Monday, April 29, 2013

MY LATEST PIECE FOR RIOTWIRE HAS BEEN PUBLISHED!

After publishing my satirical revamp of CBC Television's programming line-up so that it squares more precisely with conservative Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Fucking Harper's thuggish ideology, followed by my collection of bite-sized dossiers on all nine of Canada's current Supreme Court Justices, the fine folks at RiotWire.com have now published my ostensibly humorous list of the Top 13 Ways to Amuse Yourself During a Global Economic Collapse! 

The list begins as all proper Top 13 lists do, with the thirteenth entry, which is...

13. Save money wallpapering your house by using worthless paper “fiat” currency (you know, like the American Dollar. Or the Canadian Dollar, for that matter…though wallpapering with loonies might be a bit difficult).

12. Diversify your post-apocalyptic skill set by boning up on such long lost arts as alchemy, leechcraft, and ceremonial ventriloquism.

11. Come up with new and amusing ways to sort and organize your family’s canned goods hoard. Start out alphabetically, then sort by shelf life, nutritional value, or even flavor preference.


Don't worry... IT GETS A LOT FUNNIER DEEPER INTO THE LIST! Just click through to find out exactly how much funnier it gets!

AN UNPUBLISHED COMIC STRIP FROM 1992!

Hey-ho, former Daily Dirt fans, not to mention anyone else who finds themselves wandering into this, my catch-all "general interest" blog! Today, as part of my ongoing quest to provide you good people with all sorts of meaningless ephemera from my many former lives, I bring you a comic strip that I drew back in my college days, roughly in the year 1992 or thereabouts. 

As you can see, I had yet to grasp the concepts of character, narrative flow, thematic consistency, etc. Essentially a collection of non sequitur text and images thrown together in slapdash fashion, its only redeeming quality is perhaps the not entirely unpleasant level of draftsmanship. Also, is there anything quite so inadvertently funny as a vacuum cleaner's crevice tool? I think not.

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Also, don't forget to check out our sister-site UselessEaterBlog's daily Paracultural Calendar updates. It refreshes every day with crazy new historical information. 

Highlights from the 26th of April include the Picasso-inspiring bombing of Guernica and the Chernobyl nuclear power station meltdown.

Highlights from the 27th of April include the sinking of the Sultana on the Mississippi (the worst maritime tragedy in American history) and the birth of the computer mouse AND South African Apartheid.

Highlights for the April the 28th include the launch of Thor Heyerdahl's Kon-Tiki and the Port Arthur Massacre in Tasmania.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

JUST A THOUGHT...

If you believe that the federal government should take no legislative action in response to the Sandy Hook massacre, but that it should institute a nationwide crackdown on Muslims because of the Boston bombing... then you might be a conservative moron.

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy.
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Check out our sister-site UselessEaterBlog's daily Paracultural Calendar updates. It refreshes every day with crazy new historical information. 

Saturday, April 13, 2013

NOTES ON MY RECENT "CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE" WITH H&R BLOCK


This year, I filled out my 2012, 2006 and 2004 taxes at a local H&R Block mall outlet in Etobicoke, Canada. I got my 2012 refund immediately in the form of a check, but was told I'd have to wait a month for my 2004 and 2006 refunds. I've used H&R Block in the past and this year, as usual, the experience went relatively smoothly. There was only a minor delay due to a malfunctioning check-printer.

The one sore spot? My worker seemed a tad over-zealous in her efforts to get me to praise her performance to her managers. She even went so far as to dial them up, herself, on my cell phone, so that I could "talk her up" to them.

I found this odd, but chalked it up to maybe she'd had a bad couple days and needed the boost, so I played along. I was, after all, satisfied with her work.

So a month goes by. Then a couple more days, and my 2004/2006 refunds have yet to be deposited into my bank account. I decide to call H&R Block to see what's up. The employee who takes my call tells me that I will actually have to wait a further 2 to 4 weeks before I get my refunds for those years. 

I'm a bit peeved about this.  I had been told it would be a month, and now they were telling me I would have to wait almost twice that long. I was, however, at least satisfied that nothing had gone wrong with my filing. I thanked the person and tried to hang up. 

"Um... hold on!"

This H&R Block rep had something to ask me. And that something was this: Would I mind answering a few survey questions relating directly to the customer service experience that I'd just had with the individual to whom I was currently speaking?

I begged off a telephone interview, somewhat nonplussed, but agreed to fill out an email survey at some future date. Then I hung up. 

