WHY LIBYA AND NOT YEMEN? BAHRAIN?

Scottish politician/activist George Galloway thinks he knows the answer, and it's only three letters long. O-I-L...

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Attempts to undermine the legitimate currency of this country are simply a unique form of domestic terrorism. While these forms of anti-government activites do not involve violence, they are every bit as insidious and represent a clear and present danger to the economic stability of this country."

- US Attorney Anne Tompkins adds insult to usury after Bernard von NotHaus was found guilty of "domestic terrorism" for creating and marketing the Liberty Dollar - a gold and silver alternative currency that has been in circulation for a decade. Oh, just one more thing. I've seen a lot of comments at various news sites claiming Obama was behind this - kind of like when they blamed Ruby Ridge on Clinton/Reno, even though that happened a year and a half before Clinton was even elected. In this case, the investigation and raid on NotHaus' company took place under Preznit Dubya's watch. Here is the best, most concise and balanced summation of this troubling story that I have yet to come across.

***

"I stoned Murray with a rock in a sock."

- Here's another bit of exhibit to add to the Himalayan-sized mound of evidence proving that religious people aren't only no better than non-believers, a lot of the time, they're worse - and sometimes they're worse precisely BECAUSE of their religious beliefs. Pennsylvania man John Thomas says that after his 70-year-old same-sex "friend" made unwanted sexual advances towards him, he prayed to GAWD to tell him what to do. And, apparently, GAWD told him to do what the Old Testament demands and stone the bugger, leading to the Doctor Seuss-like nugget of a quote reproduced above. Never mind this same 70-year-old "friend" had also just happened to leave Thomas a bunch of money in his will, and that Thomas tried to cover up the incident for over a week before finally giving himself up. Nah... it was just another case of one of those frickin' gays not knowing when to quit, maaan...

OMGLOLWTF?!?!?

September 11 Terrorist Attacks

9.11.01

+

Japan's Triple-Apocalypse

03.10.11

=

Mayan Doomsday Deadline

12.21.12

Coincidence? You be the judge. Implications? I'd rather not say.

Thanks to our old pal DimaN in Belarus for this positively paranoia-inducing catastrophic computation.

(edited to remove silly mistake pointed out by ttibby)

YER OLD PAL JERKY'S WORDS OF WISDOM #326

"Happiness is a warm c*nt."

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The evidence gathered over centuries of disasters, natural and man-made, is overwhelming. The vast majority of people, when a disaster hits, behave in the aftermath as altruists. They organise spontaneously to save their fellow human beings, to share what they have, and to show kindness."

- British war correspondent and columnist Johann Hari deconstructs the reactionary myth of the panicking disaster victim in an excellent and thought provoking editorial.

***

"The two greatest visions of a future dystopia were George Orwell’s '1984' and Aldous Huxley’s 'Brave New World'. The debate, between those who watched our descent towards corporate totalitarianism, was who was right. ... It turns out Orwell and Huxley were both right. Huxley saw the first stage of our enslavement. Orwell saw the second."

- Author Chris Hedges paints a bleak picture of the global realpolitik, indeed, in his incredibly depressing essay, 2011: A Brave New Dystopia,

ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY 100 PERCENT FILLER!

NUT BUTTER SQUASH

The Worst Poem Ever Written

by Jerky LeBoeuf, Esq.

Bacon, eggs and sausage links!

Buttered toast and coffee drinks!

Loops of Fruit and Cakes of Pan!

Breakfast fit for God and Man!

Sometimes when I’m eating 

I think that I can taste 

The egg inside the chicken

Or the chicken in the egg!

Here I sit, broken hearted,

Paid my dime and only farted.

It's okay, I'm not blue,

Frankenstein was ugly, too!

TRUE TORONTO TRANSIT ENCOUNTERS #001

Taking the streetcar in to work last week, I saw a beautiful Asian girl - tall, long auburn hair, tight grey jeans worn tastefully soft, buttery knee-high leather boots. She was gabbing on a cell phone and carrying a bag emblazoned with the motto: "Do One Thing a Day that Scares You."

