Thursday, March 9, 2017



Hoo-boy! That's sure been some impressive roll-out for Trumpcare, hasn't it? It's going almost as smoothly, and is proving almost as popular, as last month's Muslim Ban! And with defenders like Utah Rep Jason Chaffetz out there doing the media rounds in support of it, with such spectacular results, it's becoming more obvious with every passing day that the Trump White House really does run like a well-oiled machine. This machine, to be precise:

That's an automatic pig rectum remover. According to the technical specs, "a single operator can cut 1200 pigs / hour, easy to use, does not require much skill." Which means it's perfect for the Trump administration. Any members of that operation seeking a demonstration of said unit may contact yours truly via the usual avenues.


In his most recent op-ed piece, former Clinton cabinet official Robert Reich suggests that there are only three possible reasons behind Trump's Twitter rampage from last weekend, in which he accused his predecessor of wiretapping Trump Tower's phones.  Each explanation, Reich declares, is more terrifying than the last.

The first possibility is that Trump is even crazier than most of us already suspect. The second possibility is that Trump is correct, but that would likely also entail him being guilty of high crimes, up to and including treason. The third possible explanation also necessitates assuming guilt on Trump's part, as it entails him making efforts to "get ahead" of revelations that he knows are soon to drop. It's an offensive defense posture and a risky gambit, indeed.

These all seem like credible explanations to yer old pal Jerky, but allow me to suggest a fourth possibility: frustrated projection. It's what he would have done were he in Obama's shoes last year. So that has to be the explanation for why his dirty deals with Russian oligarchs, mobsters, and the Great Oligarch Mobster Putin are being exposed to the scorching light of day (no matter how hard the talking heads of RT, or Glenn Greenwald, or Julian Assange try to convince us all otherwise).

Actually, after malignant pathological narcissism, projection provides a pretty solid explanation for pretty much everything Trump says and does.

  • Why did China fast-track the granting of 38 Trump "trademarks"--including licenses for Trump brand massage parlors and escort services--and how is it that so far it's only the business press that seems to have picked up on this rather incredible (and doubtless at least somewhat illegal) development?
  • When informed by journalists that some pervy sickos were using their social media platform to share questionable, sexualized photographs of kids, why did Facebook refuse to look into the problem unless and until said journalists provided examples of these images? And furthermore, when said journalists complied with Facebook's request, why did Facebook then go ahead and report said journalists to the authorities, accusing them of emailing questionable, sexualized photographs of kids?! I mean, what the fuck, Facebook?!
  • Why are the alt.right/alt.left darlings at WikiLeaks trying to trick people into thinking that their latest data dump features documents showing US intel is "framing Russia" for the DNC hack, when there is exactly ZERO evidence for such a scenario? 
  • Here's a fun little thought experiment for you: Say President Obama were to invite InfoWars founder and alt.right media juggernaut Alex Jones over to his house one evening in order to break bread and "discuss the state of the world". How long do you figure it would take, in minutes, before Starfucker Jones got down on his knees and sucked Obama's dick? I'll go conservative and say it takes a full half hour.