That was yesterday. Today, I got an email from H&R Block. Entitled "H&R Block Client Experience Survey", it reads:
Our records indicate that you recently contacted the H&R Block Client Service Organization for assistance. As part of our ongoing commitment to service excellence, we are conducting a survey to measure your satisfaction with your service experience on 4/11/2013. Please take a few seconds to complete our survey by clicking the following link.
So I clicked on the link and was taken to a page where I had to choose between English, Francais and Espanol. I chose English, and was brought to the following question:
Please respond to the following questions based on your recent experience with the H&R Block Client Service Organization. Using a scale from 0 to 10 where 0 means NOT AT ALL LIKELY and 10 means EXTREMELY LIKELY, how likely is it that you would recommend H&R Block to a friend or colleague as a result of your call to the Client Service Organization?
To this question, I chose the number 7.

Upon supplying my answer, I was brought to a page that asked me:
What would it take for you to give us a 10?
To this question, I replied thusly:
Basically, what it would take for me to give you a 10 is for you to give up the INCREDIBLY annoying habit of FORCING ME TO FILL OUT A F&%#ING SURVEY EVERY TIME I SO MUCH AS HAVE A BRIEF F&%#ING CHAT WITH ONE OF YOUR F&%#ING EMPLOYEES!!! STOP IT!! JUST F&%#ING STOP!!!!
Upon supplying my answer, I was brought to a page that asked me:
In the event that we would like to ask you follow-up questions would you be willing to discuss your service experience further?
I'll let you take a wild F&%#ING guess as to whether I replied in the affirmative or the negative.

***

Hey, folks! Don't forget today's PARACULTURAL CALENDARS for APRIL 10, APRIL 11 and APRIL 12! Bookmark the page and check it for updates, daily!

Cheers!
yer old pal Jerky

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

KNOW YOUR CANADIAN SUPREME COURT JUSTICES!

Quick! How many of Canada’s current sitting Supreme Court Justices can you name? If you’re like most people - even most Canadians - you probably can’t name even a single one. At least, not without checking on Google or Wikipedia, first. Meanwhile, our neighbors to the south enjoy the services of a Supreme Court that’s jam-packed with judicial superstars; over-sized personalities with legal philosophies all their own – from the Latino-flavored common sense of Justice Sonia Sotomayor, to the rigid, theocratic absolutism of that erstwhile duo of strict constructionists, Antonin “Fat Tony” Scalia and Clarence “Slappy” Thomas.

The time has come for the Canadian Supreme Court to step out of the shadows of obscurity and into the blistering, cleansing fire of public scrutiny! That’s why I've written a piece for RIOTWIRE, so that you, too, can get to…

(Link takes you to RIOTWIRE page, off-site! - Jerky)

***

I've also started up the PARACULTURAL CALENDAR again. So, to see what happened on this day in Conspiracy Theory and/or Occult and ParaPolitical History, check out the updates for APRIL 8 and APRIL 9!

Enjoy!

Monday, April 8, 2013

LINKS AND VIDEO GRAB-BAG, PLUS RE-LAUNCHING PARACULTURAL CALENDAR!

Ever wondered what it is, exactly, that Jehovah's Witnesses believe? Check out this extract from the 1986 "documentary" cartoon Witnesses of Jehovah, produced by the "good Christian film-makers" working at Jeremiah Films.


And here's the same company's animated, early 1980's take on Mormonism, which makes the sci-fi scenarios of Scientology seem dignified by comparison! Oh, how yer old pal Jerky loves watching all these Xian dolts go back and forth, tearing each others' metaphorical throats out in these goofy theological grudge matches!


***

Hey there! Hope you enjoyed the above cartoons. I just want to let you know that I have begun posting daily Paracultural Calendar updates over at my other space, the Useless Eater Blog. Actually, I have RE-begun doing so, as I started up the same thing last year, but only kept it up for about two months before giving up. I promise to go the distance this time. After all, there are only 365 days in any given year, and I already have two months done! Therefore, barring anything crazy happening in the intervening years, once I've finished, I can keep re-posting forever and ever and ever! And nobody will ever be the wiser! Muah-ahahaha! 

Actually, I also promise to start posting more, both here at the Daily Dirt Diaspora blog, and over at the Useless Eater Blog, as well. With a little luck, I'll maybe start making upwards of a dollar or two per day at this blogging game! Seeing as I've accumulated a total of just under 30 dollars in ad revenue so far from almost three years of blogging - despite some of my posts getting thousands of hits - a buck a day almost seems like a crazy pipe dream. 

Anyhoo, I'm not complaining. I've begun putting together a collection of my best writing from the Daily Dirt days (1998 to 2006) and I'll be self-publishing that in the very near future, so if you guys want to help me out, you can always buy a few copies and give them to various luminaries, opinion makers, church leaders and coked-up Hollywood celebrities to help get my name and work known out there in the wider world. Obviously, I'll be using this space to push that as yet un-named book project as soon as it's ready to roll. 

Cheers!
yer old pal Jerky

Monday, March 25, 2013

SCIENCE FICTION CLASSICS: JERKY'S PICKS!