So I walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. She paused her conversation and turned towards me, and I shouted "BOO!" at the top of my lungs, right in her face. She jumped back, reflexively muttering something in Mandarin - it sounded like "Heeyaah!" - and gave me a quizzical look. I pointed at the motto on her bag. She looked at it, then back at me. I gave her a double thumbs-up sign, thrusting both stubby digits towards my smiling, be-whiskered, winking face.

She stared at me for about, oh... maybe 3 seconds, then turned around and clip-clopped away just as fast as her skinny little legs could take her. I guess she didn't get the joke.

THE MYSTERY OF THE BERMUDA DEPTHS!

Way, way back - in the late 1970's - CBS aired a very strange Movie of the Week, indeed. Produced by Saturday morning TV veterans Rankin/Bass, The Bermuda Depths (1978) was a supernatural giant turtle movie starring an incredibly beautiful Connie Sellecca, budding occultist Leigh McCloskey, Carl "Apollo Creed" Weathers and Burl Ives, the Wilford Brimley of his generation.

There are a few strange things about this movie. First and foremost, a quick perusal of the message board at its IMDB page reveals that a great many people have been haunted by memories of this very eerie and bizarrely romantic flick for the better part of three decades. Some people vividly remember entire sequences from the film. Others dream about it. Still others have spent their lives trying to track it down, or even just to find out what the title is! They pester their friends and family about "the giant turtle" movie with the "green-eyed ghost girl" who swims like a mermaid. Most of the time, they would only get strange stares. The movie's cult status was probably only solidified by the fact that it never got a proper home video release. Outside of Europe, where it enjoyed moderate success at the box office and has always been available for home video, the only version readily available in North America was a chopped-to-hell Japanese VHS edit* missing many key scenes.

Yer old pal Jerky counts himself among one of the haunted, although I never forgot the movie's name. That's why he was so pleased to discover that Warner's latest DVD re-release is, indeed, the fully restored version of the long-lost classic that spawned so many nightmares and wet dreams back in the day!

Eight full minutes of scenes that were missing from the much-despised 80's release have been restored, including the full opening credits sequence - complete with the haunting theme song ("Jennie"), which plays over footage of Connie Sellecca swimming through an underwater wonderland - as well as a key scene (44:45 to 45:50 in this version) where Jennie and Magnus (McCloskey) engage in a romantic, sexy, minute-long underwater ballet in open water, through an undersea cavern and up into a secret grotto beneath Magnus's childhood home, where his father used perform bizarre experiments until being eaten alive - a dramatic revelation that gives Burl Ives the chance to over-act hilariously as he belows out the immortal line: "YES he was eaten!!!"

The transfer quality is amazing, with crisp and clear definition and rich, vibrant colors throughout. The sound quality is equally improved upon. The miniature boat effects are bathtub cheesy - and why a giant turtle should communicate via whalesong is never explained or even commented on - but these elements undoubtedly make up a large part of this movie's charm, and hardly detract from its strong points.

Yer old pal Jerky remembers the first time he saw this movie when it was playing on WVII out of Portland, Maine. I think it was the night of its network television premiere. Anyway, I remember my cousins were visiting from out of town at the time, so I couldn't pay this movie the kind of undivided attention it deserved - by which I mean I couldn't put my hands down my pants for the scenes where Connie Sellecca was swimming underwater, a sight which almost threw my juvenile underwater fetishist brain into seizures. So the next day, I dialed up information, got the number for WVII and made the long-distance call. I was promptly put through to the program director, and I asked if they would be so kind as to re-run this fine film as soon as was humanly possible. And do you know what? They did! They re-ran it just a couple months later, on a Sunday afternoon! So thank you, WVII, for facilitating a 10-year-old aquaphile's masturbation needs back in the days before there was anything like the Internets to slake my lust!

If anybody out there has any memories of The Bermuda Depths that they'd like to share, please do so in the comments section. I'd love to read about your memories about this unique, strange cult movie gem!

