Tuesday, April 24, 2012


The following is running commentary to the film Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie (henceforth to be referred to as T&EB$M). I live-blogged this movie from home, over Facebook, on Saturday, April 21 in This Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Twelve.

The sharp-eyed and/or mathematically-inclined among you will note that it took me approximately one hundred and ten minutes to watch this ninety-three minute movie. That’s because I occasionally had to pause and/or rewind to make sure I’d seen or heard what I thought I’d seen or heard. Some of the posts feature follow-up posts and notes, mostly from myself, but occasionally from a small handful of my Facebook friends. These are all labeled accordingly. 

Overall, I’d have to say that I enjoyed T&EB$M a great deal more than I thought I would, which is probably due to all the negative reviews I'd read before watching. If you can get over the stars’ inclination towards post-post-ironic facial hyper-mugging, it’s as effective a smarter-than-it-seems gross-out stoner comedy as you’re likely to stumble across in this lifetime, and it is orders of magnitude funnier (and far more pleasurably disorienting) than any entertainment property featuring the talents of either Harold or Kumar.

That’s enough pre-blog squawking from me. Let’s launch into the festivities, shall we? And-a one, and-a two, and-a...

Saturday, April 21, 8:45 PM
Hey gang! Yer old pal Jerky is live-blogging the experience of watching T&EB$M starting... NOW!
(Jonathan Irwin likes this.)

8:46 PM
Kicking off with a Jeff Goldblum cameo right out of the gate. Smart move!
(George Jones likes this.)

8:47 PM
Bob Odenkirk VO pitch-man for the Schlaaang Super Seat, which is a terrifying device if ever there was one.

Watch out for the hot butter jets! "Up to 3rd Degree Burns!"

Remember, if you're not sitting in a Schlaaang Super Seat... you're not sitting down!"

8:48 PM
The Schlaaang Super Seat calibration procedure was easy, fun and relatively non-invasive!
(Ernest R Valdes sez: Mark,you're on a roll!! LOL)

8:49 PM
"Feature Film Presented With SCHLAAANG SOUND... Absorb the Experience!" I think I heard a chimp somewhere!
(Karl Green likes this.)

8:50 PM
Schlaaang Films presents a Schlaaang 21 Production of a Schlaaang Group (a subsidiary of Schlaaang Inc) Film!

8:51 PM
A Tim and Eric Film... DIAMOND JIM!!! Starring Johnny Depp, based upon a poem by Jim Joe Kelly, guru to Tim and Eric. It takes place in Paris. "Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour. Oui-oui! Magnifique!"

8:52 PM
A Johnny Depp lookalike just gave an Angelina Jolie lookalike a diamond the size of a baby's head. And... roll credits?! The movie is over! Three minutes long!

8:56 PM
Uh oh. Turns out we were watching the premiere showing of Tim and Eric's movie. It's three minutes long - the only usable footage - and it cost - gulp - a BILLION DOLLARS to make.

This is due to cost overruns on helicopter rides, midget rental and guru upkeep.

The investors (plugged into their Schaaang Super Seats) are NOT happy, even as a tan and fit Tim and Eric try to explain their Kubrickian vision (the Damian Hirst-like necessity of using real diamonds woven into Diamond Jim's suit, for instance).

The boys are in hot water... a choice between jail and being murdered by hired thugs...or how about they make back that BILLION DOLLARS somehow?! Somebody call Syd Field. We have reached our first plot point! Or is this the initial challenge? I can never remember...

8:56 PM
First order of business? Fire the guru.
(~ And to think, Tim told the investors he wasn't even willing to walk onto the set without Jim Joe Kelly on board… for 500 thousand a day.)

9:00 PM
Zack "Alphabits" Gallafianakarollipollybearnitz is Jim Joe Kelly, the double pony-tailed personal shopper and spiritual guru. He falls into a pool after sensing "some real depression", then getting sacked. The boys pull him to safety, but not before a harrowing incident where he "dries out", necessitating Tim and Eric tossing him back into the pool for a bit.
(~ The pony tails were a wig, it turns out.)