Based on a request made by a good friend of mine, I recently put together a list of the Top Ten novels that I feel are absolutely essential reading in the all too often belittled literary genre known as science-fiction. This list is presented in no particular order, and is based on a number of criteria including, but not limited to, the quality of the prose, the level of innovation, influence on subsequent works, entertainment value, etc.

Needless to say, I am looking forward to discussing and debating the merits of some or all of these works with all of you in the comments section at the bottom of this page. So please, feel free to take a giant crap on my list and offer up suggestions of your own, if you please.

And now, with the formalities out of the way, I present to you...

THE TOP TEN MUST-READ SCIENCE FICTION NOVELS OF THE PAST 100 YEARS!

1. DUNE, by Frank Herbert

It is a well-worn cliche but no less true for being so that Dune is to science fiction what The Lord of the Rings is to fantasy. In Dune, written in 1965, Frank Herbert manages to create a completely believable world of the far-off, distant future - meticulously presented, from its deep ecological roots all the way up to the loftiest heights of its treacherous interplanetary politics - and then fills that world with believable and fascinating characters, complete with intricate histories and psychological make-ups all their own. The science, philosophy, theology, politics, psychology and even geology of the Dune universe are each explored in depth to great effect, but it's the sum total gestalt of it all that makes Dune so special. Simply put, everything in Dune hangs together incredibly well. There are very few novels in the English language quite so richly layered, so vividly imagined or so intellectually absorbing as Frank Herbert's visionary masterpiece, Dune.

2. CHILDHOOD'S END, by Arthur C. Clarke

In 1953's Childhood's End, legendary author Arthur C. Clarke envisions a relatively peaceful invasion by alien beings who, despite igniting a new Golden Age for humanity, seem to be keeping some very big secrets from the very race they say they've come to help. Would you be willing to evolve, if evolving meant becoming something that you might not recognize as being quite human? It's a scary idea, and one that is fully explored in this wonderful novel, which - at under 300 pages - also happens to be a brisk and breezy read.

3. DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP?, by Philip K. Dick

Philip K. Dick has written so many classic novels - my own favorites being this one, UBIK, The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch and Martian Time Slip - that it's hard to pick just one. 1968's Do Androids...? is, of course, the novel upon which the Ridley Scott film Bladerunner was based. The resulting film, however, had very little in common with the source work, so just because you've seen the movie, don't assume you know the book. In his writing, PKD never stops asking the Big Questions. What does it mean to be human? What is the nature of empathy? What separates mankind from the animals... and from the machines? If you find these topics at all interesting, then by all means read this novel at the first opportunity. It also happens to be quite a thrilling adventure story.

4. THE STARS MY DESTINATION, by Alfred Bester

1956's The Stars My Destination is Alfred Bester's dark, twisted, adrenalin-soaked, balls-to-the-wall revenge-fueled science-fiction freak-out masterpiece. When I finally got around to reading this novel for the first time a few years ago, it was one of the biggest surprises of my reading life. How could this bat-shit crazy story have been concocted over half a century ago?! It felt so fresh and innovative and new. Small wonder it's been cited as one of the major influences on the late 20th century cyberpunk sf literary movement. Containing elements that would make it difficult to turn into a film without serious revision (I refer here to the evolutionary leap of "jaunting", or teleportation), this work is probably destined to remain a purely literary pleasure, at least in the short term.

5. SNOW CRASH, by Neal Stephenson

1992's Snow Crash stands out as the landmark work of so-called cyberpunk, despite arguably being somewhat of a satire. Being rather self-consciously post-modern, Snow Crash simultaneously features a philosophical deconstruction of the cyberpunk genre while also being a magnificent, textbook example of the same. One of the most debated and critiqued works of late SF, Snow Crash is densely packed with intriguing concepts, wildly imaginative characters, and hilariously over-the-top techno-shenanigans... a vast smorgasbord of a novel.

6. THE MARTIAN CHRONICLES, by Ray Bradbury

First published in 1950, The Martian Chronicles features a group of inter-connected Ray Bradbury short stories chronicling the colonization of Mars by Earth men, conflicts with the Martian civilization they encounter there, and ultimately, the reaction of Mars colonists to the devastation of their homeworld, Earth, by atomic war. This book has been described as a short story collection and an episodic novel, and indeed it does contain stories previously published by Bradbury in various science fiction magazines of the 1940's. However, thanks to interstitial elements added by Bradbury, the whole does manage to hang together as a singular piece of science-fiction literature, more than just the sum of its parts.

7. AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS, by H.P. Lovecraft

Many fans and literary critics consider this 1931 novella - Lovecraft's longest work - to also be among his very best. And despite its heaping helpings of trademark "cosmic dread", it is also completely devoid of any supernatural elements. It is thus, in all respects, a work of pure science-fiction, containing the ancient DNA of such future works of science-horror as Ridley Scott's ALIEN and John Carpenter's The Thing (with which it shares an Antarctic setting).