*Beyond the whole "giant monster" thing, I suspect the main reason why Japan exported a VHS version of this movie to the US when no other nation ever bothered might have something to do with the fact that elements of whaling feature prominently in the main plot. Carl Weathers does wield a mean harpoon, here!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Let's not beat about the bush. They have visibly lost the essential control of the situation. That is our analysis, in any case."

- French Industry Minister Eric Besson urges all French nationals to leave Japan as soon as possible due to the unfolding post-quake/tsunami nuclear disaster.

***

"Preparatory work has so far not progressed as fast as we had hoped."

- An official of plant operator Tokyo Electric Power Co (TEPCO) engages in a little bit of understatement a news briefing.

HAPPY SAINT GUINNESS DAY, EVERYBODY!

This festive little place-holding post is just to let you know that you should bookmark this blog, spread the news to your friends, and keep checking back on at least a daily basis, as yer old pal Jerky is deeply immersed in study so that what he writes for y'all will be worth reading! I even went so far as to spend actual, hard-earned money on an issue of Tea Party Magazine, and read it, so you don't have to! Oh, the things I do for you people... Anyhoo, in the meantime, I urge you all to check out and subscribe to the Daily Dirt Diaspora's very own Youtube page, because I'll be posting some very interesting things up there in the very near future! I leave you now with the following benedictions: "Erin go bra-less! May the road rise ta meetcha! May the leprechauns leave your family alone! And may your enemies choke on a big boiled sheep!"

48 HOURS TO PREVENT ANOTHER CHERNOBYL

That's what some headlines are screaming today about quake-shattered and tsunami-scoured Japan. Personally, I have a sneaking suspicion it's probably already too late to prevent a catastrophic meltdown, and The Powers That Be just haven't gotten around to telling us yet. Pray that I'm wrong, because if I'm not, this could turn out to be a global game-changer on the level of the September 11 terrorist attacks.

PIMP - A LITERARY SOUNDTRACK

So there's this book, PIMP, written by Iceberg Slim, also known as Robert Beck, also known as Robert Lee Maupin. First published in 1969, PIMP has sold over 2 million copies over the years, and it hasn't been out of print ever since. Equal parts autobiography, confessional, manifesto and training manual, PIMP provides the reader with a 3D, Technicolor expose of a much-maligned profession to which many have aspired, but few have had the brains and ruthless chill to pull off.

Iceberg spent over 20 years pimping hard on some of the fastest tracks in the nation, eventually giving up the game after his last prison stint. He seems to have turned to writing almost out of desperation, and it's a good thing he did. If he'd focused his ample talents on a different pursuit - say real estate or some other such straight con - the world would have been denied one of the most gripping, entertaining and - yes - important voices of the Black Experience in 20th Century America.

Let me be clear about this - PIMP is one hell of a book. I recommend it to any and all admirers of good writing. Iceberg's prose is sharp and clean. He is equally adept at philosophical rumination as he is at good, old fashioned story telling. His viscerally drawn, slang-drenched evocation of a bygone era when the pimp bestrode the ghetto like an ebony colossus left me laughing, cringing in horror, and shaking my head in disbelief. Occasionally, I was even deeply moved. His set pieces pick you up and sweep you away. You can't help but keep turning pages. You don't want to know what comes next, you need to know. What a voice. What a talent. What a book.

One of the most original aspects of Iceberg's style is the way he made use of music throughout PIMP to help set the tone. In this respect, it may very well be the first novel ever written to have it's own built-in soundtrack. As a fan of jazz - and now, also, as a fan of this book - yer old pal Jerky decided to go through PIMP with a fine-tooth comb and isolate all the sections that prominently feature music. So here, without further ado, in chronological order and complete with accurate pagination, is a list of every instance of musical reference in Iceberg Slim's urban masterpiece, PIMP.

