DAILY DIRT FOR WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13, 2011

-----TEA PARTY TACTICS EXPOSED-----

Click PLAY on the video below, then keep reading...

The young man in the video above -- a Tea Party activist who, in this video, is training other would-be Tea Party activists -- represents the new breed of foot-soldier in the Conservative Movementarian War against facts, against reason, against honesty, against decency, against common sense and against fair play. 

This war is being waged because all of these attributes and factors tend to work against conservative arguments, beliefs and ideals. The young man all but admits as much in this video. So, what do Conservative Movementarians use instead? Simply listing the opposites of the above-mentioned "Enemies of the Conservative Movement" yields intriguing results. 

Let's see... instead of facts, they've got anecdotes. For instance, say all your arguments for doing away with welfare are proven false by the statistics around the issue. What do you do? Yell loudly about "Cadillac-driving Welfare Queens!!!"

Instead of reason, they've got blind faith. For instance, can't think of a good rational reason to hate gay people? Well then, just point to those parts in the Bible where GOD says to hate gay people! "It's in the BAH-bull!!! Yew ain't gunnah tell me yew don't buh-leev thuh BAH-bull, are yuh?! It's thuh ruh-veeled WURD o' GAWD!!!"

Instead of honesty, they've got lies. Ahem... Rush Limbaugh. Bill O'Reilly. Glenn Beck. Case closed.

Instead of decency, they've got thuggish, bully-boy tactics. It would take a thousand blogs like this one to list just a small fraction of the incidents of conservative violence over the last few decades. And, of course -- just like school-yard bullies and inveterate hypocrites -- they are HUGE whiners, complaining loudly and repeatedly via their community's massive and growing propaganda-spreading media networks whenever someone subjects one of them to the tiniest fraction of the abuse that they heap on their adversaries on a daily basis..

Instead of common sense, they've got bought-and-paid-for "skeptics". 

Instead of fair play, they cheat. The 2000 presidential election. The 2002 mid-term election. The 2004 presidential election. The 2006 mid-terms. All either stolen outright or subject to rampant Conservative Movement tampering and cheating.

All of which begs the question... WHY do conservatives do these things? Why do they use these tactics? They do so because, in the fractured model of reality that they've put together in their twisted minds, it is absolutely imperative that they win... at all costs, and by any means necessary. 

Whether it's by rigging elections, blackmailing political opponents or framing them for crimes they didn't commit. Or, hell, even tampering with brake-lines, small planes, or the minds of easily-manipulated loners who can then be MKUltra'd into committing history-changing assassinations on behalf of the New World Order Powers That Be, using techniques evolved from those of their Third Reich predecessors...

But these are all topics for another day. For the time being, I would just like for everyone to watch the video above, and then ask yourself if it doesn't explain a few things that have been going on around here, recently...

-----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

- Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Dave...

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'
'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'
'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'
'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. 'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'
'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'
'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!'
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'
'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'
'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. 'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
'What are you doing Sister?'
'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner'
'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'
'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!'
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said...
'You fuckers are my kind of people!'

- Today's second joke was sent in by N8Possibilities...

Housework is supposed to be a woman's job, but one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table was set. She was astonished!
It turns out that her husband, Ralph, had read an article that said wives who work full-time and also do housework were almost always too tired to have sex. So he decided to do something about it.
The next day, Jenny told her friends at the office all about it.
"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed it."
"But what about afterward?" asked one of her friends.
"Oh, that. Well... Ralph was too tired!"

- Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal Zafar...

A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian, "Excuse me Miss, do ye huv any books on suicide?"
The librarian looks up and says, "Fuck off! Ye'll no bring it back!"

-----THEY SAID IT!-----

"There is a Gold Standard for democracy. In the closest elections, when we have no idea who won because it's so close, what do we do? We hand count the paper ballots in front of the citizenry. In front of the public. In front of the video cameras. So there is no question about who won or lost that election. ... This is the life blood of this nation. If we can't figure out how to run an election in this country, when they walk away, that the winner and loser can both believe that the results are accurate, then we don't have a democracy."

 - A really, truly excellent bit of oratory from our old pal Brad Friedman this week, as he was sitting in for the vacationing Mike Malloy, on the latter's radio show. Brad is one of the most indefatigable voices on behalf of election reform in America, and it's a good thing for us that he's got an excellent radio voice, because I can see him giving Limbaugh, Hannity, O'Reilly and Beck a run for the money in the very near future. You can either read Brad's entire soliloquy in this Bradblog posting, or you can watch the video, right here and now...

-----ON THIS DAY!-----

On April 13 in the year 1953 -- in a development that was a direct outgrowth of the American Establishment’s disastrous decision to recruit the elite of the Nazi scientific and intelligence communities in order to prevent the Soviets from scooping them up to use against us in the then-brewing Cold War -- CIA director Allen Dulles launches the mind-control program MKULTRA. According to a recently de-classified CIA document from May 5^th, 1955, MKULTRA was devoted to the discovery of the following materials and methods:

1. Substances which will promote illogical thinking and impulsiveness to the point where the recipient would be discredited in public.

2. Substances which increase the efficiency of mentation and perception.

3. Materials which will prevent or counteract the intoxicating effect of alcohol.

4. Materials which will promote the intoxicating effect of alcohol.

5. Materials which will produce the signs and symptoms of recognized diseases in a reversible way so that they may be used for malingering, etc.

6. Materials which will render the indication of hypnosis easier or otherwise enhance its usefulness.

7. Substances which will enhance the ability of individuals to withstand privation, torture and coercion during interrogation and so-called "brainwashing".