8. STAND ON ZANZIBAR and THE SHEEP LOOK UP, by John Brunner

Our first tie, featuring two books by the same author. 1968's Stand on Zanzibar is Brunner's mixed-media exploration of the overpopulation dilemma, while 1972's The Sheep Look Up examines issues of ecological catastrophe. Both novels are also stylistic homage to John Dos Passos' U.S.A Trilogy, a critically acclaimed collection of early Modernist novels featuring a mix of stream of consciousness, "newsreel" sections and snatches of political speeches, pop song lyrics and other elements to give depth to the world being portrayed. Both novels are also ripping good yarns in their own right.

9. HYPERION, by Dan Simmons

First published in 1989, Hyperion is Dan Simmons' multiple award-winning epic science fiction version of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. On the eve of Armageddon, with the entire galaxy at war, seven pilgrims set forth on a voyage to Hyperion, seeking answers to the unsolved riddles of their lives. Hyperion is home-world of the Shrike, a terrifying creature that lives in the Valley of the Time Tombs, structures that move backward through time. Some worship the Shrike while others wish to destroy it. This novel is a great story, well told, and an excellent example of late-80's science-fiction at its best.

10. 1984, by George Orwell / BRAVE NEW WORLD, by Aldous Huxley / A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, by Anthony Burgess

At number 10, I have decided to declare a three-way tie between these three dystopian novels, all of which often find themselves included on high school students' reading lists everywhere in the English-speaking world. In fact, it is their very ubiquity that leads me to lump em all together here, despite the fact that they don't share all that much in common. 1984, published in 1949, is the story of Winston Smith, an individual who becomes disenchanted with the totalitarian world order ruled over by Big Brother and dreams of rebelling, going so far as to explore various avenues of doing so - with tragic results. Huxley's Brave New World (1931), which explores a future world of social control based on pharmacology, eugenics and social engineering, is the "hardest" of these three novels, by which I mean that it is the one that takes the "science" behind the fiction most seriously. Burgess' A Clockwork Orange (1962) is perhaps most notable for the author's creation of a realistic future slang (called NadSat) and for the resulting scandal/success of Stanley Kubrick's 1971 film version, but it also stands up very well on its own merits - more than well enough to merit a place on this list.

Well, I hope you have enjoyed this little list that I've put together for you. By no means should you consider it a comprehensive overview of the science-fiction genre, but I think it serves as an adequate "sampler" to get you started reading in this rich and varied genre. Please let me know once you've read a few of these novels so I can put together an "advanced" version of this list, featuring 10 more classic SF novels that every well-read person should know about!

Cheers!
yer old pal Jerky

Monday, February 18, 2013

SYNCHRONICITY... IT HAPPENED TO ME!

On Friday, February 15, 2013 - one day after the 1-in-100,000,000 odds simultaneous asteroid fly-by and Russian meteor show - my friend and co-blogger Albert V paid yer old pal Jerky a visit. After helping set up my new computer/scanner/printer, which was generously donated by a former employer, we decided to take a break and listen to FineArtStream.com, which features 24/7 streaming audio of Coast-to-Coast AM, a popular conspiracy and "alternative views" type radio program hosted by Art Bell. The show is something of an obsession with Albert, who listens to it constantly, is always talking about it, and harbors ambitions of one day becoming "the new Art Bell".

Here's the thing about Coast-to-Coast AM... over the span of 20-plus years, Bell often produced up to 7 3-to-4 hour programs each week. This means that - conservatively speaking - there are upwards of 23,000 HOURS worth of programming from which the Fine Art Stream archivists can pick and choose on any given day.  Just keep that in mind.

So there we were, Albert and I, sitting back and enjoying a well-earned break of Il Paesano pizza and talk radio when Bell takes a call from somebody asking if he'd heard anything about an entire town in the American southwest disappearing into thin air.

It was an odd story, but that wasn't what caught my attention. It was the caller's voice.

Albert is an adult student, and he's working towards his Bachelor of Arts here in Toronto. He'd been regaling me with stories about his classmates' youthful exploits when I felt compelled to interrupt him.

"Albert," I said. "Hold on... don't you notice something odd about this caller?"

Albert paused and listened in silence.

"Albert," I continued... "that's YOU!"

And indeed it was. Believe it or not, Dear Reader, the caller on the phone with Art Bell in that decades-old rerun of Coast-to-Coast AM was, unmistakably, none other than my friend and guest, Albert! Albert, who - over many years of obsessive listening and calling in - had succeeded in doing so only a small handful of times; less than a dozen, by his estimate.

So... what are the freakin' odds?! I assume they're slim - though certainly not as slim as those of the previous day's celestial fireworks display. And yet, still, I can't help but wonder what it might possibly mean, this strange coincidence. Was it a sign that Albert could one day achieve his goals, thus donning the mantle of America's premiere late-night conspiracy-and-UFO-obsessed media personality? Frankly, I have no idea. Robert Anton Wilson might have had something worth saying on the topic. Unfortunately, he's dead.

