SPIDER LABYRINTH (1988)
Do you like your Italian horror movies full of vertiginous angles, vivid primary colors, and improbably hot Italian actresses? You say you’re a fan of gratuitous toplessness, piss-poor English dubbing, and bizarre sub-plots that lead absolutely nowhere at a breakneck pace? Do you prefer an "American" hero is a hairy-necked, oblivious dullard that is completely ineffectual at preventing people from dropping like flies all around him? Are you a fan of cheap-shot “jump” scares accompanied by orchestral stings so incongruously loud that your ears ring for weeks, afterwards? Do you dig giant, vaguely Lovecraftian spiders and vicious, hissing, seemingly indestructible vampiric Bonobo apes? Then by all means, drop whatever it is you're doing right now and watch Spider Labyrinth with me, right fucking now?