8. Materials and physical methods which will produce amnesia for events preceding and during their use.

9. Physical methods of producing shock and confusion over extended periods of time and capable of surreptitious use.

10. Substances which produce physical disablement such as paralysis of the legs, acute anemia, etc.

11. Substances which will produce "pure" euphoria with no subsequent let-down.

12. Substances which alter personality structure in such a way that the tendency of the recipient to become dependent upon another person is enhanced.

13. A material which will cause mental confusion of such a type that the individual under its influence will find it difficult to maintain a fabrication under questioning.

14. Substances which will lower the ambition and general working efficiency of men when administered in undetectable amounts.

15. Substances which will promote weakness or distortion of the eyesight or hearing faculties, preferably without permanent effects.

16. A knockout pill which can surreptitiously be administered in drinks, food, cigarettes, as an aerosol, etc., which will be safe to use, provide a maximum of amnesia, and be suitable for use by agent types on an ad hoc basis.

17. A material which can be surreptitiously administered by the above routes and which in very small amounts will make it impossible for a man to perform any physical activity whatever.

-----ASK JERKY!-----

Hey Jerky! Have you seen anything about the new movie based on the Ayn Rand novel Atlas Shrugged? It comes out this month.  Signed: Jack Frost

Hey, Jack! Yes, as a matter of fact, I have heard a little bit about the upcoming movie adaptation of Atlas Shrugged. Judging by the trailer, below -- and taking into account the fact that a) I recognize absolutely nobody from the cast and b) there's an online petition urging "Rand Fans" to contact their local movie house to get them to screen the flick -- it looks like this is probably a low-budget, independent movie. It also looks like the producers decided to split the thousand-plus-page novel into two movies instead of just one, which seems wise.

Believe it or not, Jack, despite the fact that my disdain for Ayn Rand and her Randroid fans is almost as intense as my disgust at L.Ron Hubbard and Scientologists  -- I am absolutely ready, willing and able to give this movie a chance, purely as a work of cinema. 




After all, just because you're a scumbag fascist, that doesn't mean you can't produce great works of art... right? I count some absolute, incontrovertible monsters among my favorite stylists of prose and verse. Besides, I'm actually kind of curious to see how modern film-makers will approach the clotted verbiage and clunking metaphors of Rand's novel. Who knows? We might end up with a Mystery Science Theater 3000-worthy classic, like director King Vidor's fucking hilarious 1949 film of Rand's earlier work, The Fountainhead!


Here's the trailer. What do YOU guys think?

GLENN BECK, THE PUDGY FACE OF ABSOLUTE HYPOCRISY

In this video, lifted from The Daily Show, Lewis Black takes Glenn Beck apart so expertly and so absolutely, it wouldn't surprise yer old pal Jerky if it actually played a role in Fox News finally deciding to ditch this blubbering, self-aggrandizing shit-bag hypocrite asshole. So Black probably did the world a public service... and he was damn funny while doing it, to boot. Watch and enjoy!

DAILY DIRT FOR TUESDAY, APRIL 12, 2011

------BITS AND PIECES!------

• A really short one for you today, as I'm doing some freelance work to keep from being evicted. Enjoy!
• Ewww.... chicks with Steve Buscemi eyes! Not a good look... not at all a good look.
• Anybody out there remember Leisure Suit Larry? Our old pal Mad Tom sure does, and he wants me to let all you guys out there know that the game lives on, even if only as a bunch of Youtube videos! Check out this one to refresh your memory about the days when games required a lot more imagination from their players than they do these days...

 

-----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

- Just one really bad one today, submitted by our old pal Trembly Dale. It sucks.

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang.
He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights.
"What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

-----ON THIS DAY!-----

On April 12 in 1638, the Roman Catholic legal body known as the Inquisition begins its trial of Galileo Galilei. The famed scientist and astronomer was charged on suspicion of heresy, and was ultimately found “vehemently suspect” of holding the opinion that -- contrary to Holy Scripture -- the Sun, and not the Earth, is at the center of the Universe. By the end of his trial, Galileo was sentenced to imprisonment “at the pleasure of the Inquisition”… and a great deal of pleasure did the religious authorities of the day derive from their victory over that arrogant upstart, the scientific method, you can be sure. Galileo’s works were gathered up and destroyed, and further publications were forbidden. He was held under house arrest for the rest of his natural life, during which time he wrote one of his most important works: Two New Sciences. Fortunately, Galileo was allowed a certain degree of freedom during this time, and was allowed to have visitors. Two of these visitors were the world-historic philosophers Thomas “Leviathan” Hobbes and Rene “Cogito Ergo Sum” Descartes.

On this day in 1861, the first shot of the American Civil War is fired by a Confederate soldier in the general direction of Fort Sumter, in the harbour of Charleston, South Carolina. By the time the last shot of the war is fired, more Americans will have died in that conflict than in World War I, World War II, the Korean Conflict and Vietnam… COMBINED. It was a goddamn bloodbath.

On this day in 1945, at 3:35 in the afternoon, during the fourth month of his fourth term in office, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt dies of a massive cerebral haemorrhage at the age of 63. His vice president, Harry Truman, assumes the Presidency later that same day.

On this day in 1961, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin becomes the first human being to travel into outer space and perform the first manned orbital flight. From agrarian peasant feudalism to the loftiest heights of scientific achievement in a mere three generations? Way to go, you communist Rooskie bastards!