***

• On page 22, a young Iceberg hums, then whistles, Springtime in the Rockies, his favorite tune, while shining shoes.
• On page 71, Iceberg and a friend have two "high yellow bitches" on their laps while watching the Nat King Cole Trio perform at a two-buck dance night at Liberty Hall. 
• On page 80, Ella Fitzgerald "was crying about her little yellow basket."
• On page 83, Ellington rippled out "Mood Indigo."
• On page 85, Lady Day was singing a sad lament. "My man don't love me. Treats me awful mean. He's the meanest man that I ever seen."
• On page 93, The Bird, Eckstine and Sarah sent a crazy medly of soul sounds from Creole Fat's Rib Heaven's loudspeakers.
• On page 95, some skinny joker with scald burns on his face was fronting a combo. He tried to ape the Bird's phrasing and tone. Mixed couples danced to "Stomping at the Savoy" on a carpet sized dance floor in the rear.
• On page 105, the combo was speed-riffing "Tea for Two". 
• On page 107, the joint got back on jump time. The combo started to riff "Mood Indigo."
• On page 108, the elevator operator for the Blue Haven Hotel is whistling "When the Saints Go Marching In."
• On page 119, in The Devil's Roost, the juke box was grinding out "Pennies from Heaven."
• On page 120, the juke box was sobbing Lady Day's beef about her mean but sweet man.
• On page 127, the juke box was moaning gut-bucket blues. Some joker was singing "going down slow; Don't send no doctor; Doctor sure can't do no good. Please write my mother; Tell her the shape I'm in; I'm going down slow." It had been Iceberg's father's favorite record. 
• On page 128, Eckstine's syruppy "Cottage for Sale" oozed from the Hog's radio.
• On page 129, Iceberg could hear the deep-throated boom of a console phonograph. The Ink Spots' lead tenor was parfaiting "Whispering Grass."
• On page 129 again, the big white phonograph in the corner was booming out a novelty tune. "When your pipes get dry then you know you're high. Everything is dandy. You truck on down to the candy store, but you don't get no peppermint candy. Then you know your body's sent. You don't care if you don't pay rent. Light a tea and let it be if you're a viper."
• On page 136, Iceberg comes home to find that his bitch has been listening to Lady Day's lament on the turntable again, wasting time. The table was warm from the playing.
• On page 140, Silas the elevator man is still whistling "When the Saints Go Marching In."
• On page 147, Melody switches on a radio and Debussy's "Claire de Lune" sweet-noted gently through the room.
• On page 165, Iceberg hears "Tuxedo Junction" pulsing behind him, in Sweet's opulant 15th floor penthouse pad.
• On page 166, a high-assed yellow broad flicked life back into the phonograph. "Gloomy Sunday", the suicide's favorite, dirged through the room.
• On page 199, Iceberg comes home to find his fake-sick whore listening to Lady Day whining about her mean man again. He breaks the record in two.
• On page 204, Iceberg listens to "Mood Indigo" once again while thinking.

***

Pretty nifty, no? But I figure reading it is one thing, while hearing is believing. So, after completing this task, I started up a YOUTUBE account for the Daily Dirt Diaspora, found the best and most relevant examples of all the music listed above, and put together a virtual chronological literary soundtrack by creating a special PIMP TRACKLIST. I even whipped together some full-color CD cover art for y'all, just in case any of you wants to download all these songs and put together your own PIMP SOUNDTRACK CD.

The artists and the music featured in this project are all absolutely top notch, and I urge you to take a moment to pop on your headphones, sit back, relax and just wallow in some of the finest, most vital popular music that the 20th century has to offer.

Thank you for your time and attention;
Yer old pal Jerky

A REMINDER AND A CONFESSION

Hey, gang! Yer old pal Jerky's pleased as punch to be posting and getting feedback on a somewhat regular basis again. I do, however, have to confess that, since the original Daily Dirt went dark a few years ago, I have pretty much turned away from the political, parapolitical and world historical spheres in order to concentrate on creative writing projects and... well... um... going through a massive depression, among other things.

A lot has happened to me since November of '06, and I'm sure the same is true of all of you. I won't go into everything that's happened to me because I don't want to whine and you've all got your own shit to deal with. However, I do want to tell you that the fact that so many of you kept in touch with me during the 4-and-a-half years that have elapsed since my final blog has meant the world to me. It's probably part of the reason why I still draw breath, to be honest. So I just wanted to say thanks. I can't name names because there are too many of you, frankly, and most of you already know who you are. Suffice it to say, if you think I mean you, I probably do.