9:02 PM
So far, I'm hating these Tim and Eric guys one whole hell of a lot. Which I think is what they're going for. So mission accomplished!

9:05 PM
“I'm gonna get so fuckin' high... So fuckin' high... So fuckin' high..."
"I'm gonna get SKIT on my nose! SKIT on my nose! SKIT on my nose!"

"I wanna Hasheesh. Hasheesh. Hasheesh."

"I wanna cut my fuckin' arm off! Cut my fuckin' arm off! Cut my fuckin' arm of!"

"Put a bunch of shit up our holes! Shit up our holes! Shit up our holes!"
This song is followed up by a scary big penis piercing scene, followed by a urine-soaked scene co-starring Will Ferrell. Odd and scary.

9:05 PM
Aha! There's a mall that needs saving! The Swallow Valley Mall!

Here's their chance to make a BILLION DOLLARS!

9:07 PM
"Doing Business! DOBIS!"
"That's who we are! DOBIS PR!"

9:08 PM
Hmmm... an Amy Mann song already? First stumble for this flick so far, IMNSHO.

9:13 PM
Eric is falling in love with a photo. He can't wait to meet her and go deep inside her and show her his mushroom tip. Then he jerks off while Tim tries to sleep next to him in the hotel bed.
(~ It's a messy jerk-off. Eric finishes in bed.)

9:14 PM
Holy shit. That Amy Mann song, "Just like Two Horses", is back.
(~ I know they're pals, but... is it just me or does every Amy Mann song sound the same? Even 'Voices Carry' and 'Time Stand Still'!)

9:16 PM
The mall is a terrifying place. Will Ferrell shoots at Tim and Eric when they walk into his office. At the mall.
(~ They're here to run the mall and make that billion.)
(~ Will Ferrell suggests they sit back and enjoy Top Gun together. On VHS.)
(~ So, they watch it all the way through, then Will Ferrell insists they watch it again. "It literally means the world to me.")

 9:19 PM
There's a sick boy who lives in the mall. His name is Taquito. He's Tim and Eric's problem now. Also, they're gonna have to look out for the wolf. Not a metaphorical wolf. A real wolf. "He'll bite ya!"

 9:20 PM
They seem to think that if Will Ferrell doesn't wink when he tells them they're gonna make a BILLION, then they're guaranteed to make a BILLION.

9:00 PM
Taquito is played by that dude from Boogie Nights. Not Marky Mark. Not Phillip Seymour Hoffman. The other guy. The side-kick. Anyway, he's got a personal theme song that he half-raps, half-pukes. He feels cold, but his body is hot.
(~ John C. Riley! Why can't I ever remember his name? He's awesome!)

9:24 PM
We're treated to an industrial video about how to fire people, shot with real, live retarded folks. It's disturbing, what with all the retarded-style fake crying. "Oh, noooo!" "Wait! Here's your severance package!" Retarded guys hug.  Wow.

9:25 PM
Thirty-three minutes in... Tim and Eric's moms are being roughed up by Robert Loggia and his thugs. Hilarious!

9:28 PM
Some of the stores at Swallow Valley mall...
Zaffer's Music.
Dan's Tiny Baby Outlet. He's only open two days a week.

Dimble's Yogurt. Some folks say it's haunted. By the yogurt man.

Simon's Adult Toys and Gifts. They sell things for mommies and daddies.

EZ Swords. They sell swords.
(Kevin Ford sez: Haha JLB I feel like I don't need to see it now :-) updates are great)

The owner is not a nice man.

9:33 PM
Taquito knows you're supposed to refrigerate taquitos, so that's why he only eats the middles. He isn't meant to live long.
(Orlando Gonzales likes this.)

9:35 PM
41 minutes into Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie, and so far it's better than I'd been led to believe it would be. This "scene in the middle" is the part where all the mall people are gathered for a pep talk from the masterminds behind DOBIS PR (that would be Tim and Eric).