On this day in 1968, the Skull Valley Sheep Kill takes place. A rancher came upon a startling scene when he went to check on his herds of sheep. Six thousand of the fluffy white creatures, which had been grazing peaceably on a piece of property in Utah, all mysteriously and simultaneously dropped dead for some reason. That reason most likely had something to do with their neighbors, the military’s Dugway Proving Ground, where locals had always suspected chemical weapons were tested, despite the government’s absolute and implacable silence on the issue. In fact, government silence on the topic was so complete and so long-lasting that it wasn’t until three DECADES after the incident that a Defense Department report was made public, revealing that OF COURSE the animals were killed by a leak of deadly VX nerve gas, and OF COURSE the military knew all about it, for fuck’s sake. 

On this day in 1994, the first massive commercial Usenet SPAM message is posted by the husband-and-wife lawyer team of Laurence Canter and Martha Siegel. The couple splash their “Green Card Lottery” SPAM across a grand total of 5,500 Usenet discussion groups, pissing off everyone from Trekkies to Furries to the 7 dedicated members of the alt.binaries.images.sex.fetish.erotica.Gillian-Anderson-head-on-other-womens-bodies newsgroup. And yet… it worked! In a 1994 interview, Canter & Siegel claim to have gained a thousand new clients and earned over a hundred thousand dollars with an ad that cost pennies. Insert your own Christian Bale "Good for you” sound effect, here.

-----ASK JERKY!-----

Dear Jerky; Last year I had my already low wage cut about 60 cents an hour, but I didn't even notice it until long after I'd done a routine cleaning out of my old pay stubs. What should I do? (PS - Ya happy now?!) Signed: Malc

Actually, Malc, seeing as yer old pal Jerky is, himself, in a similar situation, I sure frickin' wish I knew what you should do. Oh, and no, I am NOT happy now.

DAILY DIRT FOR MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2011

------BITS AND PIECES!------

• Did you ever notice how, when you check out a news story to which that egg-sucking freak Matt Drudge has provided a link, the comments section is invariably brimming with a seemingly endless roll-call of vomitous doggerel being spewed by his knuckle-dragging, sub-mongoloid, conservative movementarian cohort? Did you ever notice that? Well, yer old pal Jerky sure has, and I think it's high time we pay this putrid phenomenon its proper due by sticking it with a name. Perhaps when a link has been flooded with faux outrage by Drudge's army of mindless inbred zombie drones, we could say it has been "egged", in honor of the fedora-wearing high-school dropout's penchant for cracking raw eggs all over himself and his same-sex partners as they screw themselves silly atop the pile of payola he's collected from various shadowy fascist groups over the years. I'm open to any and all suggestions on this topic. If you've got a suggestion, please leave it in the comments section below, or email it to me and I'll make a list of the top suggestions. Then we can put it to a vote or something.
• Photographer/artist Chris Jordan has a website where he showcases the amazing results of his ongoing project in high-resolution photography. Yer old pal Jerky thinks his work is just fucking magnificent. I won't bother explaining it beyond telling you that it deals with consumerism and representations of the critical masses that result from that consumption. It's compelling, thought-provoking stuff.
• Our old pal Sixlegged writes in to inform me that he went out looking to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but he couldn't find any.

-----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

- Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Richard O...

Down in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. So, Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge -- into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' bout the good ole days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up, "Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

- Today's second joke was sent in by Tucker...

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line... just one person in front of me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change? yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
Furious, the Asian guy replies, "Fluck you white guys, too!"

- Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal Ben Brockliss, that maggot-gagging bastard...

A guy goes to the Doctor and says "I've got a problem Doc, everytime I look in the mirror, I get an errection!"
The Doctor says "That's because you look like a cunt!"

-----THEY SAID IT!-----

"The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg. Every American seems to care only about The Sound of Music. The occasional Japanese wants to see Hitler's birthplace in Braunau. But for the British, it's all about Fucking."

- Honestly, folks, this story isn't about what you're thinking it's about...

_____________

"It's not where you take things from. It's where you take them to."

- French filmmaker Jean-Luc Goddard has a little something to say about "plagiarism".

-----ON THIS DAY!-----

On April 11 in the year 1775, for the last time on European soil, an individual found guilty of the crime of witchcraft is killed in an official, state-sanctioned execution, in Germany.

On this day in 1868, shogun Tokugawa Yoshinobu surrenders Edo Castle to Imperial forces, marking the end of Japan's shogun era and the beginning of the Meiji Restoration. This development came about partly because, after American Commodore Matthew Perry showed up in Japan accompanied by an impressive fleet of technologically advanced warships, Japanese elites collectively freaked out. They hatched a plan to get rid of the samurai class and the feudal, agrarian system over which they presided and replace it with a more forward-thinking oligarchy, headed up by a hereditary figurehead, the aforementioned Emperor Meiji. In less than half a century, the combination of rapid cultural change, techno-fetishism, the sublimation of a disgruntled samurai remnant and increasingly obsessive Emperor worship would lead to some of the most unfortunate chapters in the history of all mankind.

On this day in 1876, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks is first organized. They remain one of the leading fraternal orders in the United States, with over one million dues-paying members.

On this day in 1951, less than four months after its theft from Westminster Abbey by Scottish nationalist university students, the Stone of Scone is discovered hidden beneath the altar of Arbroath Abbey in Scotland. The origins of the so-called "Stone of Destiny", which played a minor role in the recent film The King's Speech, is shrouded in mystery. Some claim that it dates back to Antiquity, or even that it is the legendary "Stone of Jacob", the rock upon which the biblical patriarch was resting his head when he was delivered a "divine revelation" from Jehovah, as detailed in the Book of Genesis. But it's probably just a rock.