Also, I wanted to warn y'all that it might take some time before I'm back up to my fighting weight, cerebrally speaking, regarding the most urgent issues and developments of our time. You may have been wondering why I haven't written anything about the cascading Apocalypse taking place in Japan, or the collapse of long-standing Mideast regimes, or the American economy's ongoing slide down Razorblade Mountain, or, um... the latest American Idol or some shit. Well, fact is, I don't have anything worth saying about those topics yet.

Rest assured, yer old pal Jerky has begun re-educating himself in matters of global and universal import, and will once again be producing the kind of long-form essays you cats always seemed to dig so much, back in the day. In the meantime, I will continue to post humorous bits, links and quotes, jokes, advice columns, photo funnies and all the stuff I used to think of as filler.

Thanks for your patience and understanding in these formative days. In the meantime, bookmark this space, take your iodide pills and for Godzilla's sake, don't build any nuclear power plants on active fault-lines!

Cheers!
YOPJ

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"They were carrying espionage equipment, reconnaissance equipment, multiple passports and weapons. This is no way to conduct yourself during an uprising. Gaddafi is bringing in thousands of mercenaries to kill us, most are using foreign passports. How do we know who these people are?"

- Senior members of the British government tried to pass this bizarre incident off as "a small British diplomatic team” entering Libya (illegally) to make contact with the rebel National Council. According to a senior member of the council... not quite. So, now that the captured "special forces" team has been released, we're left to ponder... what was really going on here? And what does it say about the West's true motives in Libya?

***

"As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity."

- This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student. His assignment was to translate the lyrics to the song One More Chance from the Notorious B.I.G. album Ready to Die from Ebonics to standard English. He scored an A-plus.

MINUTIA AND INCONSEQUENTIA

Okay, so before I write a proper introduction to the Diaspora Blog, I figured I'd better clear away some of the back-log of stories to which I've wanted to call your attention over the last couple years. Some of these are just videos, some are interesting articles, others are just funny wastes of time. This is just the first of what will probably turn out to be a number of house-cleaning posts, so don't worry, I won't be dumping ALL that accumulated crap on your laps at once. Anyhoo, I hope everybody finds at least one or two links per link-alanche to be worth their while. Huzzah! - YOPJ

In 1979, the CBS news magazine program 60 Minutes aired a report about the Swine Flu Scare of 1976 and the massive vaccination program that followed. This episode was allegedly banned after first airing and didn't see the light of day again until 2009 when it was released on the Internet. The implications are chilling and the parallels between what happened 20 years ago and the growing panic over Bird Flu - although currently on the back-burner - are ominous. Forewarned is forearmed.

***

If you thought the American government was doing something new when its agents started spraying pot crops with paraquat and other toxic chemicals in the 1970's... you'd be mistaken. The Powers That Be have been harshing our collective buzz for a very long time, as this article about certain toxic Prohibition tactics explains.

***

Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb. It made yer old pal Jerky LOL quite a bit, and hopefully it'll do the same for you. After all, we could all use a larf in these dark and dismal days, couldn't we, guv?

***

And speaking of larfs, finally, at long last, someone has crafted a sexually realistic R&B song... and they were kind enough to put together a hilarious video to go with it!

***

This is, quite possibly, the best condom commercial ever conceived, produced and released, ever. Hands down. No contest. Also, aside from the fact that it's funny as hell, it managed to give me the chubbs! Not quite as pleasurable as a full-blown erection, but I'll take what I can get at this point.

***

Doctors are people, too, as this video amply demonstrates. And you know what? It's fucking terrifying. After watching this, you may never shove another can of spray-on hair coloring up your asshole, again!

***

This incredibly beautiful and transcendently moving video and the staggering implications it conjures moved me to my marrow and, honestly, it just about succeeded in squeezing tears from this cynical old misanthrope's usually bone-dry eyeballs. Let's find out if watching it has a similar effect on you.