(~ Three Keys to Success? )
(~ ‎1. Get rid of that WOOOOLF!!!)
(~ ‎2. Get rid of the squatters.)
(~ ‎3. Prepare for the GRAND RE-OPENING of the NEW Swallow Valley Mall!)
(~ Caveat: Tim and Eric have absolutely no experience re-opening malls.)

9:38 PM
Reggie sells used toilet paper. There's not a lot of call for that kind of business. It's more of a "gourmet" operation.

(~ Reggie goes into porta-potties, collects the shitty toilet paper, dries it out and re-spools it onto new cardboard rolls. The place smells like po-po. Like shit. And it ain't Eric.)

9:38 PM
The guy who runs EZ Swords doesn't like selling swords. He gets paid by the city NOT to sell swords. So he's a natural adversary for Tim and Eric.

9:41 PM
Tim is taking an unhealthy interest in Reggie's son, "a good sized boy." 

 After shutting down Reg's toilet-paper recycling store, they offer him the janitor job.

Then Tim insists Reg's son call Tim daddy, and refer to his real father as "Uncle Reg" from now on. Nice.

9:43 PM
Ah! Nice! The SHRIM Alternative Healing Center, which is in the Swallow Valley Mall!

It is run by Dr. Doone Strutts, played by the weird daddy from Twin Peaks! I always love seeing his friendly, freakish face!
(Louis Szuch Jr. sez: which weird daddy? there were a few)
(~ The one who it turns out killed his own daughter, Laura.)
(~ The good looking gentleman.)
(Louis Szuch Jr. sez: Ah.....Ray Wise....)
(~ That's the dude.)

(~ Especially in industrial-style videos!)

(~ Shuh-RIM!!!)

(~ Oh, real-life fat chick is fat.)


(Chad Taylor sez: Wow. You have just hijacked the SHIT out of my newsfeed.)
(~ It was my hope to annoy the everloving SHIT out of all my friends tonight. Hope I succeeded!)
(~ Now you don't have to watch the movie!)
(Chad Taylor sez: Well MY bucket list is one item shorter...)

9:46 PM
Katie's Celebrity Balloons! Last stop on the Mall Tour! This is the girl Eric jacked off to in the hotel! He's stumbling and nervous, professes his love immediately!

9:46 PM
Fifty minutes in and this is the first time Eric is meeting the film's romantic love interest! Odd, no? Yes? Shrim? SHRIM!!!!

9:47 PM
Creepy nose-bleed from out of nowhere! Well, actually, from out of Eric's nose, to be technical. Sweet!

9:48 PM
First gut-laugh of the movie involves Tim and a balloon and a surprise popping of a balloon and the look on Tim's face after he surprise-pops a balloon, much to everyone's terrified delight.

9:50 PM
Uh oh! 52 and a half minutes in and we're seeing the first real conflict between Tim and Eric... and it's over a CHICK! And how many times Eric masturbates per day to said chick!

9:51 PM
More retarded actors in an industrial video, fighting over an apple, bite per bite. 

Then we immediately jump to Tim and Eric's moms still being beaten up by the Schlaaang crime family.

Robert Loggia cuts off one of Tim's mom's fingers with his dad's letter opener. Eric's mom is terrified but doesn't know anything.

9:53 PM
55 minutes into Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie and Tim sings a little song to his new son. Time to investigate the haunted Yogurt Place! Is it really haunted by the Yogurt Man?
(~ Aha, seems like the Yogurt Man is really an old, familiar friend... TAQUITO! He tried to convince everyone the mall was haunted because he doesn't want things to change... the poor guy.)

(~ As a condolence prize, Taquito gets to run the mall fountain! He has to maintain it and keep track of all the loose change! How much you wanna bet THAT's a foreshadow?)
(Kevin Ford sez: Consolation prize?)
(~ That's it, Kevin! Sorry, I was typing as fast as I could. My fingers outran my brain.)