On this day in 1961, the trial of fugitive Nazi technocrat Adolf Eichmann begins in Jerusalem. After World War II, Eichmann had fled to Argentina under an assumed name, where he worked for Mercedes-Benz until he was identified, located, then kidnapped by the Mossad, who brought him to Israel to stand trial for his central role in organizing the Holocaust. He was found guilty and hanged in 1962, the only person ever to be executed in Israel based on the findings of a civilian court.

On this day 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act into existence, prohibiting discrimination in the sale, rental, and financing of housing to individuals based on their race. At the time, pondering the effect this might have on voters in the formerly Democratic-leaning South, Johnson is said to have said: "We've lost them for a generation." It turns out he was way too optimistic.

This day in 2001 saw the ignominious conclusion to the Hainan Island Incident, the first real crisis of Preznit Dubya's heart-breaking White House career. On April Fools Day, an American spy plane had to make an emergency landing on a Chinese island after being bumped out of the sky by a Chinese fighter jet. It was on this day, ten days later, that the 24 American crew members were released by the Chinese government, but not before the White House issued a groveling apology, which they preferred to characterize as "an expression of regret and sorrow" over the death of the Chinese driver... I mean pilot. A coincidence of note is that the American aircraft was a Navy EP-3E ARIES II signals intelligence aircraft, and the incident took place while the sun was in the Zodiac House of Aries. Aries is ruled by the planet Mars, God of War.

And, finally -- last but definitely not least -- on this day in 2002, an attempted coup d'état takes place in Venezuela, resulting in the temporary ouster of President Hugo Chávez. If you relied on Western media to inform you about those infuriating, exasperating, incredibly inspiring days, then you have no idea what happened. I strongly urge you to give your undivided attention to the documentary, The Revolution Will Not Be Televised, embedded below. It's one of the most important documents ever produced in terms of its revelations about the the true nature, focus and direction of American policy towards Latin America. Just watch it. From beginning to end. I'm serious. It will infuriate you.

-----ASK JERKY!-----

Hello there, JERKY! I am 23, a guy, go to college in the bay area. I have two room-mates. One of them is a guy and he is a year younger than me. I don't think of myself as a what people call a 'queer' or 'fag'. But I am strongly attracted to my roomate. We really enjoy each other's company and do a lot of things together. The only thing missing is a phsyical relationship and it seems so natural that we should take that next step. He doesnt have a girlfriend and I have never seen him go out on dates with women. There have been moments when I was sure he was thinking the same thing as me but I didnt have the nerve to lean over and kiss him. If he is not gay that is fine too- I respect people's limits. But how can I find out what hes feelng about the situation without freaking him out and driving him to move out? Signed: RAMAR

Dear RAMAR; no matter what you do, you'll never be able to control his reactions. However, the way I see it, there are only two possible ways of dealing with this situation. The first way is, I think, the best. I call it the "Band-Aid" method (you know how when you take a Band-Aid off quickly it hurts less than if you do it slow?). Just strip buck-naked, walk into his room with your cock in your hand and an inquisitive look on your face. When he turns around, shrug nonchalantly and ask: "Want some?" There will be no ambiguity in his response, I guarantee you that. The second method is the "slow burn." Rent a soft-core European porn video featuring both hetero and homo sex scenes. Watch it with him. During the scenes with chicks, watch his expression. Try to detect any arousal. If he remains stone-faced throughout, wait for the fag scenes, then sneak up behind him and shove your cock in his armpit.

(PS - This is a repeat from, like, 2002. Do you know why? Because I haven't gotten any requests for ADVICE yet! Hurry up and send me some questions, you ingrates! Send them to jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com... NOW! - YOPJ)

IT GETS WORSE...

Just in time for the most pagan of all "Christian" holidays, our old pal Sixlegged (PBUH) regretfully informs us that, yes, it IS possible to make Rebecca Black's execrable Friday song even worse than it already is. According to Sixer: "religious propaganda piggybacking on pop culture is like a quinine and eel asshole casserole." After subjecting himself to the parody in question, yer old pal Jerky would have to concur. But you can go ahead and judge for yourself...

No... words... Should have sent... a poet...

