as a liar and a hypocrite, despite every failed frivolous lawsuit, despite every dark threat of physical retribution, despite every time he's come off as an unhinged psychopath on the edge of total mental collapse... there he is, day after day, night after night, occupying acre upon acre of prime real estate on our TV screens, radio airwaves and bookstore shelves.

The question begged is: WHY?! What possible purpose could it serve to have such a contemptible, shameless buffoon as one of the conservative movement's preeminent media personalities? Nobody with a shred of common sense or a modicum of human dignity takes Bill O'Reilly seriously. They can't, because he won't let them. O'Reilly swallows up all of conservatism's alleged character strengths and vomits them back up as perverse parodies of what they once were. Resoluteness becomes pig-headed obstinacy. Loyalty becomes blind obedience. Stoicism becomes shrill victimhood. Individualism becomes meddlesome pecksniffery. It's almost like FOX News is using O'Reilly as the human equivalent of one of those signs you see at the entrance to carnival rides: "You must be THIS STUPID to believe this shit."

Maybe that's it. Maybe by being so intolerably awful, O'Reilly and his ilk are helping to winnow the truth-hungry wheat from the unquestioning, herd-like chaff. Studies have shown that FOX News watchers know less about current events than people who don't follow the news at all. This apparent contradiction makes sense only if the purpose of FOX News isn't to inform, but to indoctrinate. And as the house organ of The Powers That Be, that's exactly what they're doing. They're leading by example, providing ready-made role-models for the day -- and if TPTB have their way, that day is coming soon -- when all those mindless, nihilistic couch-potatoes are called upon to serve as the citizen spies, conformity enforcers and concentration camp guards of tomorrow.

So you'd better get used to Bill O'Reilly's smug, blotchy face, because unless some drastic changes take place, it's the face of your future.

-----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

- Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Badshaash...

Old Mrs Johnson is having her final portrait done by a renowned artist.
Her instructions to him were; "Paint me wearing huge Diamond Earrings, a Fabulous Pearl Necklace, a Gigantic Ruby Pendant, a Colossal 20 Carat Tennis bracelet and a 20 Carat Emerald ring."
The artist was surprised and asked "Why?"
Mrs Johnson replied," My health is failing, I know my Husband's been screwing his young Secretary for a while now and will surely marry her once I'm dead and gone. I want the bitch to go insane looking for this Jewelry."

- Today's second joke was sent in by Ozborn...

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know... "Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know... Double Income, Little Dog Owner."
They turn to the woman and ask her. "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

- Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal Bald and Bearded Down Under, who ought to be ashamed of himself...

A man goes to a Doctor complaining of painful urination and a discharge from his penis. The Doctor looks concerned, frightened even and takes a sample to the path lab to be analysed. I sorry to say he says on his return that you have a bad case of GASH.
My God says the man what the hell is that?
Well; says the Doc, it is a virulent combination of Gonhorrea, AIDS,Syphilis and Herpes.
Jesus!! says the man, what's the treatment?
We lock you in an isolation ward and feed you on a diet of crackers thin pizza and after dinner mints says the Doc.
Christ!! says the man, does that cure it?
We don't know says the Doc, but it's all we can fit under the door.

-----THEY SAID IT!-----

"You’re a journalist, and we all know journalists make bad politicians. Politicians know how to stick to a message. That’s how they are successful. Journalists think they always have to tell the truth."

- This blog entry by Canadian libertarian/conservative politician Garth Turner gives us a little glimpse of the incredibly ugly face behind the pharmaceutically serene facade put forth by Canadian Prime Minister Screamin' Stephen Harper, whom Canadians seem to have forgotten is one of the most spiteful, vindictive, petty, thuggish, bullying and downright hate-filled politicians ever to reach the summit of Canada's political landscape. If this asshole ever gets a majority, it's pretty much Game Over for Canadian democracy as we have known it.

-----ON THIS DAY!-----

On April 14 in the year 966, pagan ruler Mieszko I of the Polans tribe converts to Christianity after marrying princess Dobrawa of Bohemia, a Christian. This event is considered to be the founding of the Polish state.

On this day in 1816, a slave named Bussa leads a Spartacist rebellion in Barbados and is killed for his efforts. Bussa is now commemorated as the first national hero of Barbados.