9:55 PM
Eric is taking the celebrity balloon lady on a date. Tim gives him a Spanish Fly for the date. Eric asks if he should stick it up his ass. No, Tim says, you have to swallow it.
(~ So Eric takes the Spanish Fly! Oh, this is gonna be fun!)

9:56 PM
Eric takes his date to “Inbreadables” - a bread-based comedy club where they serve food that is mostly made out of bread.

Stand up genius James Quall is the featured performer this evening.

(~ Everything about James Quall SCREAMS childhood sex abuse survivor to me. Know what I mean?)

9:57 PM
Uh oh... the Spanish Fly is kicking in!!!
(~ He's freaking out! He has way too many teeth in his mouth!!!)

(~ Hurry! To the Shrim Healing Center!!!)
(~ Wow. Either Ray Wise is tiny or Eric Wareheim is Tony Robbins-sized.)
(~ ‎"You're in a very bad place. Now, drop those pants.")

10:00 PM
Aw man. One hour and two and a half minutes in and Tim is putting the moves on Eric's girl!!!
(~ He's taking her into the Adult Toys store!!)

10:02 PM
Eric is being subjected to a Shrim bath! The doc's boys have been holding the Shrim inside them for days now, and they can hardly keep it in!

They're preparing to unload the Shrim all over Eric as he sits in his underwear in a bath-tub! GROSS!!!

10:03 PM
And speaking of gross, Tim is getting it on with Eric's woman now!

10:03 PM
Oh, Christ. They're actually showing it. They're showing Eric being subjected to a steaming hot SHRIM BATH!
(~ The doc explains that his boys eat only the finest and softest of meats, so that their Shrim is unmatched! Oh god, the brown, foaming mess... the sounds...)

(~ Meanwhile, Tim is getting corn-holed by the lady!) 

(Giant black dildos up the rear!)

(Carnal pleasures heretofore unknown to mankind!)

(We're talkin' hot and heavy!)

(~ Sweet Christ, Eric just went under in the Shrim-bath, "What Lies Beneath" style!!! GAG!!! ACK!!! SPUTTER!!!)
(~ One hour and six minutes in and I don't know if I can watch anymore.)

(Malcolm Prier ‎sez: "I am in blood
Stepped in so far that, should I wade no more,
Returning were as tedious as go o'er."
- William Shakespeare, Macbeth, 3.4)
(~ It's exactly like that, Malcolm!)
(Malcolm Prier sez: Tough it out.)

10:07 PM
Turns out Tim screwed Katy because she was making Eric soft. Eric insists she was making him hard. Rock hard.

(~ First truly post-modern moment. Tim and Eric step out of the film's reality to explain the "soft, soft, soft... HARD" gag to the audience. They wanted a laugh track but the studio said that would make no sense in a theater context. Think about it.)

10:10 PM
Tim and Eric engage in a fight choreographed to 80's synth rock and it ends up in the mall fountain, where Eric forces Tim to apologize... at which point Tim does so, and Eric finally accepts that Tim screwed Katy to "save" him from her.

10:11 PM
Uh oh! The sword salesman sent a copy of the mall re-opening commercial to the mob dudes! Now they know where Tim and Eric are! DOBIS is screwed!!!

10:13 PM
Uh oh... they forgot about that wolf! Taquito knows what to do. He will need some duct tape and some pizza. What a trooper! Self-sacrifice! Maybe the change in the fountain call-back isn't gonna happen after all...
10:14 PM
1:14 into the movie and Mamma Wolf and Taquito fight, apparently to the double-death.
(~ No! He's ALIVE!!! He killed the wolf and he saved the mall! They're gonna rename the Pizza Court to the Taquito Court!)
(~ Uh oh. He's not gonna last long. It's so cold down there. "Put me to sleep forever.")

10:16 PM
Covered in wolf-bites and shot five times... Taquito still lives... oops, no. He's dead. Thanks Will Ferrell!