DAILY DIRT FOR SUNDAY, APRIL 10, 2011

------BITS AND PIECES!------

• The Chinese couple in the apartment right next to mine have a baby daughter. Each and every morning around 6 AM, just like clockwork, the kid begins to shriek and blubber and bawl like she's being torn apart by wild dogs. I'm talking gasping, choking, screaming, howling banshee wails of total and utter Apocalyptic despair, here. It wakes me up and puts me in an extremely foul mood every fucking morning (it just happened now, in fact), and, every morning, I fantasize about smashing through the wall like the Kool Aid Guy and booting that monstrous little toad right through the fucking window. One or two times I've actually pounded my meaty mitts against the walls and shouted: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO IT?!" Oh well... I'm up now. Might as well get today's Dirt finished and posted.
• Our old pal Daddybear (PBUH) recently sent yer old pal Jerky a set of instructions on how to make Kool Aid wine. I tried it out, and I can vouch for the fact that it is a fun, extremely easy way to make very cheap but drinkable alcohol. It won't replace a nice beer or wine, but it's perfect for those occasions when you need plenty of cheap booze. The initial equipment investment is about $5, and ingredients will usually only cost you about $4 for 4L of wine. The alcoholic content usually settles at between 8% and 10%, which ain't bad at all. If it takes you (or the waffle house waitress you're trying to seduce) a litre of the stuff to get wasted, that translates into $1 for one night! You just can't beat that price. The stuff is drinkable after about 2 weeks, but improves greatly after 3 to 4 weeks. So go ahead, what are you waiting for? Get out there, DIY and enjoy! 
• For any of you out there who still think Obama is worth cheering over, here are a bunch of paintings of America's latest Caretaker Preznit by Dan Lacey, the "Pancake Painter", featuring him in the nude, riding unicorns, defeating a pink dolphin-riding Sarah Palin and a bloated, flying Rush Limbaugh, among other visual delights. Enjoy.
• Hey! Do you guys like the fact that I'm changing the Daily Dirt Diaspora "header" at the top of this page every few days? So far I've mostly stuck to images of interesting things I've seen on the news -- Japanese rescue workers praying over wooden coffins, a refugee tent camp in Libya -- but today I used an image just because I thought it was freakin' cool. Space photography rocks, does it not? Anyway, if you come across an image that you think might make a good temporary header for the DDD, please send it to yer old pal Jerky via the usual channels. Hell, you can even go ahead and put in the text if you want! Just make sure the final image is no more than 830 and no less than 820 pixels wide.

-----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

- Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Wade Sharp...

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How ya doin' me bucko?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do us a favour, mate. Run upstairs and get me slippers. Me feet are freezing!"
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with the both of you."
They say, "Get stuffed! He would never."
So Mick shouts downstairs: "Hey, Paddy! Did you mean both of em?"
To which Paddy shouts back: "Of course both of em! What's the point of fuckin' one?!"

- Today's second joke was sent in by Naveed...

A man had just settled into his seat on the plane when another man sits down and puts his dog in the seat between them.
The first man looks at the dog and asks how it can be allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is with the DEA and that this is a Sniffer Dog. "His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne."
The plane takes off, and the agent says: "Watch this."
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy! That woman is in possession of marijuana. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat!" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. He sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine. He'll be arrested when we land, also."

"I like it!! says his seat mate.
The agent tells Smithy to head out for another run. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a while, sits down for a moment, then comes racing back to the agent, whereupon he jumps into the middle seat and shits all over the place.
The first man can't figure out how such a well-trained dog could behave like this. He give the agent a curious look.
To which the agent replies in a low whisper: "Smithy just located a bomb."

- Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal Saint Andy, and at least it's short...

Q: How can you tell two lesbians are identical twins?
A: They lick alike!

-----THEY SAID IT!-----

"What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and me? I give private information on corporations to you for free and I'm a villain. Zuckerberg gives your private information to corporations for money and he's Man of the Year."

- Wikileaks founder Julian Assange.

_____________

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."

- The late, great Kurt Vonnegut.

-----ON THIS DAY!-----

On April 10 in the year 1606, the Charter of the Virginia Company of London is established by royal charter by King James I of England. In December of that same year, 144 men and boys set out on a ship from Blackwall, London, to establish the colony. The voyage takes 144 days -- far longer than usual -- and 40 passengers die along the way. After that, things really go South...

On this day in 1710, the Statute of Anne enters into force in Great Britain. It is the first ever law to regulate copyright. Contrary to popular assumption, copyright law originally had little or nothing to do with protecting the rights of authors as regards securing access to potential revenue that their work might generate. Rather, it represented a government effort to regulate and control the potentially subversive output of that new-fangled contraption known as the printing press.

On this day in 1904, in Cairo, Egypt, British mystic Aleister Crowley transcribes the third and final chapter of his Liber AL Vel Legis, also known as The Book of The Law. It all began when, during a trip to Egypt, Crowley performed a ritual to invoke the Egyptian deity Thoth. Soon afterwards, his then-wife, Rose Kelly, went into a light trance, repeatedly telling Crowley: "They are waiting for you."  Because Kelly had previously shown little interest in occult matters, Crowley ignored her. But then, one day, the couple paid a visit to Egypt's Buluq Museum, where Kelly was able to find, identify and (most importantly) explain the Stele of Revealing, an ancient Egyptian artifact. This convinced Crowley that Kelly was being truthful, so he began paying attention, at which point his Holy Guardian Angel, a being by the name of Aiwass, dictated the entirety of the Book of the Law through Kelly, whose words were dutifully transcribed by Crowley. The Stele, by the way, is currently tucked hidden away in a disused corner of the Cairo Museum. As the central artifact in one of the most controversial New Religious Movements of the 20th century, it appears to be a source of embarrassment. Recently, an associate of yer old pal Jerky's hunted down the Stele and shot some footage of it on his camera phone. That video, now...

On this day in 1912, the Titanic leaves port in Southampton, England, for her first and only voyage.

On this day in 1919, Mexican Revolution leader Emiliano Zapata is ambushed and shot dead by government forces in Morelos.

On this day in 1972, 74 nations sign the Biological Weapons Convention, the first multilateral disarmament treaty banning the production of biological weapons. Shortly thereafter, HIV and AIDS begin  working their Satanic magic, depopulating the resource-rich African continent. As an added bonus, they also begin to "deal with" America's troublesome homosexual and intravenous drug using communities. By the way, to those debunkers who claim that "conspiracy theories" about AIDS can be proven wrong simply by identifying strains that existed prior to that point in history where the transmission vector becomes so incredibly suspicious, I say to you, does the fact that a rock might be millions of years old mean that it can't be used to bash in another person's skull?