The bottom line, I suppose, is that these things happen. People win lotteries, get hit by lightning - sometimes on multiple occasions. Letters mailed decades ago get delivered. Frogs rain down from the clear, blue sky. And somehow it all evens out in the end. I mean, after all, this isn't the first crazy coincidence I've ever experienced. It isn't even the craziest. That honor goes to the time my old friend Jon P picked up a couple hitchhikers while long-haul trucking across Pennsylvania or someplace, only to soon work out that they were classmates of mine from college! And I went to school hundreds of miles away from home! Now that flipped yer old pal Jerky's wig, right proper!

Now if you'll kindly excuse me, I'm off to buy an armload of scratch-and-win tickets.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

WHY THE DR STRANGELOVE TRAILER IS EVEN MORE AWESOME THAN YOU THINK



Very Nice Very Nice (1961) was the first short film by the Canadian avant-garde artist Arthur Lipsett. Using scraps of film he found on the cutting room floor, Lipsett put together an amusing 7-minute montage that was nominated for an Academy Award and which instantly earned Lipsett a reputation as an innovator in the experimental or "art" film community. One of his new fans was none other than Stanley Kubrick, who was so impressed by the piece that he asked Lipsett to produce the theatrical trailer for his soon-to-be-released epoch-defining pitch-black Cold War satire Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. Lipsett refused the assignment, so Kubrick went ahead and cut his own Strangelove trailer in the style of Lipsett’s film, doing a pretty good job. Of course, being a confirmed Kubrick fanatic, I’m biased. So why don’t you watch both works and judge for yourself?

Very Nice, Very Nice:
 
Dr. Strangelove Theatrical Trailer:


Just a note about this version of the Strangelove theatrical trailer: it’s a fan re-master, and it’s fantastic. It is, hands down, the best version currently available online or anywhere else, for that matter, especially since the HD and BluRay editions inexplicably and shamefully have only the truncated 1-minute version of the trailer.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

1=INFINITY=0

The universe is one.
Nothing that is, is not.
All that is, is.

The universe is infinite.
Infinity contains infinite infinities.
Everything that is, is repeated, infinitely.
Thus, infinity is one.

Because the universe is infinite,
And because the universe is one,
The universe does not exist.
It cannot begin until it is finished.
It is finished before it can begin.

One = Infinity = Zero.

Now is the arrow that cuts the air.
We are the air, split by the arrow.
We are not now.

Because we are not infinite.
Because we are not one.
And because we exist.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

EVEN DEATH MAY DIE

"When at last I awakened, it was to discover myself half sucked into a slimy expanse of hellish black mire which extended about me in monotonous undulations as far as I could see, and in which my boat lay grounded some distance away. Though one might well imagine that my first sensation would be of wonder at so prodigious and unexpected a transformation of scenery, I was in reality more horrified than astonished; for there was in the air and in the rotting soil a sinister quality which chilled me to the very core. The region was putrid with the carcasses of decaying fish, and of other less describable things which I saw protruding from the nasty mud of the unending plain. Perhaps I should not hope to convey in mere words the unutterable hideousness that can dwell in absolute silence and barren immensity. There was nothing within hearing, and nothing in sight save a vast reach of black slime; yet the very completeness of the stillness and the homogeneity of the landscape oppressed me with a nauseating fear. The sun was blazing down from a sky which seemed to me almost black in its cloudless cruelty; as though reflecting the inky marsh beneath my feet. … Nor were there any sea-fowl to prey upon the dead things."
From Dagon by H.P. Lovecraft
Upon encountering three news stories about the sorry state of the world's oceans a while back, yer old pal Jerky's thoughts turned to Howard Phillips Lovecraft, the prodigy of Providence, living anachronism, gentleman nihilist. In his lifetime, Lovecraft barely eked out a living as an author of weird fiction for pulpy journals of ill repute. Sickly since birth, he died a pauper in his early 40s, just before World War II really got rolling. Fortunately, he left behind a devoted circle of correspondents and admirers who refused to let his visions of cosmic dread be relegated to the recycle bin of literary history. Today, nearly seventy years since his death, many consider Lovecraft the 20th century's most important author of fantastic fiction, a Poe for the nineteen-hundreds.

Make no mistake, he remains a cult commodity; multiple cults in fact, including a number of literalists who've made fetishes of the master's McGuffins. Among these, the reality of a blasphemous grimmoire entitled Al Azif, or the Necronomicon, remains the most persistent rumor. For some, the idea of a book containing knowledge so unutterably awful that anyone reading it risks going insane is simply too good not to be true. Occasionally, academics eager to bolster their "geek cred" with a certain phenotype of student will invoke the name of H.P. Lovecraft, but in the world of learned elites, his work remains a guilty pleasure.