10:17 PM
Aha! 1:17:26 into Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie and we first hear the words: "It isn't about the money."
(~ They're gonna be in that mall forever. And their first customers are... the spyglass says it's SCHLAAANG!!! "They found us! Everybody inside! Come on!")

10:19 PM
Slow motion. Heavy metal chug-chug-chug guitars. Lots of guns. "Listen up Tim and Eric! We've got you surrounded! And if you don't come out in 10 seconds we're gonna blow you all to Hell!"
(~ The Sword Guy is pretty proud that he double-crossed Tim and Eric, but when he gets shot at, he changes his pussy-ass tune in a hurry.)

(~ Hey, I think the guy who plays Reggie the toilet paper recycler-cum-janitor is the actor who shot Brandon Lee while filming The Crow. In THIS movie, he gets blown away with bullets. I'd say that's a fair trade.)

(~ Woo! Reggie blows up REAL good!) 


(~"How do you like that, Tim and Eric?!")

10:22 PM
The Sword Guy shit his pants in terror and the smell is getting into Tim's eyes. The sound effects as he runs to get some swords for to defend themselves with are grotesquely hilarious.

(~ ‎"That's for betraying us, Allan!!!" Haha! Great scene!)

10:24 PM
Aw, man! Katie was all set to make Eric the happiest man on Earth when...


(~ Sorry if I'm wrecking it for you.)

10:26 PM
Wow! The power of swords!

And slow motion!

Slow motion beheadings! 

And American Flags superimposed over the screen!



10:29 PM
Holy Cow! Steven Spielberg?!? And David Liebe Hart?!? In the same scene?!? Can the same screen contain all that much genius without exploding... into... SONG?!?
(~ Apparently not, because the screen promptly exploded into song the moment DLH ran across the stage like a piss-spuming puppy who'd been held back for an hour and a half… thank Godzilla.)

10:30 PM
Credits thread!
(~ Yes folks, sadly, the movie is over.)
(~ James Quall is back! Yay!)
(~ ‎"Tim and Eric have done it, yeah!
They made the movie that they wanted to make!
You can tell by the smile on their faces
That they and they got what they shot
And then they puit in the can!")
(~ For the curious, you spell relief "Galifianakis")
(~ Katie was played by an interesting looking lady by the name of Twink Caplan. Hmmm...)
(~ Robert Loggia has never looked more undead. Even in the movie where he played a vampire, he didn't look this undead.)
(~ I repeat, everything about James Quall screams childhood sex abuse survivor to me. Is it uncool to mention that?)
(~ Yes, William "Paycheck" Atherton was in this movie. Forgot to mention that in my running commentary… soon to be published in ebook form for the low, low price of A BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS!!!!)
(~ Oh yeah! The SNL sword-selling guy was Will Forte. He was good.)
(~ Turns out Reggie wasn't played by the actor who killed Brandon Lee after all. Phew!
(~ The Johnny Depp lookalike (Ronnie Rodriguez) doesn't much look like Johnny Depp. At least not for MY money.)
(~ The retarded gentlemen who starred in a couple of industrial shorts in the middle of this flick were called Robert Axelrod and (get this) Tennessee Winston Luke. They starred as "themselves".)
(~ Sunshine and Palmer Scott were the SHRIM GODS! How absolutely fitting.)
(~ What would a Tim and Eric property be without an insufferable ad lib from David Liebe Hart? "Tim and Eric have taken my part away from me like Gary Marshall did to me back with Laverne and Shirley and Happy Days when they chose Robin Williams over me." And you know he believes that, 100 percent.)

10:35 PM
HAHAHAHA!!! T&EB$M was paid for by MARK CUBAN?!?!?! That explains so much. Thank you, executive producer Mark Cuban... for the laughter, and the love. I thank you from the bottom of my brimming tub full of SHRIM!

10:36 PM
“La comedia est FINITA!!!”


  1. Long live JERKY! Long live Tim &Eric! Long live AdultSwim!