One year ago today, on this day in 2010, Polish Air Force Tu-154M -- carrying a Polish delegation en route to Katyn to attend a ceremony marking the 70th anniversary of the Katyn Massacre in which the Soviets killed about 22,000 Polish military officers -- crashes near Smolensk, Russia, killing all 96 passengers. Among those killed were President Lech Kaczyński and dozens of senior Polish officials, including former President-in-exile Ryszard Kaczorowski, Poland's top military brass, lawmakers, heads of the Polish National Bank and other central institutions, presidential aides, bishops and priests of various denominations, relatives of those killed in the Katyn massacre, as well as officers of the presidential security detail and crew members. Here is the text of the speech that President Kaczyński was supposed to deliver that day.

-----ASK JERKY!-----

Hey Jerky! I know you want people to write you with their problems and ask you for your advice, but I'm gonna flip that around on you. I've got some advice for you. Always remember that whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So that means if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit. Signed: Ridgeway

Dude, if any woman would have me, that would SO be going up on my refrigerator! Unfortunately, seeing as I am now and will forever be alone, all I can do is fantasize about catching grief from "the Old Lady". Kinda pathetic when even the bad times look like good times.

DAILY DIRT FOR SATURDAY, APRIL 9, 2011

------BITS AND PIECES!------

• Welcome to the first "whole Dirt in a single post" edition of the Daily Dirt! I, yer old pal Jerky, shall endeavor to produce one of these all-encompassing posts each and every day, along with supplemental posts and links that I will post intermittently as the need and/or occasion arises. So, from now on, all the JOKES and QUOTES will be found in this daily section, which will be titled "Daily Dirt for (insert the date)". So if you come to the site and the first thing you see is, like, some strange video, or a long-winded essay or something, just scroll down and you're sure to find that day's Dirt somewhere near the top! Anyway, I hope you appreciate everything I'm doing for you, you dirty sons of bitches!
• Here's a hilarious bit of trivia to get any right-thinking individual's blood boiling. You know how one of the conservative movement's long-standing goals is the destruction of any and all forms of public broadcasting in America? That includes the already fund-starved National Public Radio and Public Broadcasting System. They say they want to de-fund these institutions because they're a drain on the public purse, and because they do stuff that's already being done by commercial, profit-driven media like talk radio and, say, A&E. Now, whether or not Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Michael the Savage Weiner do anything to inspire and educate their listeners, and whether or not Dog the Bounty Hunter and a half-dozen shows about goddamn wedding cakes constitutes either "Art" or "Entertainment"... that's a topic for another rant. I would like to point out, however, that, last year, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting received $420 million from the federal government. In the same time period, the fundamentalist evangelical "Christian" university founded by Jerry Fucking Falwell received HALF A BILLION DOLLARS in federal money. That's right... Liberty University -- just one of many such bigot-creating brainwash centers currently operating in the good old USA -- is not only an accredited institution of higher learning, it is also the #1 recipient of Pell Grant money in the state of Virginia. This, despite the fact that their biology department teaches its students something called Young Earth Creationism. Somebody refresh my memory, here, but isn't there something in the Constitution about "separation between Church and State"? 
• You know, it occurs to yer old pal Jerky that the main difference between Islam and Christianity is that Muslims know they're slaves. They embrace it. The word "Islam" literally means "submission". Meanwhile, Christians go around talking about how they've been "saved" and "set free" by their Lord and Savior, the Messiah... but it's a lie. In truth, they're waiting and praying for the day when King Jesus comes down from the Heavens to kick all those unbelieving smarty-pants atheists into the Abyss, where they will spend a billion eternities regretting not regretting taking a bite of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. To put it succinctly, most Christians are desperate to be freed from the terrible freedom of being free.
• As if you needed more evidence to prove that cult leader Ayn Rand and her devoted army of pseudo-intellectually identical "Randroids" suck diarrhea through a see-through straw, along comes a tale of objectivism-fueled emotional neglect that almost beggars belief.

-----JOKES OF THE DAY!-----

- Today's first joke comes to us from our old pal Russell Vox...

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. 

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. 

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. 

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said. "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up!"
- Today's second joke was sent in by Dave A...

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons and watch the girls and discuss world problems. 

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. Then one day Sam approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I've been in jail."
"Jail?!" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty."
"So that's why you've been in jail?"

"Not exactly. The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

- Today's worst joke was submitted by our old pal Sixxlegged, who ought to be ashamed of himself...

One day, a loose string went into a bar and asked for a drink. The bartender said:, "We don't serve loose strings in here. Get the hell out right now."
So, then the string went into the men's room and proceeded to tie himself into a knot. Then he messed up his hair really good and went back into the bar. He bellied up to the bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
The the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the same loose string I just threw out of here?"
And the string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot."

-----THEY SAID IT!-----

"Run away, as quickly as possible."

- Natalia Manzurova, one of the few survivors among those directly involved in the long cleanup of Chernobyl, has a short-but-simple message for the people who live near the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant in Japan.

_____________

"These funds are authorized by Congress and Congress is elected by voters. I've always been in the position where I believe I’m a steward of those federal funds. I’m a steward of tax-payer money."

- "Doctor" Robert Ritz, gooey fundamentalist "Christian" tubalard and Liberty University's director of financial aid, explains why he thinks the so-called "university" founded by retarded bigot Jerry Falwell using federal funds does NOT run counter to its so-called "conservative" so-called "values". See the first story in today's Bits and Pieces for the whole story.