Lovecraft is not without his champions, however. Jacques Bergier, nuclear chemist and World War II hero, introduced his work to the Continent. There, Lovecraft's adjectival excesses were more easily forgiven -- even appreciated -- and his resonance with Nietzsche, Spengler, Freud and Einstein were more readily detected. Not a few who lived through this terrible age of death camps and atomic annihilation sensed the tremor of prophecy in Lovecraft's words. It's not for his style, but for his substance -- or, perhaps more accurately, his subtext -- that Lovecraft's reputation grows more formidable with every passing year.

French novelist and enfant terrible Michel Houellebecq counts himself an unabashed fan. Recalling his youthful first encounter with Lovecraft's work, he writes: "To call it a shock would be an understatement. I had not known literature was capable of this. And, what's more, I'm still not sure it is. There is something not really literary about Lovecraft's work."

Reading The Colour Out of Space provides clues as to Houellebecq's meaning. Besides being Lovecraft's most unnerving work -- and a rip-roaring yarn -- this is a story that captures with skin-crawling accuracy the arcane befoulment wrought by radioactive poisoning. That it was written decades before man first tried to split the atom only adds to the frisson one feels when reading it.

Which brings us, in a roundabout way, to the subject at hand. Though he seldom strayed far from his coastal hometown, Lovecraft loathed the ocean. In its depths, he saw a reflection of the boundless void irreversibly exposed when reason ripped away the comforting veil of superstition. It seems oddly fitting, therefore, that the world's oceans are rapidly deliquescing into a zone of Lovecraftian ruin. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the septic sea we call the Gulf of Mexico.

Along the shores of Englewood Beech a few years ago, seekers of sun and fun bore witness to an astonishing phenomenon; an abyssal procession of sea-life, flopping and wiggling and slithering along in their thousands. All manner of fish, crustaceans, mollusks and eels were observed traveling south in a narrow band stretching for miles, hugging close to shore. Predator swam alongside prey, ignoring the easy pickings in favor of beating the hastiest possible retreat. "You name the species of fish and they were there", one onlooker marveled. "It's incredible. I have never seen anything like that in my life."

As is so frequently the case in Lovecraft's fiction, the scientific community was at a loss to explain. "We just don't know what's happening," declared one researcher. "That's a lot of maybes and what-ifs. I know the state is working on that and some other reports, so maybe by next week we'll have some answers."

Elsewhere in the Gulf, some were coming face to face with a phenomenon so terrible in scope and portent that it makes the story above seem almost quaint. SCUBA divers are returning to shore with hair-raising descriptions of an unprecedentedly vast dead zone. "I'm talking zero things are alive out there", said witness Mike Miller, grimly adding: "The only way to describe it is a nuclear bomb."

The main candidate at this point is the presence of a "stealth" Red Tide. This so-called natural phenomenon bears more than a passing resemblance to the Old Testament plague, and is an otherworldly terror in its own right.

When the algae that thrive on human, livestock and industrial waste begin to multiply unchecked, it has a necrotizing effect on vast swaths of ocean. The blooming flora gives the water a murky crimson taint, but that's the least of it. After a while, the darkness begins to spread, choking out all the oxygen and killing everything in its path. Red Tide produces a potent neurotoxin that has been known to kill people unlucky enough to drink the foul corruption. That which the Red Tide kills sinks to the bottom and rots, providing further fuel to make the Red Tide grow… and the feast goes on.

Need your humble narrator point out that our Red Tides get worse and worse with every passing year?


On the global scale, the news isn't much cheerier. In what scientists warn might be a tilting point in the acceleration of Global Warming, an expanse of Siberian permafrost the size of Western Europe is beginning to thaw for the first time since the Ice Age ended.

But this Global Defrosting could lead to things far worse than just the world's biggest muck-pit. The region consists mostly of a vast peat bog, with billions of tons of methane -- a greenhouse gas 20 times more destructive than carbon dioxide -- trapped in its frozen depths. If unleashed, this methane could double or triple the already accelerating rate of global temperature increase, leading to consequences that can only be described as Apocalyptic. Russian scientist D. Kirpotin described the situation as an "ecological landslide that is probably irreversible, and is undoubtedly connected to climatic warming."

And so it's come to this. The oceans are choking to death. Entire ecosystems are collapsing. The toxic effluvium of our waste-based society threatens to make our bloody bickering as meaningless as our very lives. We know the consequences, but we can't seem to stop ourselves.

At some level, most of us understand that the human species is going through an unprecedented metaphysical crisis. And most of us understand that this crisis is probably terminal. Like the cultists and malcontents who populate Lovecraft's fiction -- who know that if their incantations succeed, the best they can hope for is a quick death -- we are hastening our own obliteration. We collectively rush to be folded up into the formless tentacles of the boiling chaos that birthed us, and be devoured whole. In other words, we rush to embrace the ultimate doom that is the destiny of all living things, no matter what.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

OLD PAL JERKY'S OLD PALS RELEASE "CHICKEN OUTFIT" COMIC!


