Sunday, February 28, 2016

JERKY PICKS THE WINNERS FOR TONIGHT'S OSCARS!


As some of you may already know, in my capacity as editor-in-chief and sole content provider for The Daily Dirt circa 1999-2006, yer old pal Jerky had what can only be described as an incredibly impressive track record when it came to predicting who would win at the Academy Awards, particularly in the Big Four categories (Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Director, Best Picture).

This year, unfortunately, I have neither the time nor the fire in the belly passion required to write up my traditionally hilarious full accounting of the reasoning behind my ever prescient choices. But when I woke up this afternoon, rolled over, flicked my mouse to wake up the computer monitor and was reminded that tonight was Oscar night, I decided I had to write SOMETHING. After all, I owe it to you... the fans.

And so, without further ado, here are my sure-to-be accurate, no-miss Oscar night winning picks! You can bet the kids' college fund on these locks, folks... winners all, or double your money back!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
WHO SHOULD WIN: Mark Ruffalo, for Spotlight.
WHO WILL WIN: Sylvester Stallone, for Creed.
WHY: Duh! Because #OscarSoWhite, of course.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
WHO SHOULD WIN: Who cares?
WHO WILL WIN: Son of Saul, straight outa Hungary
WHY: *cough* HOLOCAUST *cough*

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
WHO SHOULD WIN: Rachel McAdams, in Spotlight.
WHO WILL WIN: Jennifer Jason Leigh, in The Hateful Eight.
WHY: The wanton, misogynistic sadism of the Old White Men who make up the Academy, who really got off on seeing JJL getting the shit kicked out of her for three hours straight... or was it four? Kinda felt like five, to me.

VISUAL EFFECTS
WHO SHOULD WIN: Mad Max: Fury Road.
WHO WILL WIN: Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
WHY: The Hollywood Establishment needs to throw that stink burger at least a couple Oscar bones, and this seems like one of the best places for them to do so.

ANIMATED FEATURED FILM
WHO SHOULD WIN: Inside Out.
WHO WILL WIN: Anomalisa.
WHY: For proving once and for all that feature-length animated films can be just as ponderous, pointless, and dishwater dull as real movies can. Way to go, guys!

CINEMATOGRAPHY
WHO SHOULD WIN: The Revenant.
WHO WILL WIN: The Hateful Eight.
WHY: Because the Academy knows they'll never hear the end of Tarantino's whining about it if they don't at least give him this one. "70mm Roadshow Presentation" my fat white ass.

FILM EDITING
WHO SHOULD WIN: The Big Short.
WHO WILL WIN: The Big Short.
WHY: Because this film is incredibly well paced, which is a result of excellent editing, so it actually deserves to win.

DOCUMENTARY – FEATURE
WHO SHOULD WIN: The Look of Silence.
WHO WILL WIN: Amy.
WHY: Because, depressing as it may be to admit this, most people care more about an alcoholic celebrity crackhead doing herself in than they do about one of the most horrific episodes of recent history, wherein roving gangs of anti-communist street thugs swept the Suharto regime into power in Indonesia circa 1966, killing between 1 and 3 million of their fellow citizens in the process, without any of them ever having to face justice for their actions. The Look of Silence is a sequel of sorts to 2012's The Act of Killing, and both are more terrifying than any horror film ever made.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
WHO SHOULD WIN: Inside Out.
WHO WILL WIN: Straight Outta Compton.
WHY: Because, incredible as it may seem, this is the one and only nomination - in the single, solitary category - that has any relationship whatsoever to "the Blacks", as Donald Trump calls them. So they pretty much don't have a choice. They have to give Straight Outta Compton the Oscar. Which is going to be doubly hilarious when this guy takes the stage to accept his statuette...


ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
WHO SHOULD WIN: Room.
WHO WILL WIN: The Martian.
WHY: Because the journey from tech geek's self-published hobby-novel to world-beating, feel-good, box-office-domination is just the kind of Cinderella story the Academy likes to kid itself into thinking is emblematic of the Hollywood "brand".  

BEST DIRECTOR
WHO SHOULD WIN: George Miller, for Mad Max: Fury Road.
WHO WILL WIN: Tom McCarthy, for Spotlight.
WHY: Because they forgot to nominate Ridley Scott for some reason.

BEST ACTOR
WHO SHOULD WIN: Matt Damon, for The Martian.
WHO WILL WIN: Leonardo DiCaprio, for The Revenant.
WHY: Dude wants it so bad, he allowed himself to get raped by a bear. Let the baby have his bottle, already. 

BEST ACTRESS
WHO SHOULD WIN: Brie Larson, for Room.
WHO WILL WIN: Jennifer Lawrence, for Joy.
WHY: Because Cate Blanchett already has two Oscars, nobody knows how to pronounce "Saoirse", and everybody in the world wants to get with J-Law. I mean, have you seen those "Fappening" snaps?!

BEST PICTURE
WHO SHOULD WIN: Spotlight.
WHO WILL WIN: The Martian.
WHY: Because the collective IQ of the global "Anglosphere" seems to have experienced a significant and distressing drop over the past several months (see the recent Republican debates for evidence of such).

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