-----ON THIS DAY!-----

On April 9 in the year 2003, after the application of a little "Shock and Awe" by the Coalition of the Willing, the city of Baghdad falls to advancing American forces. In the center of the city, a statue of Saddam Hussein is pulled down in what the mainstream media described as regular, everyday Iraqis turning on symbols of their former leader. In fact, that's still the way Wikipedia portrays those events. In reality, however, even the Pentagon was forced to admit that the whole thing was a stage-managed psychological operation. Oh well, it might have been a Big Lie, but at least it ended the war!

-----ASK JERKY!-----

Hey Jerky! Has anybody sent you any advice column questions yet? Signed: Lap D'Lo Rey


Dear Lap D'Lo Rey; Actually, now that you mention it, no, I have NOT received any requests for advice about anything yet. Not about love and relationships, not about penis size or semen volume... nothing! Nada! Zilch! So why don't you guys get on that, eh? Send me some QUESTIONS already!

READER APPRECIATION PHOTO-CHOP #00003!

BITS AND PIECES - INNOCENT QUESTIONS

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000001 ~ With the news yesterday that Kevin "K-Meth" Federline -- the once and former Mister Britney Spears -- is about to become a father for the fifth time, and with his third baby-mama, isn't it time for the United Nations to step in and begin enforcing all those resolutions against biological terrorism? Someone needs to protect the gene pool from this wigger wannabe douche-bag and his Testicles of Mass Destruction, but pronto.

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000002 ~ After the scrap-metal scavenging antics of 75-year-old Georgian grandmother Hayastan Shakarian accidentally led to the entire nation of Armenia being cut off from the Internet for 12 whole hours, one question looms large: How did the world's unibrow fetishists cope with being cut off from all their favorite cam-whores? For those unlucky few, truly this was the day the fapping died...

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000003 ~ Whether it happens in the vacuum of sub-orbital space, or the crushing blackness  at the bottom of the Marianas Trench, you gotta know that, whenever Sir Richard Branson kicks the bucket, it's gonna be really fuckin' funny. Which kinda makes you wonder: why would a billionaire want to kill himself so badly?

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000004 ~ Who was the lucky lady who got to conduct the research and collect the data that went into putting together this global index of national penis size averages... and is she still sore?

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000005 ~ Should Charlie Sheen consent to doing an interview with me when he comes through Toronto next week? I promise to be respectful and I think I might be able to steer him in conversational directions that he would greatly appreciate. Besides, one of his shows is being held on my birthday, for cryin' out loud! What could be more perfect?!

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000006 ~ Looking at Karima el-Mahroug -- a.k.a. Ruby, the Moroccan runaway who allegedly played bunga-bunga with Italian PM Benito Berlusconi when she was only 17 -- I have to wonder, considering all the other shit Il Douche is guilty of doing, is this really the "crime" that his foes should be hanging their prosecutorial hopes on? I mean, for fuck's sake... just LOOK at her!!!

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000007 ~ Who farted?

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000008 ~ Hey, James Franco... I see that you're trying to spread your wings a little these days. Aside from being a critically acclaimed actor in such successful films as the Spider-Man franchise, Milk, 127 Hours and Pineapple Express, I see that you're lobbying hard to be allowed to direct the film version of Cormac McCarthy's notoriously difficult and complex novel of epic violence in the untamed West, Blood Meridian. I also see that you're getting involved with the McSweeney's gang, getting some stories published, interviewing other artists, and that you're even undertaking an MFA so that people can't say you're not taking it seriously. Now I see that you want to be a correspondent for The Colbert Report. I guess my Innocent Question to you is, would you fucking FUCK OFF, ALREADY, FRANCO?!?! Leave some fucking oxygen for the rest of us, guy! Sheesh!

INNOCENT QUESTION #00000009 ~ As England's Prince William's wedding to cutie-pie Kate Middleton steadily approaches, all the various celebrity-oriented media outlets are tripping over each others' dicks to tell us all about every detail. Yesterday, I was reading one of those free newspapers on the subway, and it had an article on "bridal gowns of the rich and royal" with photographs spanning the last few decades. The featured images were of 1. Grace Kelly getting married to Prince Rainier of Monaco, 2. Lady Diana Spencer getting married to Prince Charles, and 3. Carolyn Bessette getting married to John Kennedy Junior. Hmmm... let's see... #1 died in a horrific car crash. #2 died in a horrific car crash. #3 died in a horrific plane crash. Were they trying to tell this Middleton girl something? Run, girl... RUN!!!

THE MOST USELESS MACHINE, EVER!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The point is that Republicans are always trying talking about deregulation and big government. But I say their philosophy is small government for the big guy and big government for the little guy. And so, if my wife's uterus was incorporated, or my friend's bedroom was incorporated, maybe the republicans would be talking about deregulating."

- The words of Democratic Florida State Representative Scott Randolph have inspired ACLU Florida to start a movement and create a website urging Florida women to "incorporate their uteri" in an effort to keep Republicans from sticking their noses up there, uninvited. The Republican response? They condemned Randolph's language and BANNED THE USE OF THE WORD UTERUS on the floor. That reaction is so absolutely perfect, it almost makes me want to cry.

QUOTES OF THE DAY

"The Republicans wanted $65 million in spending cuts. We offered $35 million. They turned us down. So we agreed with the $65 million. And they turned that down, too. The Republicans are refusing to take YES for  an answer." 

- Senator Harry Reid (D-Nutless) went on CNN this week and, in the span of six Hemingway-length sentences, inadvertently revealed exactly what's wrong with America's Democratic establishment.