Millions breathed a sigh of relief with the news of a recent discovery confirming that the Mayan calendar extends beyond 2012 and the world won't be ending on December 21, 2012 after all. Unfortunately, sources have revealed that two online porn employees at XberXabre.com, a company known for pushing the limits of technology and good taste in the name of higher profits, may have inadvertently set the apocalypse back in motion.

That's the story behind Chicken Outfit, a new horror/sci-fi comic series from co-creators Joe Deagnon and Kirby Stasyna that is currently running a campaign on Indiegogo.

Drawing inspiration from 80s horror films, underground comix and first-hand office culture,Chicken Outfit, a phantasmagoria of horror, science fiction, dark humour and characters dressed in stupid costumes, is a comic series for these future-shocked times. Chicken Outfit chronicles corporate greed, maniacal assassins, undead biker-chicks, drunken psychic shaman, pretentious aliens and a couple of under-paid slobs who find themselves in the most hellish situation of their lives.


The story focuses on Stan Munson and Rusty McDoodle, two hapless shlubs working in online porn under the management of a madman and his dog-like cronies. During a secret experiment, Stan inadvertently opens a portal to another dimension and brings about hell on earth. As the story progresses, Stan and his best friend Rusty team up with a drunken psychic, who harbours a bizarre secret. Follow their adventures as they attempt to sabotage their employer's nefarious plans, fight douchebags and demons, save the girl, and, ultimately, discover their soul-shattering fates. 

When asked about the inspiration behind the creation of Chicken Outfit, artist and co-writer Deagnon responded, "I've been reading and drawing comics since the age of nine. Mad Magazine, EC horror titles, and underground work from artists such as Gilbert Shelton, Robert Crumb and Jean Giraud have always fueled my fascination with satire, parody and the macabre. Reading Helter Skelter and Stephen King at a very formative age, along with 70s and 80s genre films by directors like John Carpenter and David Cronenberg, had a great deal to do with my development as an artist.

Chicken Outfit is the culmination of the hard work I've put into it over the years as well as a product of my love of horror and science fiction. I wanted to put together a piece of work that would be exciting and bizarre, something I would want to read. My hope is that others, who have tastes similar to my own, will appreciate our comics."


Deagnon and Stasyna are currently running a crowdfunding campaign for the comic on IndieGoGo. Visitors to the Chicken Outfit campaign can watch the exclusive comic trailer, view the cover for the "hellish first issue" and support the project through a variety of contribution levels. The packages include a copy of the premiere issue of the comic, a series of "horror movie homage" postcards, a sticker set and a limited edition Chicken Outfit t-shirt that will be exclusive to Indiegogo contributors.

When questioned about their decision to launch Chicken Outfit on Indiegogo, Co-writer Stasyna commented, "For us, crowdsourcing is not about raising money from total strangers; it's an avenue for reaching people who support independent artists and are interested in more than they might find at their local comic shop. Plus, we are hoping that as many people as possible read Chicken Outfit and much like the hapless fools in the comic, are infected by an unspecified madness, mutate in some horrible form and attack their friends and co-workers."

The Indiegogo campaign for Chicken Outfit runs from Dec 12, 2012 until February 15, 2013 and is available at: http://www.indiegogo.com/chickenoutfit.

About the creators: 

Joe Deagnon (Artist & Co-Writer) has previously published five issues of Paranoid Tales of Neurosis. Called "lowbrow and entertaining", "hyper-fun and sickly twisted" and "bizarre and wonderful", his work has been described as a combination of Harvey Pekar meets Ralph Steadman and dubbed "a Mad Magazine for the 90s" by drive-in movie critic Joe Bob Briggs. Herschell Gordon Lewis commented on his humor as "sick and vicious, just like mine." He also was a regular contributor to the music weekly Exclaim and Film Threat magazine.

A self-proclaimed success story in the tradition of Tom Vu, Kirby Stasyna (Co-Writer) is not living the luxurious life he is seen enjoying on TV. Relying only on street smarts and empty beer bottles, much of Kirby's time that should be spent working on Chicken Outfit projects is wasted looking for jobs, feeding birds, volunteering at museums, and playing around with vintage gizmos and obsolete electronics. A proven creative and conceptual specialist, Kirby has yet to create or conceive personal success, financial freedom, or anything of any worth or value that isn't owned by some other company. Kirby's artistic sense has been so toned down by ex-employers that he can only see in 2-bit color without the use of special glasses. He also has the distinction of being co-creator of the Naked News.

