AMERICAN CARNAGE 2017 -- THE PREVIEW

a guest editorial by Our Old Pal 6

Our Old Pal Jerky is swamped in eclectic coverage of both on and off-line reality so your Old Pal 6 (that’s me!) volunteered to help him create an Extra Special Edition of the Daily Dirt Diaspora for this most remarkable – or unremarkable, depending on where you stand – moment in history.

Highly credible news organizations like InfoWars erroneously claimed that “somebody’s gonna use a tactical nuke and the Obama Administration will continue” after the inauguration. Instead, we ended up with some tear gassings, flash grenades, and other boring stuff that’s actually pretty typical for any drug bust or slow news day. But we did get this comparison of crowd sizes between the Obama inauguration and the Trump inauguration, which pretty much says Americans don’t seem to give a fuck about welcoming the Cheeto into his position of Absolute Supreme Commander Ruler of Earth, along with the First Porn Star of the United States.

Exactly what kind of “don’t give a fuck is this?”

It could be disgust, it could be apathy, it could be everybody’s broke and can’t afford a flight or Greyhound to DC. We don’t know, but I’m leaning toward apathy because I, for one, don’t give enough of a shit to make the trip.

But we also got a decent and well-worded inauguration speech. For this crowd whose size was a step -- or maybe even two steps above open-mic night at the comedy club in San Angelo, TX -- Trump really delivered the goods. We got a delightful Bernie Sanders-style FU to The Establishment; it seemed like the writers actually focus grouped their work this time. 

Without fail, however, Trump just had to get into that ugly xenophobic crap. His speechwriters at least had the decency to throw a Rickroll on top of it, with a few nods to Charlie Sheen about America and “winning.” 

Maybe that wasn’t a nod to Charlie Sheen, but all that talk about winning is really a part of the Charlie Sheen brand, so it could be trademark or copyright infringement by now. You think I’m kidding? Watch the video – I wouldn’t alexjones this stuff up for the Dirt’s audience – it’s in there.

Then we get an alleged Bible quote – or something labeled as a Bible quote; I don’t care one way or the other and will allow others to fact check that particular point. A few echoes of fascism, namely the police state stuff, nationalism, loyalty, and the like. 

And then, just like every other politician with low opinion polls, he turns to space – specifically, “unlocking the mysteries of space.” Anyone else remember when Dubya tried to do it with Mars? Space is the go-to-place when you’re losing face, Ace. That, and promises of eradicating Islamic terrorism.

The greatest and best – and I mean amazingest – truly the best and 'yuge' ironic statement in the speech?

“When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice.” (11:45)

Runner-up: “We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action constantly complaining but never doing anything about it … empty talk is over.”

That’s all I got for now. Tomorrow I’ll be checking the DC police reports to see what kind of neato stuff happened that their public affairs people felt could be posted online. I encourage others to do the same.

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Yer Old Pal 6 is a long-time fan of the Daily Dirt and credits Yer Old Pal Jerky with helping him to survive two Bush Administrations. Sleek, suave, highly-educated, yet slow-witted, and pretty damn dumb, Yer Old Pal 6 enjoys wine tasting, sunny days, long walks on the beach, taking psychedelics and watching ultraviolent cannibal exploitation films, the laughter of children, and other people’s puppies. He sees the Trump years as the Epoch of the Artist; we’re in store for some of the greatest music, writing, and innovation to ever exist in history. After all, somebody has to be the mother of invention.