***

"I haven't gotten a dick picture in a long time. I think people are a little afraid. It can turn out bad."

- Aw... poor l'il Rihanna! The sexy Bajan pop tart whined to Rolling Stone Magazine about the awful backlash she's had to endure ever since some of her private "sextings" were accidentally intercepted, then released to the public.

THE PETRO-CYCLE, EXPLAINED!

READER APPRECIATION PHOTO-CHOP #00002!

NAGGING DOUBTS ABOUT THE PHILOSOPHY OF POWER - PART 1

Sorry for the tardiness of this edition, folks, but yer old pal Jerky is grappling with a crippling case of writer's block… again. It's a particularly nasty block this time, with a multiplicity of causes, none of which are easily resolved or explained. Nevertheless, as an exercise in piercing this vexing mental membrane, I will attempt to do so. I request your patience for the next few paragraphs.

As far as I can tell, the roots of this current blockage are three-fold.

First is a nagging self-doubt. I have increasingly come to feel that -- especially but not exclusively as regards matters relating the global realpolitik - my opinions and suspicions are neither sufficiently grounded in verifiable data, nor all that interesting to anyone other than myself, to merit publication. This is due to a number of factors, not least of which is the increasing and calculated pollution of the media streams which constitute the sum totality of my information gathering resources.

Corporate journalism is hopelessly compromised by trickledown meddling from management, ownership and above. The alternative media -- always something of a haven for attention-craving crackpots with dubious hidden agendas -- now play host to a growing number of agents provocateur. These PsyOps warriors dispense expertly crafted disinformation designed to send would-be truth-seekers dashing madly off in all directions, chasing wild geese, red herrings and jackalopes. Perfect cover for the crimes of their elite clientele.

Knowing that most of the writers whose opinions I respect drink from the same poisoned well as I do only serves to compound my despair. How can you trust your instincts when you can't even trust the information on which said instincts are based?

Which brings me to my second problem: outrage fatigue. Today, after six years of writing about The Powers That Be getting away with literal and metaphorical murder, I feel as though I know how Sisyphus felt as he rolled that boulder up the hill, over and over again, only to watch it tumble back to the bottom every time he came close to reaching the top. I imagine it's the exact same kind of fatigue which has caused Capitol Hill Blue founder Doug Thompson to finally call it quits. From his 'no mas' farewell editorial:

"I'm tired and this tilting at windmills business is exhausting. I've been writing about the foibles, corruption and misdeeds of politicians for more than 40 years but the system we have today is worse than ever. I'm no longer sure that trying to educate a deaf audience through journalism is worth the time or the effort."

While yer old pal Jerky isn't quite arrogant enough to consider himself an educator, he certainly groks Thompson's sentiment. So many Daily Dirt readers, with the best of intentions, write me, asking: "Why haven't you written anything about the missing White House e-mails, or that creepy Negroponte's appearance before the Senate Intelligence Committee, or the leaked documents that show Bush and Blair were planning to trick Saddam into war, or the missing billions in Iraqi reconstruction funds, or Halliburton's new no-bid contract to build detention camps on American soil?"

My (so far unspoken) answer to these questions is an exasperated "What's the fucking point?" Writing about the crimes of The Powers That Be is beginning to feel like performing surgery on myself without anesthesia. It hurts like hell, and I only have a vague hint as to what I'm doing, which means I'll likely fuck it up in the long run.

Which brings me to my third problem: Disillusionment.

According to legend, the last words spoken by Hassan i-Sabbah - the Old Man of the Mountain, head of the Order of Assassins -- were: "Nothing is true; everything is permitted." It is a maxim that makes explicit the fundamental idea at the heart of existentialism, that every individual is free to do whatever he is capable of doing. Utterly and terribly free. Ethics, morals, religious precepts, laws; all are artificial constructs created by men of greater or lesser wisdom, and all may be ignored by any individual or group possessing sufficient will and determination.

In other words, when Thrasymachus told Socrates: "justice is the advantage of the stronger", and that "injustice, if it is on a large enough scale, is stronger, freer, and more masterly than justice", he was right. The idea that the United States is a nation of laws is, and perhaps has always been, a lie. Maybe there's some truth to the idea that it's a "noble lie" in the tradition of Leo Strauss and his neoconservative disciples -- heirs to Thrasymachus' philosophy of power, via Machiavelli, Hobbes and Nietzsche -- but it remains a lie. Maybe our problem isn't that we're being lied to. Maybe our problem is that we're being lied to poorly.

And anyway, what good does it do us to know that it's a lie? That there is no set of rules that can't be gamed, that even commandments etched in stone can be chipped and chiseled away, given the right tools and mindset? In the bible, God forbade Adam and Eve to eat fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. The philosopher John Stuart Mill declared, only half jokingly, that "ignorance is bliss". In The Big Lebowski, Walter salves his friend's angst by declaring: "Fuck it, dude. Let's go bowling." I, for one, am beginning to think these gentlemen were on to something.

Are you confused? Are you sick of it all? Are you ready to call it quits and throw in the towel? Do you secretly wonder if it's you, not them? Are you constantly amazed by the daily parade of bald-faced liars who force their way into your living room and spew demonstrably ridiculous propaganda in your face as though their very lives depended on it?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then at least you know you're not alone.

(This editorial originally ran in the Daily Dirt on Febuary 2, 2006, but remains absolutely relevant to where yer old pal Jerky finds himself today. - YOPJ)