And now, for the trailer!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

SANDY HOOK AFTERMATH: REQUIRED READING



At the Overland Literary Blog, essayist Jeff Sparrow has come to grips with the Newtown, Connecticut grade school massacre by priming the pump of his soul and pouring out some very wise waters from which I urge you all to drink deeply, and be refreshed. Titled 'When the Burning Moment Breaks': Gun Control and Rage Massacres, Sparrow's lengthy essay covers the subject from every conceivable angle. He puts all the various elements in their proper historical contexts, examining each separate issue - the political, the economic, the medical and even the aesthetic - with an informed, scholarly detachment that doesn't prevent him from offering keen and valuable insights. Never cliched, ever engrossing and - in my opinion - absolutely essential reading. If you only read one analysis of this sad chapter in US history, let it be this one.


Saturday, December 15, 2012

HYMN TO THE GREAT GOD GUN

Thrill at the noisome blast of light,
O yeah! Hell Yeah!
Come careering out of the night
Of Gun! Yo Gun!
Yo Gun! Yo Gun! Come overnight delivery
From Ithaca and from Arcadia M&T!
Remington and Browning, with blocks and guards
And clips of ammo for thy arms.
Or via mail, First Class, from overseas
To me, to me,
Come from Hartmann and Weiss
(Hot as fire, cold as ice)
Come from Mauser, Krupp, Heckler and Koch,
Weigh heavy on my thigh, extend my crotch,
In the moon of the woods, from tree-top mount,
Explode the night with gushing crimson fount!
Striding through the halls, my hate I pray,
Ejaculating sermons from my Walther PPK,
The soul that grips this steel of blue,
And brings a sudden end to folks like you,
The Master of the Bush, the vintage Colt,
Poke holes from which will spill both life and soul
As body and as brains spread cross the floor,
(Yo Gun! Yo Gun!)
Give thanks to Umarex and to SIG Sauer,
O yeah! Hell Yeah!
Come like cannonading cannon ball
From shopping mall!
Come like crashing drums, precision tools
From every school!
Spitting hot lead pips from pipe!
Through flesh so ripe…
You, who sit and shop and learn
With life galore within you left to burn
Your bodies, growing weary of this life,
Your burden borne away by Armalite -
Come, O come!
I am numb
With the lonely lust of devildom.
Pumping sweet lead through steaming guts,
All-devourer, kicker-in-the-nuts;
Give me the sign of Open, Blinking Eye,
Slap heavy metal meat against my thigh,
And the word of madness and mystery,
O Gun! Yo Gun!
Yo Gun! Yo Gun Gun! Gun Gun! Gun,
I am a man:
Do as I will, as a Great God can,
O Gun! Yo Gun!
Yo Gun! Yo Gun Gun! I am awake
In the grip of the snake.
With Desert Eagle, bead is drawn;
As God withdraws:
The Great Beast comes, Yo Gun! Like a horny
Erection in the morn’
In uniform.
I am Gun! Yo Gun! Yo Gun Gun! Gun!
I am thy death, this is my fun,
God of the Glock, I am old, but I am god,
Like flesh and bone ker-smashed with iron rod.
On hooves of steel I stride towards your doom
Though it be early morning or High Noon.
And I rave; and I rape and I rip and I rend
Everlasting, world without end,
Mech-Tech, Majestic, Sako and Magnum,
See the might of my Gun.
Yo Gun! Yo Gun Gun! Gun! Yo Gun!

Friday, December 14, 2012

IF THE PMO RAN THE CBC...

As the most ideologically pure small-c conservative ever to reside at 24 Sussex, there is one thing about which we can be absolutely certain when it comes to our nation’s Prime Minister, Stephen Harper: he hates the CBC. He despises it with a deep and abiding malice, viewing it as a socialist-infiltrated cesspit of secular humanism, a seething hive of nepotistic cronies, almost wholly without merit, delivering a service that would be better left to private sector entrepreneurs like SUN Media to provide. It’s just the way his brain is wired. And when you reinforce this inborn predisposition with years of Clockwork Orange style indoctrination at some of the hemisphere’s most reactionary think tanks, it’s almost like it isn't even really his fault.

Unfortunately for Dear Leader, one of the only things most Canadians agree on is that they want him to keep his greasy mitts off the CBC. In every poll, and by every metric, our national broadcaster continues to be one of the most popular federal agencies going, from sea to sea to sea. Although this political reality has forced the PM to keep a tight lid on his true feelings, he does occasionally slip up. For instance, he could barely contain his glee this week when it was announced that the loss of this NHL season could cost the CBC $130 million in ad revenues.

So, public displays of schadenfreude and stealth budget cuts notwithstanding, the bottom line for now is that the CBC isn't going anywhere. Of course, that doesn't mean it’s in the clear. For instance, what if Prime Minister Harper were to suddenly shed his predilections, override all those years of brainwashing and come to the shattering realization that he’d be in a far better position to spread the Good News of conservative dogma to every corner of this great country… from deep INSIDE the Mothership?! What would a typical, average day of CBC programming look like if that were to happen, I wonder?

I think it would look a little something like this…

Read New PMO-Approved CBC Schedule HERE!