Thursday, December 31, 2015


I just checked my email only to find a message titled "Worried Sick" from someone named "Heidi". I happen to know a Heidi, so I clicked on it immediately.

The message, it turns out, was not from my Heidi. Instead, it was a digital shake of the beggin' cup from the Republican leadership campaign of Ted Cruz, mailed out as sponsored SPAM from the conservative movementarian website The Daily Caller, and ostensibly penned by Ted's wife, the Heidi in question.

The main thrust of this missive is that the Cruz campaign needs to raise over a quarter million dollars before midnight tonight, on this final day of 2015, or else the Good Lord is going to call Ted home, or something.

No, wait! I'm getting my right-wing crackpots mixed up. That was some other guy, Oral Roberts I think, back in the 1980's. At the time, he claimed he was given this fundraising ultimatum by a towering, 900-foot-tall Jesus whilst meditating in the desert.

Heidi's message doesn't contain anything quite so Southern Gothic; but there is a certain something about it... a certain frantic edge, a tone of barely concealed dread while hinting at potentially damaging revelations to come, leaving the reader with the distinct impression that the good ship Cruz may be hitting some choppy waters in the days ahead. 

Check out the text of Heidi's appeal for yourself. Here it is, with all misspellings and typographical errors left intact, as I believe these add a certain Elmer Gantry, Face in the Crowd touch of paradoxically authentic phoniness. 
Ted needs your help. 
Ted is under an all-out assault on his campaign, his values, and even him personally. Attacks are coming from all sides -- Republican and Democrat -- and of course the liberal media. 
Ted won't tell you this but I will -- please stop what you are doing and read below.
Here is the situation, and it worries me: 
1) We just received inside information that Iowa Super PACs -- funded by Republicans -- are planning to spend millions attacking Ted's policy and character. 
2) Hillary is personally attacking Ted's strong stand for American families. She openly speaks of her distain for Ted's values and is attacking him in front of millions online. 
3) The media is getting personal. The Washington Post published a despicable attack on my children. Both Ted and I are determined to protect our children from their shameless attacks. 
4) We now have only 18 hours left before the media starts their full scale "exploration" into our campaign finances. Thumbing through thousands of financial papers to find any weakness and mislead Americans. 
Friend, I don’t know any other man who is prepared to fight these political assaults, stand up to the personal attacks, and still provide a positive vision for America.
I admit I'm biased, but Ted is the man we need to restore America. 
One more thing: every dollar, every prayer and word of encouragement means the world to Ted and me. 
Today is the final day of 2015, and Ted could sure use your support right now more than ever. 
Click Here: 2015 STOP-GAP DONATION >>> 
You see, he's confided in me that he must raise another $349,394 dollars beforemidnight tonight -- less than 18 hours from now. 
That is a big shortfall. 
I know there is no way you -- or any one person -- can cover that entire balance, but if you could just make one last 2015 Stop-Gap donation, both Ted and I would be in your debt. 
If we close the books and Ted is still short, it could mean the difference between winning and losing this campaign. 
Click Here: 2015 STOP-GAP DONATION >>> 
I know it's a lot to ask, but can Ted and I count on you one last time in 2015? 
Heidi Cruz
Pretty weird, right?  I mean, on one level, it's a pretty typical example of conservative movement playbook propaganda: demonizing the so-called liberal media, whining about how any criticism of one's policies amounts to an "assault" on one's "values", forever playing the victim, using one's family as human shields... nothing new about all that.

But then there's that bit about an upcoming "full scale exploration" of the Cruz campaign's finances, and an immediate warning about how those who will be conducting this exploration are sure to try and "mislead Americans" in some way.

So, what do you think? Doth the lady protest too much? Is the Cruz campaign trying to get ahead of a scandal that they know is going to break at any moment? And are they trying to confuse, misdirect, or cushion the blow with this limited hangout foreshadowing statement?

If so, what kind of scandal is it going to be this time?  Yet another perverted Republican sex scandal? As if we haven't had enough of those in recent years. I guess it could be some sort of financial crime, but seeing as the Supreme Court's Citizens United decision four years ago has basically decriminalized bribery, any fiscal mischief would have to be something pretty freaking massive to qualify as an actual scandal.

So what do you think? Either leave your guesses in the comments section below, or drop me a line at the usual place. Until next time, keep your eyes on this space!

yer old pal Jerky

PS - Just in case you need a reminder of just exactly who (and what) it is I'm writing about, above, then take the time to watch this series of outtakes from a Ted Cruz campaign commercial shot this year, featuring his entire family, including his wife, kids (he's got a lot of them!), his mom, and his dad.  You get a tiny glimpse of the man's full measure. It certainly isn't anything upon which anyone should base their entire opinion of him. But it is enough to give us an inkling that, to put it as delicately as I can... something about Ted Cruz is just plain off.


  1. My guess is there isn't any hidden message in there. It reads pretty much like all of the 50 or so emails I get every day from the Dem side of the fence. Just change the names and party and you got it... except the Bern. His seem more... I don't know... adult?
    Jim Eby

  2. Yo, MOPJ. Glad to have a little dirt style commentary on days like these. Ted gives me the creeps, but I have decided not to intervene and let the GOP destroy themselves. I have focused on doing whatever I can to help Bernie get the Dem nomination. I wish you a very happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. All the best, YOPJoe

  3. I think I saw another set of outtakes, where he was forcing his family to say stuff they didn't want to, and many times over and over. "Something off" doesn't even cover how creepy this guy is. Adam S.