    1. With An Insider's View: The Dark Rigidity of Fundamentalist Rural America, the folks at Alternet have given us a clip-and-save-worthy essay that serves both as a damning indictment of the dangerous mindset that has captured a sizable chunk of America's rural population, and a dire warning about the implications of ceding any more ideological ground to that already over-represented demographic. One highlight is a presentation of "the honest truths that rural Christian white Americans don’t want to accept." Until they accept these truths, nothing is going to change:
    • Their economic situation is largely the result of voting for supply-side economic policies that have been the largest redistribution of wealth from the bottom/middle to the top in U.S. history.
    • Immigrants haven’t taken their jobs. If all immigrants, legal or otherwise, were removed from the U.S., our economy would come to a screeching halt and food prices would soar.
    • Immigrants are not responsible for companies moving their plants overseas. The almost exclusively white business owners are responsible, because they care more about their shareholders (who are also mostly white) than about American workers.
    • No one is coming for their guns. All that has been proposed during the entire Obama administration is having better background checks.
    • Gay people getting married is not a threat to their freedom to believe in whatever white god they want to. No one is going to make their church marry gays, have a gay pastor or accept gays for membership.
    • Women having access to birth control doesn’t affect their lives either, especially women they complain about being teenage single mothers.
    • Blacks are not “lazy moochers living off their hard-earned tax dollars” any more than many of their fellow rural neighbors. People in need are people in need. People who can’t find jobs because of their circumstances, a changing economy or outsourcing overseas belong to all races.
    • They get a tremendous amount of help from the government they complain does nothing for them. From the roads and utility grids they use to farm subsidies, crop insurance and commodities protections, they benefit greatly from government assistance. The Farm Bill is one of the largest financial expenditures by the U.S. government. Without government assistance, their lives would be considerably worse.
    • They get the largest share of Food Stamps, Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security.
    • They complain about globalization, yet line up like everyone else to get the latest Apple products. They have no problem buying foreign-made guns, scopes and hunting equipment. They don’t think twice about driving trucks whose engines were made in Canada, tires made in Japan, radios made in Korea, and computer parts made in Malaysia.
    • They use illicit drugs as much as any other group. But when other people do it is a “moral failing” and they should be severely punished, legally. When they do it, it is a “health crisis” that needs sympathy and attention.
    • When jobs dry up for whatever reason, they refuse to relocate but lecture the poor in places like Flint for staying in failing towns.
    • They are quick to judge minorities for being “welfare moochers,” but don’t think twice about cashing their welfare checks every month.
    • They complain about coastal liberals, but taxes from California and New York cover their farm subsidies, help maintain their highways and keep the hospitals in their sparsely populated rural areas open for business.
    • They complain about “the little man being run out of business,” and then turn around and shop at big-box stores.
    • They make sure outsiders are not welcome, deny businesses permits to build, then complain about businesses, plants opening up in less rural areas.
    • Government has not done enough to help them in many cases, but their local and state governments are almost completely Republican and so are their representatives and senators. Instead of holding them accountable, they vote them into office over and over and over again.
    • All the economic policies and ideas that could help rural America belong to the Democratic Party: raising the minimum wage, strengthening unions, spending on infrastructure, renewable energy growth, slowing down the damage done by climate change, and healthcare reform. All of these and more would really help a lot of rural white Americans.
    Read the entire essay. It's important.

    2. Hey now! THIS is the stuff! "A philosophy comic about the inevitable anguish of living a brief life in an absurd world. Also jokes." If you're an under-employed, over-educated citizen of the ongoing slow-motion disaster movie that is NOW, then Existential Comics might be just the thing to put a smile on your face. Not the first one, though... that one is heavy as fuck. Thankfully, the comics get shorter, more colorful, and funnier as the series progresses. Enjoy!

    3. Kooky Canadian Conservative Party leadership candidate Kellie Leitch unleashed a startling video upon an unsuspecting public last week, and it left most Canadians wondering what in the name of the Littlest Hobo was this young lady's major malfunction?! Here's the entire thing if you think you can stomach her "golly gee willikers" tomboy affectation, her tuna noodle casserole accent, and her Trump Lite brand of condescending, thinly-veiled anti-immigrant idiocy, all delivered through a face that attempts to approximate sincerity, but succeeds only in delivering a smirking sneer. The real attraction here, however, is the startling array of awkward pauses that Leitch cycles through for the duration. A partial catalog is featured in this pared down version of her original:


    “The short answer? A transparent, oil-based, pressure-sensitive, non-permanent attempt to fix something the easiest and cheapest way possible that never gets to the source of the problem that created the situation in the first place. Appearing to be a good solution on the surface to those meant as the audience - but at the core it is deceptive and lazy.

    - Michele Sarna's reply to a fellow Facebook user who asked "What do you mean?" in response to her comment about how every time she sees Trump using scotch-tape in lieu of a tie pin, it seems like a perfect metaphor for his presidency.

    • I've created a new blog! The Mediavore! From Cult to Canon, from Classic to Trash, this is the place to find out what yer old pal Jerky thinks about all the latest media! Cinema! Books! Music! Comics! Television! Bullet Reviews! In-depth Analysis! If you have any suggestions, don't hesitate to send them along!
    • If you want to learn about some cool and/or weird things that happened on whatever day of history that it happens to be when you're reading this, why not check out our sister-site, Useless Eater Blog? You're sure to find something of interest, guaranteed!


    Coming Soon: A Dossier on Steve Bannon!

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