On this day in 1846, the Donner Party loads up its wagons in Springfield, Illinois, and begins the long trek west, for California. In Colorado, they get caught in a box canyon during a freak early winter storm. Cannibalism ensues.

On this day in 1865, at roughly 10 PM, President Abraham Lincoln is shot once in the back of the head by popular stage actor, ardent secessionist and Confederate Secret Service agent John Wilkes Booth. Booth was part of a conspiracy of Confederate sympathizers who plotted the simultaneous assassinations of President Lincoln, Secretary of State William Seward and Vice President Andrew Johnson. Booth was the sole co-conspirator to succeed in carrying out his part in the plot. Although Seward was brutally slashed by Lewis Powell, he survived. George Atzerodt, VP Johnson's would-be assassin, lost his nerve and didn't even try. After shooting Lincoln, Booth beat a hasty retreat, but authorities caught up with him just before dawn on April 26. After a brief stand-off, the barn in which Booth was hiding was set on fire, then he was shot in the neck by Sergeant Boston Corbett, contrary to explicit orders that Booth be taken alive. Rumors persist to this day that the man Corbett shot was not Booth. Some believe Lincoln's assassin lived to a ripe old age under an assumed identity in Mexico. By mid-summer of 1865, 8 of Booth's co-conspirators were found guilty of taking part in the assassination plot, and 4 were hanged by the neck until dead.

On this day in 1909, Armenians living under Ottoman rule in Cilicia experience a small foretaste of what history holds in store for them when Islamic counter-revolutionary forces go on a rampage, massacring between 15 and 30 thousand Armenians for the crime of supporting the region's secular, progressive Young Turk revolutionary movement. Before half a decade would pass, violence against the Christian minority Armenians would become so deadly and ferocious that historians would have to coin a new word to describe it: Genocide.

On this day in 1912, at 11:40 PM, the RMS Titanic hits an iceberg in the North Atlantic. The ship sinks the following morning, killing 1,517.

On this day in 1986, President Ronald Reagan orders major bombing raids against Moammar Gadafi's Libya in response to a West Berlin disco bombing that killed two American servicemen. 60 Libyans are killed in the raids, including one of Gadafi's adopted infant sons.

On this day in 1988, roughly a decade after being tricked into an incredibly costly and morale-sapping invasion and occupation of Afghanistan by Carter administration National Security Advisor Zbigniew "Alphabits" Brzezinski, the Soviet Union signs an agreement pledging to withdraw its troops from Afghanistan during a United Nations ceremony held in Geneva, Switzerland.

On this day in 2002, two days after a CIA-backed businessman's coup is overturned by an outraged citizenry, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez makes a triumphant and bloodless return to office.

On this day in 2003, the Human Genome Project announces that it has completed sequencing 99% of the human genome to an accuracy of 99.99%. Let the custom-built New World Order Genocide Pandemics begin!

-----ASK JERKY!-----

Hi Jerky, Just read through Daily Dirt today and I have an "ask Jerky" for you. Obviously, without advertising you can't last for long. The last Daily Dirt was sponsored by Porn sites (so it seemed) and others, that don't seem to be here now. Have you become a "wowser" and not asked them "onboard", or is it "harder" to get their sponsorship now? Maybe you should try the "initiators" method and spam it, for both sponsors and receivers. Will the Dirt become a "delivered to your inbox mag" or stay as a log on if you remember item? Signed: Maurie (probably your only Aussie mate)

"Thanks" for the "Ask Jerky" question, "Maurice"! Actually, you're "correct". The Daily Dirt WAS "sponsored" by "porn" sites in the past. But you see, the thing is, "this" is "not" the "Daily Dirt". It's the "Daily Dirt DIASPORA!" That's kind of a "big difference". Why? Well, because "this" website is totally "independent" of the "previous" one. And although I "loved" writing the "original" site, I'm writing this site purely for love... Know what I mean? So "making money" is absolutely a secondary "concern" for me at this point. As for the Dirt becoming a "delivered to your mailbox" thing, that depends on any number of "factors", including "cost", "effectiveness" and "reader interest". We'll just have to "wait" and "see"! In the meantime, "Cheers!" from yer old "pal" Jerky!

UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE

Why is it that we're all supposed to blindly "support the troops" no matter what?